Donny: If someone doesn’t fucking translate what the hell is going on, I’m going to break some legs.
I lift my phone and take a picture of my head on Jenny’s lap.
Donny: Ohhhh. Joey’s got himself a cozy girl.
Me: Cozy girl?
Donny: Likes to read, would rather be with animals than people, owns every blanket on Target’s shelves.
Lance: Ohhh lucky. Cozy girls are the best. I’m about to marry one.
Donny: No, this is terrible news.
Donny: Joey will never feel this level of comfort again. He’s known the joy of fuzzy blankets, throw pillows, and sippy cups. He will have everything he needs within arm’s reach of the couch. She’ll never watch a show without you. And once you fuck things up, you’ll never feel the safety, snuggly joy again.
Me: Who says I’m going to fuck it up?
Thiago: Life experience.
Lance: Anyone with half a brain cell.
Uri: In the week you’ve known her, you’ve insulted her multiple times, told your whole family you fucked her, and thrown her into a mob war.
Uri: Who wants to take bets on how fast this thing implodes?
Dmitri: I’m a romantic, so three months…Tops.
Me: Fuck every single one of you.
Lance: Naw! He’s going to marry her and die in her arms to be petty.
Donny: Best fucking advice: You’ve got a cozy girl and a dog… LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN.
Donny: Mostly so she can teach me how to use a 3D printer.
Dimitri: What’s she doing right now?
Valid question. Her eyes are darting back and forth as she stares down at her screen. “Whatcha reading?”
“A girl is getting railed by two demons while the seven deadly sins watch,” she says.
“Oh.” I’m not sure what to do with this information.
“You can tell them.” Her eyes are still focused on the screen. “I’m not ashamed. If you are, then that’s your issue.”
Valid point. Okay. Fine.
Me: Reading demon smut.
Donny: DIBS!!! ME!!! I CALL DIBS!!! When Joey fucks this up, and we all know he will, I want first shot at her.
Lance:..
Dimitri:...
Thiago: ::awkwardly looks around chat::
Uri: Why are you calling dibs? You’re the only one who’s single.
