I twirlmy spoon into my cup of ice cream and raise a melty, creamy bite of chocolate heaven to my lips. Mom and I spent the day in Fort Worth together, walking through the stockyards and popping into cute little shops. She insisted we round out our day with ice cream for dinner, and I’m honestly not mad about it.
“So, tell me more about your fundraiser. What are the latest developments? Last I heard, you had quite a few vendors who were interested in joining.”
“Yeah, I got a list of a few more from Callie when I told her about the idea, and all but one agreed to join the cause. Jax said we can use the bar parking lot, which I figured would be a good central location. Plus, it’s one of the few places in town that I think could actually host such a large event.”
“I agree. That’s part of the charm of Roots though, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
She gives me a satisfied smile but surprisingly doesn’t say anything more. I think she’s finally learning to bite her tongue, so she doesn’t scare me off.
“Carol also let me completely take over the rescue’s Instagram account. I can’t keep up with all of the ideas I keep getting for content.” I stick my spoon in my ice cream and grab my phone from my back pocket, opening up my camera roll. I have a whole album dedicated to the rescue now.
I click into the video I took a few weeks ago and sent to Rhett. “I already have a song in mind to play over this clip. It’ll be super powerful to show everyone not only the volume of dogs at the shelter, but the different types of dogs. I think there’s a misconception that there’s only a certain type of dogs in shelters, so people who maybe don’t like Pitbulls and German Shepherds just never consider adoption, but clearly, there’s a lot of different types that could suit a lot of different people.”
I pause the video and zoom in a bit. “See. This is Razz. He’s some sort of Poodle mix and the sweetest dog ever. I told Carol she’s not allowed to give him to anyone that I haven’t personally vetted. Oh, and here’s Penny. We aren’t sure what she is, but she’s adorable, and not the kind of dog I would expect to see at a rescue. She’s only twenty pounds, and we don’t think she’s going to get any bigger. And—” Mom’s laughter stops me. “What did I do?”
“Nothing. I’ve just neverseen you so… lit up. There’s no sight more beautiful than this happy and excited version of you. I can’t say you’ve ever been this way about work. It’s nice.”
I drop my phone into my lap and take a bite of ice cream. “I love being around these dogs. Don’t get me wrong, some days are freaking hard, like yesterday when I helped Carol bathe one of the new dogs at the shelter. He was covered in his own poop, and his ribs were protruding so badly that I was afraid I was going to hurt him just by touching him. No animal should have to live like that. I hate seeing it, but Ilovethat I get to help make these dogs’ lives better.
“One of the Huskies that came to the rescue a few days before my first time at Resilient Paws was so timid around both Carol and me, but he’s starting to grow his confidence with usandthe other dogs. I had a role in that, and it’s one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done with my life. Sometimes I think—” I stop dead in my tracks, knowing better than to say these words out loud with my mom. They will give her all kinds of false hope.
She places a hand on my back and rubs gently, reminding me of when I was little. I melt into her warm touch, adoring the affection that I haven’t had from either of my parents in so long. Thanks to me. “What do you think?”
Her comforting motions release the words from my mouth without any more hesitation. “Sometimes I just think I wasn’t put on this earth to do taxes. Every day in San Francisco, I woke up with this awful feeling of dread weighing me down, and each time I logged on, it felt like I lost another piece of myself. Since being here, that feeling of dread has gone away, and I’m making friends. It’s just made me think a lot about how I wanted my job so badly coming out of college, but now, I feel a little lost. My job was all I ever wanted, and now it’s… not.”
There’s a tightness in my chest as tears form in my eyes. “Have you ever had something that made you feel that way? Something that made your stomach sick with anxiety just by thinking about it? Something that drains you of everything you have to the point where you think you can’t go on one more day? Yet I have no other choice other than to get up and do it all again. It’s my job, and it’s how I afford my life.”
