That thought doubles down on my shame because I’m undoubtedly the party coming out on top in this arrangement—being a bridge for me means she has no choice but to endure the nightmares. So, every morning, I vow to myself that I’ll make sure to earn the right to stand beside her brilliance.
Maybe I’m not making any fucking sense. Moats. Fences. Toes stretching. And I added the goddamn drawbridge. Plus, I’ve told her I’ll drown her in darkness. Who the hell knows what I’m talking about at this point? So many metaphors to try to explain the disarray that is the permanent state of my mind.
All to say, I feel both guilty and obsessed in every moment with her.
She’s … everything.
And all I want is to be hers. To crawl inside her—that’s the obsessive part. And something I do often since she obliges me, allowing me to sleep with my cock warmed in her perfect cunt every night. She enjoys it because my wife is filthy in the best goddamn way. But that’s a whole other destination that we’ll come back to.
In the meantime, if I revisit that fence analogy to expand on what I was originally depicting, it’s no longer built on warped morality. I’d say it’s composed of the rage that both my guilt and obsession fuel. Everything keeping me grounded teeters on the wrath I harbor at the mere thought of someone bringing harm to her.
I’m not sure if that’s a product of my untethered thoughts or simply an outcome of being so fucking in love with her that I can’t see straight.
Peeling another note off the bedroom door, I slide it in with the others—a drawer littered with my treasures. The first several she wrote are tucked in my wallet, but I ran out of room. I scan over the couple on top with a grin, a flutter vibrating through my chest from both her perspective and her levity.
You took your tragedy and turned it into triumph, becoming a hero to frightened and abused women. That surpasses the definition of a good man.
XO,
The wife you took roughly on a city balcony
It wasn’t your fault.
XO,
LM (Sometimes, Ifeel like a rock star when I sign these. Little Moon is a kick-ass stage name, even though somebody got all alpha-angry with me for using it.)
Your sisters and your mom are a part of you. So, instead of punishing yourself for them, live for them.
XO,
Just a girl who loves her brothers and would want them to live loud and boisterous for her
These little bits of her wisdom—sentiments that are challenging for me to internalize, but also beliefs I’ve been desperate for—bring everything bubbling to the surface. But thankfully, this afternoon’s note is ofa feistier nature. As I set the latest one on top of the others, a chuckle spills out of me—a taste of the reprieve she offers.
Sometimes, after wallowing, you need to do something crazy or fuck somebody up. I totally support that.
XO,
The one who will bail you out
After tucking it safely away, I saunter out to the kitchen, where my favorite scene is underway.
It’s been three weeks since the wedding. Three weeks spent growing closer, learning one another, training and preparing for the impending loyalty test—although I’m hopeful we’ve circumvented the bulk of it.
Rena is a force. Since we don’t know what we’re up against yet, we’ve focused primarily on shooting, stamina, conditioning, and fighting techniques. And she aces them all. She claims her skills are all derived from her circus-like upbringing. That method should not be discounted. She’s impressive, to say the least.
Her brothers stayed with us for a couple of days, but they had to return home to run the resort. It was for the best. Rena was on edge while they were here. Tense during everyconversation, even when we were all getting along fine. Hopefully, that will lessen in the future.
It’s possible it was simply her coping with all the bombs that had been dropped on her. We haven’t talked much about it. She shared what Axel had told her and insisted that she didn’t want to dwell on it. We have so much headed our way that I’m not going to push her now. Once things simmer down, I’ll encourage her to face the complex emotions that must be gutting her regarding Balzano and her mother’s death.
We assured her brothers that she’d be back to take an active role at La Lune Noire after we honeymooned here. I’m not sure that’s an accurate depiction of what this time represents. But there’s nothing else we can tell them.
The modicum of acceptance they offered is in part because they had no choice. Axel is aware of KORT simply because La Lune Noire provides the shadows for all sorts of corruption.
And when Ivy was roofied the night of her and Wells’s wedding, Wells asked him to keep his ears open for anything regarding KORT. Based on small comments made over the past year and a half, I’m guessing it all started coming together for Axel and Ryker after that. To my knowledge, they’ve never poked around because they understand the implications of knowing too much, but the awareness is there.
Regardless of the reason, the homicidal edge toward our union waned.
