And then, in a twist that makes my brain do a record scratch, the big evil demon drops to one knee like a fucking medieval knight pledging fealty. "Ego ad mandatum tuum, venefica," it rumbles, its head bowed in submission.
I blink. Once. Twice. Nope, still see a creature straight outta Satan's asshole kneeling at the feet of my sister-in-law's bestie. "Well, then," I mutter, my jaw hanging open like a broken puppet.
Seraphina's grip on my arm tightens, her nails digging into my skin like she's trying to anchor herself to reality. I don't blame her. I'm half-convinced I'm hallucinating this whole thing, and any second now, I'm gonna wake up in a padded room with a straitjacket and a daily dose of the good drugs. But nope, this is happening. Emily,our resident witch queen, just made a fucking demon her bitch. And I thought I'd seen everything.
"Uh, Em?" I venture, taking a cautious step forward. "Not that I'm not impressed by your sudden foray into demon taming, but what the actual fuck just happened?"
Emily glances back at me, her eyes wide with shock and dawning realization. "I... I think I just bound him to my will," she says slowly like she's testing out the words as she says them. "Holy shit, I didn't even know I could do that."
"That makes two of us," I mutter, eyeing the kneeling demon warily.
Now we have to figure out what the hell to do with our new pet hellspawn. Because something tells me this isn't the kind of stray you can take home and feed table scraps.
"Ego ad mandatum tuum, domine mi." it says to Emily, voice like gravel in a blender. "Potestatem deae habes et ego apud te miserere."
"What the hell is it saying?"
"He said, 'I'm at your command, My Lady. You possess the powers of a goddess. I am at your mercy.'" Emily conveys.
"Wow, laying it on thick there, aren't we, edgelord?"
Emily's eyes go wide, then smirks. "Is that so?"
Ohshit—I know that look. That's Emily's patented "I'm about to be a magnificent asshole" face.
Emily's lips curl into a shit-eating grin. "Oh, this is gonna be good. Okay, big guy. Do your best chicken impression!"
Big, dark, and demonic just stares at her like she's lost her mind. "Right—maybe your new pet only speaks the language of dead people and Catholic guilt."
"Click sicut pullum," Emily tries again, because apparently demon-taming isn't entertaining enough.
The demon's flaming eyes narrow like someone just insulted his mother. "Non sum spectaculum aliquod entertainment."
Emily snorts like a teenager who just found their parent's browser history.
"Translation for those of us who didn't take 'Speaking in Tongues 101'?"
"He said 'I am not some entertainment show.'" Emily repeats, looking way too amused. "Our demon's gotsass!"
Great. Just what we needed. A demon with attitude.
"Uh, guys?' Sable interjects, looking two seconds away from shitting her pants, "Not to rain on this weird little parade, but can we continue this discussion somewhere that's not a creepy catacomb full of unspeakable evil? Just a thought."
I clap my hands together, echoing through the chamber like a gunshot. "Alright, kids, mission accomplished! We've sealed the butt hole, acquired a pet demon, and I'm missing my favorite TV show. Time to blow this popsicle stand before something else decides to crash our party."
I turn to Emily, gesturing grandly to her new pet. "After you, O Mistress of the Damned. Lead the way."
Emily rolls her eyes, but I can see the hint of a smile playing at the corners of her lips. She snaps her fingers, pointing towards the exit."Audisti hominem. Movere eam."
The demon rises, towering over us like a living shadow. It inclines its head towards Emily, a gesture of respect that looks utterly bizarre coming from a creature that probably eats souls for breakfast."Ut iubes, hera."
And with that, our little party of misfits and monsters makes its way out of the catacombs, one apocalypse averted, and one demon tamed.
All in a day's work for the fucking Scooby Gang from hell.
Danica
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