“You’ve let go of theideabut nothim. I don’t know if you ever will.”
“I will. I have,” I correct. I have no choice. He shakes his head, staring into the fire. “Zadyn, please. I want this. I want you.”
“Yes, but I don’twantyou.” He whirls to me, his face twisted in anguish. “Iloveyou.”
My jaw drops, and I stare at him blankly.
“I love you.I love. You.I always have. I’ve watched you fall in love and get your heart broken by people that couldn’t even come close to being worthy of you if they had a hundred lifetimes to get it right, and even though that hurt, I could endure it. But what I can’t endure is being a substitute for the person you really want. The person you really love.”
“Zadyn.” I shake my head, swallowing pins, tears brimming in my eyes. “You know I love you.”
“That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about, and you know it.”
“I didn’t know you felt that strongly.”
“Yes, you did, Serena. You just didn’t want to face it so you didn’t have to feel the guilt of not returning my feelings,” he says coldly.
“That is not true! I never thought you werein lovewith me. If I had known?—”
“If you had known then what? It wouldn’t have changed anything. You would have done everything the same. And come on. You never thought that my reaction to you at solstice or to you and Jace had anything to do with how I felt about you?”
“But you were with Cece. And then Ilayna.”
“I asked you to give me a reasonnotto be with Cece! I practically begged you like a fool. I would have sat like a dog at your side if you’d asked me to. I would have waited until you came around, until you—they were nothing to me. All they did was ease the pain that was always there, just bubbling beneath the surface.”
Every part of me feels cold without the heat of his body over mine.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe a part of me always knew how he felt. And I was either too afraid or too swept up in the hope that Jace and I might somehow work out to notice. I’m such an idiot.
“Zadyn,” I whisper.
I get to my knees and slowly pull my dripping shirt over my head. Sitting before him, exposed, I take his face in my hands. “Zadyn, look at me. Look. At me.”
Tears line his beautiful brown eyes as he pries my hands from his face.
“Please don’t torture me like this. Don’t offer me your body when I can’t have your heart.”
He gets up and leaves without another word.
* Cue:circle the drainby Soccer Mommy
* Cue:So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelingsby Squirrel Flower
64
ZADYN
13 DAYS
This is a bad decision.
Averybad decision.
These thoughts have to stop. Thesefantasieshave to stop.
But I’m not imagining it when she pulls back, her mouth dangerously close to mine. Her thick lashes cast shadows down her tear-streaked face, and?—
Gods damn it. She’s staring at my lips.
