She nods quietly. After assessing me for a beat, she adds, “What’s gotten into you today?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry. I guess I have some unprocessed trauma.” I chuckle, trying to keep things light.
She presses her lips together. “That’s the second time today your Joker smile has come out. You’re freaking me out.”
I drop my head in my hands. I wanted to be better at hiding this. Lauren deserves a perfect day, and I’m screwing it up. I need to think of something quick.
“It’s the hunting trip,” I blurt, moving my hands to look at her.
She draws her head back like that’s the last thing she expected me to say. Her eyebrows are still narrowed like she doesn’t believe me, so I keep explaining. “I know we talked about this being a chance for me to find joy for myself. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to take a moment like that. I’m a little nervous I won’t be able to enjoy it properly, but I’m also excited to spend time with two of my favorite people and focus on letting myself be happy.”
Silence falls over us, and I wait for her to respond, to see if my words were enough to throw heroff track. She doesn’t need to take on the worry I have about the letter. She’d turn it into another thing she needs to make right and balanced, but this isn’t Lauren’s problem. It’s hardly even mine. I just need a couple days to get over this, and everything will be okay.
Chapter Forty
Lauren
He’s hiding something.I can see the pain glinting in his eyes. No amount of Joker smiles or silly jokes will cover that up, but I can see from the look on his face he isn’t going to tell me what’s running through his mind right now. It stings.
I know Jax is a good man, but watching him sit here and pretend like nothing is wrong reminds me of the times Austin lied to me to be with other women. It stirs up all the feelings of inadequacy I’ve been working to fight off over the last month. He clearly doesn’t think I’m strong enough to handle whatever he’s got going on, and it scares the living crap out of me.
My surprise for Jax is still in my pocket. I was so excited to give it to him. I poured my heart and soul into making the beaded keychain. Similar to the charm bracelet he gave me sophomore year, it was supposed to be a symbol of strength to help him overcome his self-doubts, a reminder that I care for him, and a way of thanking him for showing me Ideserve to be treated with respect and kindness, both from those around me, and myself. He’s given me the gift of unconditional love, and I wanted to return the favor, but now it feels stupid.
Jax stares at me expectantly, and I realize I haven’t answered him. “Okay,” I say, my voice coming out hoarse.
He watches me, waiting for me to say more, but I don’t. What else am I supposed to say?
“We should head back. Charlie will be wondering where I am.”
“Wait, I thought you had a surprise for me?”
I laugh a laugh that does nothing to hide my level of discomfort right now. “Thisisthe surprise. I just wanted to give us some alone time to talk.”
He looks disappointed, but I can’t give him the keychain right now. I can’t make myself be vulnerable after he clearly lied to my face. I don’t know what happens next for us, but I know I need to get out of here right now.
Grinchie
How’s the puppy doing?
Me
She only had to get up once last night. Charlie gave her love this morning while I took care of some things. I think it’s safe to say she’s living her best life
And FYI we’re calling her Bella
So you’re keeping her?
NO!I just couldn’t stand the thought of calling her something lame and impersonal like puppy
Uh huh…
Grinchie
Merry Christmas Freckles!
How has your day been so far?
Me