Mom’s eyes are soft as she watches me intently, giving me all the room I need to keep venting to her, so I do. “Now that I’m helping with the rescue, it feels like maybe that’s what I’m meant to do in my life, something with meaning, something that makes the world a better place. I’ve spent the last several years thinking I had to live without hope or fulfillment for the next forty years until I retire, but being here and helping Carol makes me think that there could be more. I really want more.” I choke back a sob. “I know that’s crazy. I know most people spend their lives hating their jobs, and they just suck it up to pay the bills. I shouldn’t be so naïve and selfish.”
I sniffle and Mom leans in to gently swipe a stray tear from my cheek. It reminds me of when she took me out for ice cream, sitting with me patiently, until I finally told her about how Natasha, my best friend since first grade, ditched me for her new boyfriend and spread rumors about me. My mom swiped away my tears that day the same way she does now.
Her soft voice brings me back to the present. “You should never, ever feel like you need to spend the rest of your life in misery. I don’t want you waking up every day with dread. I don’t want you to hate your life, and you should not have to spend every day doing something that takes away pieces of you. You have this light inside of you that shines so bright. You’re kind and driven. Iknowyou’re meant for good things, whether that’s a fancy job at the Big Four or helping the local animal rescue. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or what society says. At the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live your life and live with your choices, so make ones that will help you be happy.”
She grabs my hand gently, pulling it into her lap as her eyes bore into me, intent on making me meet her gaze. “You can always make a change, and you’ll never be alone in making that change. Your dad and I are always here for you. We want you to be happy, and we will move mountains to make that happen.”
I just got the tears back under control, but her words turn the gentle flow into a flood. I lean into her as I fight back another sob. “Do you think Dad would be disappointed if I left now, right before making it to senior?”
“Oh, honey.” She smoothes her hand over my head in a comforting motion. “Your dad could never be disappointed in you. You’re his daughter, and he loves you unconditionally. We both do. You’re not responsible for righting your dad’s wrongs, if you could even call them that. Yes, I think he wonders what could’ve been, but your dad is so happy with his life now. He wants the same for you.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive. You need to do what’s right foryou.”
“Thank you. Please don’t say anything about this to Dad. I need to talk to him myself.”
I swipe away a little snot with my napkin. This is not a pretty cry, this is an “I’m exhausted, and I’ve lost hope, but I’ve found hope and I want to chase after it but I’m afraid to” ugly cry. I should be embarrassed. I should close down and not let her see me like this. I’ve spent so long building up walls and keeping her out, but it’s so hard to remember why I’ve done that when her warm touch feels so comforting. Her gentle words feel like home, and it’s been so long since I’ve felt the feeling of home. God, I’ve missed her. I resent myself the slightest bit for keeping her at a distance for years, and I resent myself for letting the urge slowly creep in right now, but some little piece of me finds enough strength to push the urge aside and for once let my mom help me. It feels so good to be cared for, to get help.
Her voice drops down to a whisper that could be lost if the breeze caught in right. “Have you thought at all about staying here? You could make Roots your home. You know everyone would love to have you stay. You can keep helping out at the shelter, and I’ll bet Rhett would be more than happy to let you continue living with him or rent out the cottage when it’s ready. I know he adores having you around.” She smirks. “You’re also welcome with your dad and me at any time. I know it’s embarrassing, or whatever, but we will always take you in if you need a place to land.”
“Thank you.”
She must see the hesitation on my face because she adds, “If being here doesn’t make you happy, then don’t stay, but you need to know that you’re absolutely welcome here if that’s something you want. You have options. You don’t need to go back to a horrible job that sucks the life out of you and gives you so much anxiety that you have panic attacks.” She’s never been able to say those words out loud before, but she doesn’t even blink now.
“You’re right, honey. We aren’t put on this earth just to work a job and get promoted. Yes, you need to make money to support yourself, but you shouldn’t have to wake up dreading every day to make that money. That’s not a good life. We will figure something out together. Whatever the right solution is foryou, we will make it happen. You’re not alone in this world, and I hope you never believed you were.”
A wave of something unfamiliar washes over me. It’s calming and cleansing. I feel so heard and understood. I’ve spent years thinking there was something wrong with me for believing there could be more to life than working seventy-hour weeks and breaking myself down daily. Now I finally have someone who is telling me my feelings are valid, someone to empower me to make a change. I feel lighter.
