He eyes me, his features softened by the candlelight, and leans in just above my lips.
“You’recruel.”?*
He leaves without another word.
I doom-scrollthrough my camera roll until the wee hours of the morning. It’s become my ritual when I feel down or depressed.
Like now.
I’ve kept my phone tucked away in the drawer of my nightstand since I moved into this room. When I freed my magic, I figured out a way to charge it with only the zap of my fingers. This little object is all I have left to connect me to my old life. I only take it out when I need a reminder of who I am, who I was before this, and where I came from.
The screen illuminates my dark room as I mindlessly sift through photos of my old life. Pictures of me and my dad. Of our camping trips to the Adirondacks. Our old house in Beacon. The day he moved me into my New York City apartment.
A wave of nostalgia tinged with guilt hits me as I study the photos. At times it almost feels like I’m cheating on my old life with this new one.
Or maybe I’m just projecting.
I study the girl in the photos. When she’s not giving the camera dirty looks, she’s mostly smiling.
Was I ever as happy as I look in these pictures? Whoever that girl is, she is a strangerto me.
You’re cruel.
Zadyn’s words echo in my mind as the pit in my stomach returns. I groan, tossing the phone onto the bed and throwing my arm over my eyes. I replay every horrible thing I said to him earlier. It was so uncalled for.
I hate myself for it.
And the worst part is that he’s right. About all of it.
I’m playing with more than just my own heart. I’m screwing with Sorscha’s future, her happiness, withJace’sfuture...with a kingdom that needs a strong ruler one day.
Jace would be that ruler. And he would be so good at it.
The more he and I entertain this delusion—this flirtation—the harder the fall back to reality hurts. I said we stopped it. But it isn’t over.
Not in my head. Not in my heart.
I have to swear him off. I have to promise myself this will go no further than it already has—a stolen, drug-hazed kiss in the night, a handful of longing looks, and lingering touches.
It will go no further. Itcango no further.
It ends now.
* Cue:Bite The Handby boygenius
28
Iknock on Zadyn’s door first thing in the morning, still feeling guilty as a grade-A asshole. But he’s already gone for the day. Either the king’s emissary is a brutally demanding job, or he’s avoiding me. Probably both.
I keep quiet during training, trying to make as little eye contact with Jace as possible and limit the banter to a bare minimum. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to be in the mood for flirtation after our conversation in the stable.
I push open the door to the towering library, expecting to find Zadyn, but instead, my eyes land on Madame Gnorr. She thumbs through a heavy tome as I silently slip inside.
“Serena Avery.”
A sweet smile blooms on her face as she lifts her head to me.
“Madame Gnorr,” I greet her. “This is a surprise.”
