The king was dumbfounded by this remarkable statement and stood in silent shock for several minutes.
“If that is true, then prove it,” he commanded, once he had regained his wits.
“Hm. We could spy upon them whilst they are naked, perhaps.”
“That idea makes me curiously excited, but no. It seems rude. What else have you got?”
The lion considered. “We shall scatter some dried peas around the room and summon the hunters to your presence. Men step firmly when they walk and would smash the peas beneath their boots. Women hop and skip and spring about and would roll the peas across the floor.”
“Really?” The king was dubious.
“Oh, yes. It’s a well-known fact. I have theorized it’s an evolutionary adaptation designed to keep floors free of vermin. The men stamp any insects flat into the floor, and then the women sweep them aside to the corners. It’s explained in more detail in my book,A Natural History of Humans.”
“Hmph,” muttered the king. “We’ll see.”
Despite his skepticism, the king took the lion’s advice and arranged for the plan to be enacted. But a servant who was fond of the huntsmen overheard the discussion and went to tell them ofit.
“The lion wants the king to think you’re girls!” he warned them.
“How ridiculous,” the lady laughed.
“I know! You wear trousers!”
The lady conferred with her fellows once the servant had gone. “When the time comes, you must step firmly on the peas. Resist any womanly impulses to gambol or caper.”
“Can we not scamper? Or even prance?” one of the girls beseeched her.
“You must not prance, no matter how powerful your prancing instinct,” the lady ordered them. “Be brave.”
The following morning, the king called the huntsmen to court. But the twelve disguised women stomped into the room, taking such solid steps that every pea was smashed to bits beneath their boots.
“You wished for something, my king?” the lady queried.
“Not really,” he hedged. “I just wanted, uh, to say hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi there.”
“Hello.”
They smiled at each other inanely for a while until the lion cleared his throat and the king, coming back to his senses, dismissed them.
“Well, it looks like I was right and you were wrong,” the king scolded the lion. “Wallow in your wrongness, Lion.”
“Someone must have warned them,” the lion growled. “They knew you were testing them, so they imitated the insect-stamping walk instead of using the insect-sweeping walk. Give me another chance.”
“You may have one more chance, but then I will waste no more time on this farce. Choose some final trial.”
The lion pondered. “All right—here is a plan that cannot fail. Have twelve spinning wheels set up around the room, andsummon the hunters to your presence. Being women, they will naturally be drawn to them. Any man would simply ignore them.”
“Really?” The king was once again dubious.
“Oh, yes. Female humans are invariably obsessed with spinning, whereas male humans are repulsed by anything of the sort. I have hypothesized this is because humans are actually a kind of enormous spider. It goes back to the days when the women would use their spinnerets to produce webs so they could trap their prey, whereas men would only employ them to swing from tree to tree. Of course, your spinnerets are mostly vestigial now.”
“That is a compelling theory,” the king admitted.
“It explains the insect stamping, too. It’s all in my book. I can send you a copy if you like.”
