Lucas stiffened his spine and forced himself to meet Ajax’s stare. The move nearly took him out. Ajax genuinely looked as devastated as Lucas. It seemed he was a damn good actor. He should be on the big screen. “I know it’s an act, so you can stop now. None of you need to worry I’ll snitch or anything. All I canask is for you to keep looking out for Mom. You won’t see me again.”
Before Lucas saw it coming, his back was against the wall with Ajax flush against him. Ajax held Lucas’ hand against his chest. “I know you feel the way this heart only beats for you. For the first time in my life, I have something beautiful that matters way more to me than my sworn duty to the crown. Say the word. We’ll disappear together. Just please don’t take my heart and leave me behind. There’s no fucking way you can look at me and not know how I feel. There was no goddamn act. In fact, Noir spent a couple of months angry with me for not doing whatever it took to convince you to stay. Everything between us is real.”
Lucas didn’t know if he trusted Ajax’s word. He didn’t know if he could ever trust anything about him again. “You pretended to be my friend.” There was no stopping the way his voice cracked. The realization his best friend had betrayed him was worse than losing a lover. In his heart, they had run so much deeper than sharing a bed.
“No.” Ajax’s eyes said he spoke the truth. But his eyes had also shown his love, and that wasn’t real. Nothing felt real. Ajax didn’t give up. “Tell me how to prove my love. Come home with me. Let me fix this. If you want, we can go straight to Noir and he can tell you everything. I spent quite some time screaming at him this morning for daring to claim I was faking my love. In the end, Noir laughed and said he had only been goading me for not doing right by you. He felt I dishonored you by not making this permanent.” Ajax’s eyes turned more desperate-looking by the moment. “He’s right. I should’ve tied you to me already. The only reason I haven’t asked you to spend the rest of your lifewith me is because I hadn’t spoken to Noir about it. I’m not an American. I’m not free. My life belongs to the crown. I owe the queen and king everything. They plucked me from an abusive family to train me to be a warrior. I had the opportunity to build myself into the highest position a guard can hope to achieve. They’re owed my life for that, but you own my soul. If you’ll keep me, I’ll follow you anywhere. Just please don’t take away the only love and friendship I have. No one sees me the way you do. You’re the only place I’m free.”
Lucas had never been more confused. Maybe if he had stayed to hear Ajax’s reaction to Noir’s words, then he would know what to do. Ajax looked as if he believed every word coming out of his mouth. Lucas felt more torn than he ever had in his life. It would be so easy to simply reach for the man his heart ached to hold. But Lucas didn’t know what was real any longer. Maybe he just wanted to believe and take the easy route.
Ajax dipped his chin. His voice came out in a cajoling whisper. “I love you. Please don’t leave me.” He kissed the corner of Lucas’ mouth. Lucas’ walls fell a little more. “Please, Lucas. I need you to see me.” He kissed the other corner of Lucas’ mouth. “You’re everything to me. I can’t lose you.” He pressed a sweet kiss against Lucas’ lips. This time, he didn’t move away. He held still, obviously waiting for Lucas to make the next move.
Lucas’ mind raced. He went over every minute of the day. Ajax had been outraged at the idea of Lucas making that drop. He had screamed at Noir in a way Lucas doubted Noir had ever seen before. Ajax could have lost his life over that. Why would he do that if this was fake?
In the end, it didn’t matter. No force on the planet could have stopped Lucas’ lips from parting. His entire being—heart, body, and soul—loved Ajax. Lucas didn’t know how to stop.
Ajax shook to his core. He fully expected Lucas to come to his senses and knee him in the groin at any second. Instead, Lucas held the two halves of Ajax’s jacket in tight fists, as if scared Ajax would disappear. Tears stung the backs of Ajax’s eyes as Lucas’ tongue lightly stroked his. From the moment he learned Lucas had heard what Noir said, he had died a little more with each passing second. He had always thought he was infallible, unshakeable. Over the last seven months, Lucas had broken something down inside Ajax. Ajax belonged to Lucas. Wherever he went, Ajax would follow.
Ajax couldn’t stop pushing. “Tell me you love me.” Each word brushed Lucas’ lips. He couldn’t pull away enough to speak. Any distance felt like too much for his heart.
