I absolutely want him to run his hands all over my soapy body and to fall asleep tonight curled up in his warmth. I recognize this means opening my heart up to him even more, which is still terrifying, but I also know better than to let a little bit of fear hold me back. I want to take our relationship to the nextstep and share this special kind of intimacy with him, so in my most confident voice, I reply, “I’d love that.”
His crooked smile is immediate, and I can’t help but return it, knowing I made the right choice for me. This is about what I want, and right now, I want to open my heart up even more to the man I love.
CHAPTER 40
Summer 19
An hour later, I sit out on the Martins’ back deck with a plate of homemade tacos in my lap and the scent of Andrew’s rustic shampoo emanating off of me like a cloud. Andrew, the angel that he is, ensured I not only got cleaned up but got fed immediately after we got home.
The sun is setting, and I can’t help but feel disappointed. It’s not quite eight o’clock, and it’s already starting to get dark. That means the summer is coming to an end, and I’m not ready to close this chapter yet.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Rebecca’s accident. Andrew and I have both managed to carefully avoid the word death. It feels too vulgar, even if it is the reality we are facing.
We plan to get up early tomorrow morning so we can make the trek up to the viewpoint and watch the sunrise while eating cookie dough. I guess in a way, eating cookie dough at six in the morning is an act of rebellion in and of itself that Rebecca would’ve enjoyed. I’m genuinely excited about it. It’s weird how I can feel melancholic and sentimental while still being excited to celebrate Rebecca all in one moment.
I take a bite from my taco, topped with taco sauce andguacamole. “Are you sure your parents are going to be okay? They shouldn’t be working tomorrow. You should spend the day together as a family.”
Andrew’s parents had no desire to be at the lake tomorrow, so they flew out to handle some business matters early this morning. Everyone has their own ways of handling grief, but their insistence on throwing themselves into work makes me sad for them. I’ve been there before, and it’s a dark path. Rebecca was their daughter though. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your child, a personal mini-me made of half you and half the person you love.
Tilting his head, Andrew explains, “My parents are great, and our family is close, but some things haven’t been the same since the accident. Sometimes I think being around me hurts them because, despite our many differences, Rebecca and I do also have lots in common.”
I wince. “I can see that in you too, but it doesn’t hurt me to be around you. You’re their son!”
He smiles softly. “They still love me. Things are just different. My dad has always found work to be important. That’s how we’ve been able to afford our lifestyle. As for my mom, she’s always kept herself busy taking care of us, and she doesn’t need to do that anymore, so I think this has been good for her. She’s found something new that’s her own. Yeah, she’s working for my dad’s company, but she’s taken on several projects as entirely her own, and I’ve never seen her happier.”
“Does it hurt you though? Do you feel… I don’t know… left behind?”
“I might’ve if I didn’t have you, but instead I get to spend the evening with my gorgeous girlfriend slash best friend doing terribly sinful things with no parents around.” His eyelids lower seductively.
I push his shoulder. “Andrew! I’m being serious!”
“So am I!” he grumbles. “There’s no place I’drather be right now, Em. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I’ve got you, good food, and a beautiful sunset. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
I can’t help but smile. I turn my gaze back to the sunset, admiring its soft orange hues that melt into pinks. It’s like looking at a watercolor painting. “This is more than a beautiful sunset. It’s gorgeous!” I exclaim.
Andrew just shakes his head. “No, it’s not. That word is reserved for you.”
“You’re so cheesy!” I blush.
“But it’s working,” he says smugly.
I take the last bite of my taco, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a response, but he’s a quick thinker. “I see I have mastered the art of making tacos. You inhaled them!”
I giggle. “Don’t go getting too full of yourself. I only ate mine so quickly because there was nothing else to eat. For future reference, tacos shouldn’t be so salty.” I make a sour face.
He gasps and pretends to be offended, and I’m reminded so much of his sister. Rebecca and Andrew always had such distinct personalities and physical characteristics that it’s easy to forget they shared a womb for nine months. One could tell they’re related by looking closely at them, but to me, they’ve always been individuals.
Andrew breaks the space between us, grabbing my empty plate from my lap and placing them gently on the table behind him. He pulls me to my feet and traces the back of his forefinger along my jaw till it reaches my chin. Tilting my head up to face him, he slowly pulls me in for a kiss.
His warm mouth crashes into mine, and his tongue flickers and teases my mouth. When he gently bites my lower lip and slowly pulls it, I swear I whimper a little bit.
The corners of his mouth turn up at the sound, and he pulls me back into the house, taking me straight to his bedroom. There’s a pulsing in my chest that travels south as I follow him, gleefully, only feeling excitement for this next step.
When my alarm goes off at four am to make cookie dough, I am floating on a cloud. Andrew peels his eyelids open for a moment, just long enough to give me a gentle kiss. “Good morning, love. Do you need help?”
I nuzzle into him before responding, “I’ve got this. You can get a little more sleep.” I press a kiss to his forehead, and I swear he’s dozed back to sleep before I can even walk the ten steps out of his room.
As I mindlessly blend the ingredients in the Martins’ kitchen, purely out of habit after so many years, my mind drifts to the events of last night.
