“Thanks.” Lucas sounded more bitter than appreciative. He couldn’t help it. Lucas was still a little bitter. Ajax made things worthwhile, but still. Months of his life had been stolen.
Jamison helped him to the car. “How’s your mom?”
“Living her best life at Noir’s,” Lucas answered honestly. Again, he sounded bitter. He was glad she was happy, but sad he couldn’t give her what she needed.
Jamison nodded. He didn’t look Lucas’s way. “I’d heard you two were living there now.”
It took everything Lucas possessed not to stop dead and demand where he had heard that. “Yeah. I guess it might be permanent. Mom has a much better quality of life now.”
Jamison opened his car door for him. He looked as if he fought not to say something. Apparently, he lost the battle. “Are you sure you two are safe? What will Noir expect in return for this kindness he doesn’t possess? It’ll probably be a lot more than you can afford to lose.”
Oh, Lucas knew. He had thought about that more times than he could count. Lucas climbed into the car and met Jamison’s stare. He felt like Jamison had always deserved a huge apology from him. Thanks to dating Lucas, Jamison had been pulled way too deeply into Noir’s realm. No one deserved that. “I know you’ll never believe it, but I’m genuinely sorry you got dragged into things. No doubt you also won’t believe that I didn’t have any more of a choice than you did. I’m glad you got out and found a happy life with a great guy. But there’s never been any chance I’ll be free.” Most of the time, Lucas wasn’t sure he wanted to be. He was tired. Lucas might be young, but he had been responsible for things someone his age should never have to be responsible for, and he was exhausted. So, no matter what Noir wanted in return, Lucas would do it. But Jamison didn’t know everything. He hadn’t been as enmeshed as Lucas, so he kept trying to easeJamison’s worries. “I know Noir does terrible shit, but he keeps the town fentanyl free, and he pours a lot of money into local charities. He’s not totally heartless. At home, he’s just some guy really in love with his husband.”
Jamison’s face grew harder with every word and didn’t soften. “That ‘just some guy’ would slit your throat and not look back.”
Lucas shrugged. “I knew that going in and I still did this to myself. There’s no going back.”
Jamison’s shoulders fell. “Just watch out for yourself. If you ever decide you’re done, call me. We’ll figure something out.”
Lucas flashed a smile he didn’t feel. “I will.” He absolutely wouldn’t. Jamison had a good life now. Lucas wouldn’t steal it.
With a sharp nod, Jamison closed his door and headed back toward his waiting husband. A wave of sadness washed over Lucas. When he had been with Jamison, he had secretly believed they would have a great life together. Lucas had dreamed of normalcy and a steady existence. Unfortunately, Lucas was broken. There was something missing from him, a moral compass or genuine sympathy. He didn’t know, but he never felt bad for being bad. Lucas was oddly good at running drugs and collecting money. He had a cold side he had never wanted Jamison to see. That had never been an option.
Lucas put the car in reverse and headed home. Home. That felt so odd. At least Lucas knew a good man waited there for him. Ajax knew all Lucas’ sides and wanted him exactly as hewas. They shared a common wickedness. It was a trait that was absolute fire in bed. While it hurt to think of Jamison and all they could have been, he was happier in this relationship with Ajax than he had ever been. His days and nights with Ajax were like some sort of miracle, eclipsing everything else in his life. Lucas understood where he had been wrong in the past. His life with Ajax was built on friendship. It was a lot like a sleepover with his best friend every night. Lucas hadn’t really had that kind of childhood. He had been a huge loner, always finding trouble. Ajax was the kind of trouble Lucas could get into for the rest of his life.
By the time Lucas parked in his spot in the garage, he had regained a bit of energy. Plus, all his thoughts about Ajax had him ready to hunt the guy down. As he pushed his way inside, Lucas carefully toed off his shoes inside the mudroom before stepping into the kitchen.
“Surprise!”
Lucas's heart leaped into his throat. He stood like a statue, blinking at the crowd that filled the room. His mom and Ajax wore matching shit-eating grins. Since Lucas had never done more than share a nice meal with cake afterward with his mom, he hadn’t expected anyone else would notice it was his birthday.
“Um. Wow. I don’t know what to say.”
His mom pushed her walker his way and put a crown on his head. “You don’t have to say anything. It’s your day. Everyone wants to share it with you.”
Lucas was a hell of a lot more moved than he knew how to express. His gaze found Ajax. The truth hit like a truck. He really was in love. They were the real deal. Nothing else mattered anymore.
Lucas looked like they had shocked all the sense from him. He smiled and thanked everyone as they wished him a happy birthday. Their gazes kept meeting before Lucas was torn away again. Lucas' shell-shocked expression never lessened even as he ate cake and opened presents. Ajax kept a slight distance and let everyone else bombard Lucas. He needed Lucas to see that Ajax wasn’t the only one who wanted him here.
Even though Lucas had lived with them for several months, Ajax still saw the sadness in him. He watched Lucas visibly feel separate from everyone else—like he wasn’t one of them. More than that, Lucas tried to pretend he didn’t feel as if he had lost his only parent to a new family. Lucas just genuinely didn’t think anyone cared about him. It had taken Ajax way too long to see that truth. Lucas’ humor was a mask, shielding his heart from rejection. Ajax wanted so badly for Lucas to understand this was his place to fall. They were his family.
Way too much time for Ajax’s sanity passed before Lucas refused to let Ajax continue steering clear. Lucas’ heated expression as he moved Ajax’s way had Ajax’s feet frozen to the floor. Ajaxwould give him anything as long as he continued looking at Ajax like he loved him. Fuck, Ajax wanted that.
“You did this, huh?”
Ajax couldn’t stop smiling. “Your mom helped.”
Lucas shook his head, looking blown away. “I didn’t realize you even remembered it was my birthday.”
Ajax scoffed before he could stop it from happening. “I have never missed even one of your birthdays.” And Lucas had never missed his. Honestly, until that moment, Ajax hadn’t noticed exactly how blind they were.
“We’re idiots.”
A bark of laughter escaped Ajax at Lucas, saying Ajax’s thoughts aloud. They were so ridiculously alike. Ajax nodded. “We really are. I know you didn’t have a gift from me in that pile. I’d rather give it to you when we’re alone.”
Laughter flashed in Lucas’ eyes. “Yeah, I’ll bet.”
An exasperated huff burst from Ajax. “I’ll have you know it’s a real gift, but I can tie a ribbon around myself if you’d like.”
