My teeth are starting to chatter and my whole body is shaking as my nerves take over. I don’t know what else to say to this woman. She’s starting to make me doubt myself, and everything I thought could be true for me and my future. “I’m not looking for easy,” I manage to squeak just before I glance to Chance for some support.
He chomps down another bite of his pulled pork sandwich and pauses briefly with his cheeks stuffed like a squirrel when he realizes Margaret and I are both looking at him. He gulps down his food just to say, “Maybe this won’t be the best fit after all, but we appreciate your time, Olivia.”
I look back and forth between the two of them.Am I just supposed to leave?We only got our food five minutes ago.
“Uh, yeah, thank you both for meeting with me. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” I keep my gaze on my lap as I try to blink back tears. This went so much worse than I ever could’ve imagined.
Margaret reaches out a hand, giving me a dry smile. Guess that answers my question; it’s time to go. I take it firmly and then turn to Chance, murmuring thank you one more time.
I walk out of the place like a dog with my tail tucked between my legs, shame radiating off me like an odor. I slunk outside, managing to barely keep it together until the doors close behind me. I choke back sobs, desperate to protect the family walking ten steps in front of me from the mess that is about to explode.
I make it to my car and slam the door shut just in time for the tears to start streaming down my cheeks. I pull out my phone desperate to call someone and be comforted. I actually have people to call now! But then it hits me. Who am I going to talk about this with?My mom, Rhett, Callie, Lauren, they’d all be so disappointed the meeting didn’t go well. They were all counting on me to make this work so I could stay in Roots, and I blew it. I got their hopes up, but I should’ve known it was stupid of me to think the stars would just align and I could get a job outside of accounting just like that. That’s not how the real world works.How could I let myself be so naïve?
My chest starts to tighten as my thoughts spiral, and I already know what is coming, but I don’t make any attempts to count or breathe like my counselor taught me. I feel like I'm right back where I was before I came to this town. I keep mercilessly pummeling myself with dark thought after dark thought.I’m so stupid! I can’t believe I let my guard down and let people in. Here I am, being a burden again. I blew it. I need to learn my place. It’s in tax. Even if I hate it, that’s just how it is.
My lungs grow tighter and tighter until I’m gasping for breath. Tears slither down my cheeks, and all I want to do is scream in pain. There’s this awful ache inside of me for everything that could’ve been.How dare I let myself believe I could do better?This isn’t just impacting me now, I have people I’ve let care about me, and I’m letting them down too. I swore I’d never let that happen again, but I did.
I clutch at my chest and let myself sob until I realize just how badly I’m panting, sucking in desperate gasps for air. My natural reflexes of self-preservation finally take over and I begin the box breathing technique my counselor taught me. In… two… three… four. Hold… two… three… four. Out… two… three… four.
My body slowly returns to equilibrium, the tightness in my chest lets up little by little, the tears on my cheeks slowly dry, and I feel myself catching my breath. Even as my body physically starts to feel a little better, my mind continues to swirl, and my heart feels shattered. Where do I go from here?
ChapterForty-Six
Olivia
The second Momanswers the door, I’m overwhelmed. She’s smiling too much. Her hug is too tight. She’s too happy to see me. This is all wrong.Look what I’ve done.
She pulls back, looks at my face, and frowns. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
“How did your dinner go with that marketing firm? What was that guy’s name? Chase?”
“It was Chance.”
“Did they offer you a job on the spot?” Her proud smile crushes my heart into a thousand tiny pieces.
“They didnotoffer me a job on the spot. I’m not ready to talk about it.”
She purses her lips, clearly bothered by the dark cloud of pessimism I brought with me but unsure how to deal with it or how to get the dang thing to go away.
“Have you thought about what movie you want to watch tonight?”
“No, Mom. I’ve had other things on my mind.”
“Would you like to talk about them? We don’t have to watch a movie. We can just sit on the couch, eat ice cream, and talk. I’m good with that.” Her smile is so pure. In some messed up way, I resent her for being such a good mom. She makes all of this so much harder. It was hard to keep her at a distance before, and it’s going to be even harder now that we’ve reconnected, now that we’ve redeveloped a relationship that goes beyond just being mother and daughter.
“That’s okay. Let’s watch a movie. You can pick tonight.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” I growl.
I can see the look of horror on her face, but she doesn’t press me. She’s making this easy and yet so dang hard all at once.
* * *
Swiping at a tear, Mom takes my empty ice cream bowl and says, “Gosh, that movie gets me every time, even though I know what’s coming.”