Lucas sniffled, making Ajax realize Lucas silently cried. He had thought it was his tears that fell. Ajax forced himself to pull away enough to confirm his thoughts. Lucas never cried. He had been through hell, died, and came back again, completely changed. Not once through the pain, fear, and anger had Lucas shed a single tear. But he cried for Ajax, and Ajax wasn’t sure if he was worthy. Noir had told him to do whatever it took to keep Lucas with them. He had used that command to his advantage to stealLucas’ heart. But Lucas had already stolen him a long time ago, so he saw it as fair, but maybe it wasn’t. Ajax didn’t know.
Lucas swiped Ajax’s cheeks. “Don’t cry. What will your minions think?”
A watery laugh burst from Ajax. It seemed he cried after all. He had never been this terrified. Even when he had done CPR to keep Lucas’ heart going, he hadn’t felt this destroyed. At least the CPR had given him a slight feeling of control—like his hands could bring Lucas back to him. This was different. There was nothing Ajax could do to convince Lucas to keep him. Lucas had to choose all on his own. Ajax had a bad feeling he had nothing to offer.
Still, he clung to whatever he could. “Minions?” He chuckled. “Don’t let them hear that. They’re honorable soldiers for the crown.”
Lucas’ slight smile faded away. His voice came out barely audible, as if he couldn’t get his throat to work. “I don’t know what to think. My heart is screaming for me to believe you. I don’t know if it can be trusted. You’re the first person I’ve ever loved this much.”
Ajax didn’t think. He just acted. “Marry me. Let me spend the rest of my life proving we’re as real as love gets.”
Lucas sniffed.
Ajax practically felt Lucas’ walls falling. “Come on. You know you want to. This is your chance to spend the rest of your life cursing me and making sure I never forget today.”
“You know that’s not who I am. I have better ways to torture you than berating you for the rest of our lives.” The heat that lit in Lucas’ eyes had Ajax ready to hit the ground in relief. He would stand here and beg for however long it took to wear Lucas down, but any thought that Lucas wouldn’t touch him again was too much. Ajax had never needed anything like he needed their life together.
It was Ajax’s turn to fight for his voice. “I’ve never had anything even close to normal before you. Our version of me coming home to you is my oxygen. You’ll never regret me.”
“We’ll see. You haven’t married me yet. Maybe you’ll be the one full of regrets.”
“Never.” Ajax claimed Lucas’ mouth with all the hunger in his soul. As long as they were together, Ajax’s life was as flawless as any existence could be. He would make sure Lucas remembered that every day. Ajax wouldn’t fail again.
Chapter Eleven
AllLucascoulddowas stare at Ajax as Ajax drove them home in Lucas’ car. His stomach still felt shaky, but Ajax had cried. Lucas expected Hell to freeze over as they went on with life. All Lucas wanted was to be back in their space, inside Noir’s home, where they could be alone and just work on them. Maybe some things had been left unsaid. Lucas didn’t know. All he knew was they had to stick together while they figured things out. The card Kash had given him still burned a hole in Lucas’ pocket. That new life was still an option. Lucas wasn’t as helpless now. He wasn’t trapped in this life with no way out. Maybe that mattered more than Lucas had wanted to admit.
“Why that alley?”
Lucas was so lost in enjoying the sight of Ajax. The question startled him. “What?”
Ajax still didn’t look his way. “That alley. Why is that where you went?”
As much as Lucas hated to lie, in this case, he had no other choice. “Maybe I just needed to come to terms with some things.”
He watched Ajax’s shoulders relax. “When I saw your location, I was scared as hell I would find you dead. I brought a team, thinking I couldn’t find you like that again. If I did—” Ajax shook his head. He didn’t finish his thoughts.
The confession didn’t surprise Lucas as much as it should have. Lucas had changed when his life did. He didn’t feel as mentally strong any longer. Lucas had lost part of himself in that alley. Even though he hadn’t gone there for the reason he gave, Lucas couldn’t say he wasn’t sort of searching for answers. He hadn’t found them. Lucas discovered something else. He wasn’t alone any longer. His life was nothing like it had been before that night. Just like he had then, Ajax had come for him. Lucas understood now Ajax always would. They had each other.
