I notice that his eyes keep going to my lips, as if by me doing it, I'm normalizing the motions. It's sort of cute but also kind of sexy. I've only ever had crushes on boys and men. I've never had a relationship. No man has ever been courageous enough to date a deaf girl in my circle. Even during college. But I'm not looking. Never really have. It's okay to fantasize and picture myself with a handsome man, though. I know that in my heart of hearts that that's all I'll ever have. Mama once said that even if I wasn't deaf, most men would be intimidated by what I do for a living and what I make. My earnings are nothing to sniffle over, and I've invested most of my money, so I stand to live very comfortably if I keep it going.
As I rise, he follows me, and I give him a short tutorial on how to set the camera equipment up properly, to get the bestshot of the water. I take a few test shots of the moon, the water, the surrounding area, and I even take a few of Levi himself. We take a couple of pictures together, too. I have to be careful not to let him catch me looking at them while he's still here, but I've got some great footage of him for later, should I want to tuck these little goodies away. Nothing says sexy more than a cowboy in a Stetson and a great pair of jeans. He wears them well, too. He stands behind me, glancing at the lens, as I show him how to position the viewfinder to grab the best frame, and I take it. The water shimmers under the moonlight, and I couldn't have picked a more romantic evening and spot to do this. It's just too bad that I'm doing this with a man that I can't have. "Is your girlfriend going to have a problem when she finds out that you've been with me tonight?"
"I won't tell her. She doesn't need to know."
"Are you sure that's the right thing to do? I mean, she is carrying your baby, Levi."
"You and I, we're just friends, Lennie. And I don't want to upset her if I don't need to. Besides, she sort of gave me the cold shoulder today, so I think that maybe she's mad at me."
"Shouldn't you be over there talking it out with her then?"
"There's nothing to talk about. She had no business looking at the receipt from the picture to begin with. She should have just given it back to me when it fell on the floor. I explained to her that I bought it for the ranch and that's that."
"No offense, but why do you think that she's mad at you for that? Isn't it up to you what you spend your money on? You said so yourself that you haven't been together long. Is it because of the baby?"
"I suppose." He frowns. "But we're not even at whether or not we're even keeping the baby yet, so I'm not even sure. It could be just the hormones, too."
"Did you say who you bought it from? Maybe she's jealous because I'm a woman."
"No, she doesn't know. And she's not from around here, so she wouldn't even know that the studio is yours."
Maybe buying that picture when he's got a baby coming wasn't the smartest thing, but he made that choice. "Levi, if you want me to refund the picture, if you think that it's going to be a problem, just say the word."
He lifts a hand. "No, now I bought that fair and square. I'll deal with Shelly."
I change the subject slightly. "Can I ask you something?" My legs crisscross in front of me as I take a second glance at the photos through the viewfinder.
"Sure."
"Have you given any thought as to whether or not you want to keep the baby?"
He takes a moment to think about it, as I keep my eyes on him, having turned off the camera. "I'm not sure. I know that I'm not ready to become a father, especially with the fucked up version of a father I have."
"Do you have any role models? Men you look up to?"
"Buddy's one of them. Also, Billy, and all his brothers, plus my own. Yeah, I suppose that I do."
"Maybe if you were in love with Shelly, that would make a difference?"
He looks at me. His eyes are like dinner plates. "Maybe. I mean, hell, Billy's brother Cassidy and his girl Crystal are having an unplanned baby together, and they're as pleased as punch about it. In the beginning not so much, since she was puking her guts up and just about as bitchy as a rodeo bull, but now that she's over that spell, things are all different."
"But they love each other, right?"
"Oh, there's no two ways about it. They're crazy for each other."
"And were they in love before they found out they were having a baby?"
"One hundred percent, yes."
I don't know what more I can say to him. But I do know that him being with me might be a problem. "Well, Levi, I hate to say it, because I'm having such a good time with you tonight, but y'all should be with Shelly. I understand that you think she's angry at you about the picture, but I think that you being out here with me tonight is only going to make matters worse."
"What, I'm not allowed to have a friend?"
"In my eyes, you are. But I'm not your girlfriend."
His gaze stays on me for a moment. Like he's stopping himself from saying what's on his mind. I don't press.
"It's no different if I was hanging out with Crystal or Jade or Piper."
