“Can I come? Do you think your mama would mind?”
“My mama asked why you didn’t come over last night, in fact. She won’t mind.”
Her smile is so bright it’s contagious. “I’ll send Felicia a text.”
“Sounds good.”
Mama’s ready in the kitchen with another delicious after school snack. I’m the last kid to go to school, so mama’s living it up. After me, unless one of my brothers decides to leave the ranch and do some second career kind of deal or something, this is it for college kids. We eat quickly and head outside to the horses. Ava’s got a mile wide smile as she mounts Lollipop with zero effort. For a small girl, she’s not afraid of horses, in fact, if I didn’t know her better, I’d say that she’s in love with the beasts. I decide to take it a step further and get Lollipop chasing Chocolate in the brush, and I watch Ava’s face.
God, I love her. I never stopped loving her. In fact, now that we’ve had more time together, and I know the truth, I think I love her more. If that’s possible. I’ve never loved a girl before, and it feels great. When I saw her with baby Tucker, my heart leapt in my chest. I'd often wondered about a girl so adamant on becoming a psychologist, if she would have any interest in having a family, especially since she was never exposed to one until she met mine. But it’s clear as day that she wants a family, and, not that that question mark ever swayed me from wanting to be with her, but it just cements my feelings for her further.
But are we ready to go down that road again? And is she even thinking the same things as I am, or is she just enjoying our friendship? I mean, I’ll take her in whatever form I can get her in, and I certainly don’t want to ruin what we have now, but I'd sure like to know what page she’s on. I'm just terrified to ask. I don’t want her to shy away from me. There is nothing that I’d ever do to hurt her or hurt what we have. And does she even want a relationship? Let alone with me? Sure, it’s clear that she wants kids, but that could be ten or fifteen years from now, hell, it could be that far for me, too, regardless of who I end up with. Shit, I'm only eighteen for crissake.
But I know that kids and family is an important topic when you’re with the person you love and want to potentially share your life with. So, once we’ve ridden for a while, and we stop in the woods to take a break and let the horses rehydrate in the stream, I ask her. “That baby make you think about your future any differently?”
She’s sitting in the chair next to me, twirling a strand of hair between her thumb and forefinger, which is a gesture that I’ve learned means that she’s thinking about something. “He’s such a beautiful baby. I can’t believe babies are that special. When I see them on television, I figured it was just fancy camera work or something, but no, Tucker’s as precious as any Hollywood cherub.”
“Did your uterus skip a beat?” I ask, testing the waters carefully, but with an heir of humor.
She gasps and her mouth opens. “That’s what they say, right? When you suddenly want to have one? Oh, yes. Yes, my uterus skipped more than a beat.” She bites her lip, staring at the stream. “I have to be honest. Yes, it made me think.”
“I had a feeling.”
“I mean, I still want to go to school and all, and I want to do something to help people, but now I’m not so sure about being in school until I’m thirty, you know?”
“I get it. Hell, I more than get it. I’ve got a bit of baby fever myself, frankly. As much as my brothers won’t admit to it, we all do. Being raised in a large family, it kind of comes with the territory.”
“I bet Zack is over the moon.”
“He nearly lost his shit when he found out Kate was expecting. He couldn’t wait for that kid to come out. And he loves Myra to death, too. He couldn’t be happier.”
“I can relate.”
My speech is tentative, careful. “Do you think maybe y’all want to do something different now?”
“I’ve been thinking about it.” She says, looking at her fingers. “I was thinking about doing occupational therapy or something like that. That way I can still use my scholarship, I can still be in the field, but I don’t have to be in school until I’m thirty.”
“Nothing wrong with that. It’s a blessing that you figured it out before y’all got too far in, you know. Some people go through years of schooling and it’s a waste.”
“I just...I don’t know how Felicia’s going to feel about that.”
“I’m sure she just wants you to be happy, doll. Anyone that cares about you would want the same.”
“True. But I’ve talked up a blue streak about being a psychologist. I guess that’s what I've kept telling myself I've wanted for so long, but now that I’m...I don’t know...changing? Growing up? Becoming an adult and seeing what’s out there, I'm not so sure about anything anymore. It’s like the more I learn the less I know, if that makes sense.”
“It makes perfect sense. I think that your folks sheltered you and now that you’re gaining independence, you can see more of what life has to offer.” I rake a hand through my hair. “Hell, you may even change your mind again, down the road. We’re both really young, mind. That’s what my mama always says.”
“Your mama is the best. I really like her.”
I scoff, smiling. “You’ve mentioned that.”
“I’m sorry.”
I touch her hand. “It’s okay. I like her, too, you know.”
We both chuckle at each other. I figure now’s as good a time as any. “I’m really...enjoying this...you know...us.”
“Yeah, me too.” She says, smiling warmly at me. “I’ve never had such a great friend before.”
