Tears flow down her face. It wrecks me seeing her like this and knowing I’m the cause even though I have zero recollection of doing what I did. I situate myself behind her, pull her against me, and wrap her in my arms, all the while thanking God she’s letting me. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Ava.”
“It was true.” Her head falls back onto my shoulder. “All of it. All I could talk about was having a baby. Iwasobsessed. I was watching all my friends have kids and I was crazy jealous of them. I wanted what they had. I know you must have dreaded coming home on leave every time because it was all about sex. And not in a good way. We weren’t being passionate with each other. It was a box I had to check every time you were here.”
I kiss the side of her head. “I’m sure it’s like that with most couples battling infertility. It doesn’t excuse what I did, or what I was going to do. Babe, we can’t be sure if I ever intended to give you the letter. There wasn’t even a proper address on it. What if I was just venting? I was obviously feeling inadequate because I wasn’t the man you needed me to be. I couldn’t give you a child. What if, like how you wrote in your diary, I just needed to get those feelings out and move on from them?”
“I guess we’ll never know.” She sniffs sadly. “God, Trevor… am I a horrible person for not wanting your memories to come back now? Because what if?—”
“Stop it. That’s not going to happen. I’d still want you, Ava.” I touch her stomach. “I’d want this.”
She scoffs. “Yeah, but only because we succeeded.”
“I’mnothim,” I say gently but with conviction. “I mean, I am, but I’m not. Not anymore.” I snort out a laugh. “You know what? I’m sort of relieved to find out the guy I was isn’t as perfect as I’d believed him to be.”
“Do you want the whole truth?” she says with a serious edge to her voice. “After the IVF failed, I contemplated going to asperm bank, finding a guy who matched your description, and passing off any resulting baby as yours. That’s how obsessed I was. So you’re definitely not to blame. I missed us, Trevor. The us we were before the infertility. Yes, I wanted a baby, but even more, I wanted us back. And I was willing to do anything to get it.”
“Well, we have us back now, don’t we?” I give her arm a squeeze. “I guess we both wanted the same things then, we just went about it the wrong way. I’m not going to judge you for thoughts you never acted on, Ava.”
“And I’m not going to hold you responsible for writing a letter you don’t even remember.” She turns around in my arms and looks me in the eyes. “And we’renotthe us we were before. We’re better, Trev. Even before we tried for a family, things had started to become routine. We’d just been together for so long I guess. But now… now everything is exciting and new. Every experience with me is new for you. And because of that, it’s like I’m also experiencing things for the first time.”
I cup her face and guide it closer to mine. “I’m just glad you don’t hate me. Because you have every right to.”
“I don’t hate you. I love you, Trevor. I loved you before, but this person you are now… I think I might even love him more. Or maybe I just love the combination of you both.”
I go to speak, but her fingers jam against my lips. “Stop. Don’t say it just because I did. When you say it, I want to know you mean it. When you say it, I want to be able to feel your words as well as hear them. I want to feel them so hard, there won’t be a shred of doubt to the truth of them. So wait, my love. Wait until you saying them will have your heart expanding and your world transforming.”
“How are you so fucking amazing?” I say, right before my lips meet hers.
She straddles me, our bodies pinned against the tree as I taste our shared breath. My tongue presses between her silken parted lips and our kiss deepens as all of the emotions from the past few minutes explode between us.
My fingers cascade through her hair, my hands running down across her shoulders and then underneath the light sweater covering her sundress. I feel the outline of her breasts. The roundness of her belly. “I want you so fucking bad.”
She doesn’t hesitate. She doesn’t look around and decide it’s something we can’t do here because it’s midday. She doesn’t deny her need for me.
Because she wants me too.
Here.
Now.
She reaches for my belt, her eyes never straying from mine as panted breaths escape her. I grip her hips, lifting her off me so she can lower my pants just enough to free my burgeoning erection. I’ve never been happier that she’s wearing a dress. It will make this a whole lot easier.
There’s a savage glint in her eyes when she wraps my dick in her hand. She likes this. It’s risky. Adventurous. Dangerous. Sure, we’ve made love here before, but never in full daylight.
My groans of raw appreciation surround us as she works her hand on my cock, the feel of it electrifying me. I reciprocate by lifting her dress, my hands worming up to knead her full breasts. When my fingers tweak her stiff nipples, her head falls back, exposing the soft, taut skin of her neck which my tongue takes full advantage of.
A throaty mewl escapes her, and I have to use every ounce of willpower to keep myself from coming.
“Not so fast.” I push her hand away and crush her with my stare. “Show me what you want me to do.”
A blush bites her cheeks. But she doesn’t let embarrassment stop her. She takes my hand and shoves it inside her panties. With her still straddling me, I push two fingers inside her, gliding them in and out easily as she moves her body up and down.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get enough of her. I hope I never will. Because this feeling I have right now—of wanting her more than my every memory—I want to feel this way about her every moment of every day.
Emotions overcome me and I declare, “Nobody else is ever going to touch you like this.”
“No,” she says, eyes closed as she rides my fingers.
“Say it, Ava.”
