“Why can’t you trust him? Because of something he did while he was enduring the worst pain of his life? Don’t act like you were perfect either, Emma. You completely shut out your entire family, the people that are supposed to be closest to you. You didn’t try all that hard at making friends in school, either. You just threw yourself into work and pretended like the rest of the world stopped existing. You can’t judge him for what he did then when you did the exact same thing,” she challenges.
“But he still isn’t being completely transparent with me. It’s happened this summer, too.”
“Can you honestly say you’re perfect? Don’t act like you have overcome everything that’s held you back in the past. You’ve grown, but you’re still scared of things. You’re still not letting me completely in. It sucks. You’ve come so far. Don’t let old habits creep back in just because summer is ending, and wehave to go back to our old lives. You can let your life this summer be your new life wherever you go.”
I’m speechless. I had no idea Dani felt this way. Honestly, I didn’t think she noticed. It’s not like Dani and I were ever that close until this summer.
“Dani, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“It’s okay. I know we weren’t that close before, but I’ve alwayswantedto be there for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you went through when you lost Rebecca, and it was so hard to watch you shut the world out. You became this shell of a person for months, but this summer you were vibrant again. You were letting people in, and you were healing. Don’t throw all that away again and shut everyone out. You deserve happiness.”
I chew on my lip, trying to keep myself from tearing up again, but these tears aren’t sad tears. They’re happy tears because I now know I have a sister who is willing to fight for my happiness.
“Don’t deny yourself the possibility of staying together and being happy. You’re not even giving the relationship a chance. I can only imagine that hurtsmorethan if you try and fail. You both will have to live with the what ifs and the knowledge that you didn’t even want to try,” she continues, as if she hadn’t already gotten through to me.
I choke on a sob.When did I start crying again?“Idowant to try, Dani! It’s just terrifying. I can’t take more loss.”
“Aren’t you losing Andrew this way anyway?” she challenges.
“I—” I pause, her words hitting me hard. “I’ll explain everything to him in a year from now. He’ll understand. I can at least get my friend back. I’m sure of it.”
“Even if that’s true, do you want to go another year of your life without Andrew in it?”
I want to screamNo! Of course not! He’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.Instead, I shrug. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s already done, Dani. You may be right, and Imay have made a huge mistake, but I’ve already said all those things to him. I’ve lost his trust now.”
She shakes her head, a smile spreading across her face, instantly drawing my attention.Why is she smiling? This isn’t a happy moment or a funny moment. This is one of the low points of my life!
“Emma, you idiot! You’ve been friends with Andrew since you were nine years old. You’ve both loved each other for years, much longer than just this summer. You’re smart enough to know Andrew wouldn’t just throw all of that away because of a fight. You just need to be honest with him.”
I’m already shaking my head. “You weren’t there during our fight, Dani. He was really upset with me. I said some really hurtful things and royally screwed up this time.”
“Okay, so you make up for it. You tell him you messed up, and you prove to him how much you love him.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. Quit making everything so complicated. I know you tend to overthink things. It’s okay, but don’t let your mind play tricks on you and ruin your chance at happiness.”
I swallow and wipe at the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I need to go for a run,” I practically whisper as I turn away from Dani and head out the front door to let every part of these nightmarish last twenty-four hours sink in.
CHAPTER 36
Summer 19
I’m going to pay for this run tomorrow. I’ve somehow managed to run nine miles so far while averaging a pace of six minutes and forty-five seconds per mile. I don’t know the last time I ran this far, especially this fast, but my mind is racing, and each mile passes swifter than the late summer breeze.
At this point, I’ve already decided I’m going to run ten miles. Once I made it to eight and a half, there was no point in trying to convince myself I’d go any shorter. Ten is just a perfectly round number. It makes sense. In a world where I don’t currently know what’s right versus what’s wrong, I’m thankful for even numbers like ten.
I’ve spent the last hour wrestling with my heart and mind. My heart is screaming at me through tears, telling me I’m an idiot, and I need to get Andrew back as soon as possible. Screw the odds, I have totryto be with him. He’s worth it. Meanwhile, my mind is still telling me we’d be in over our heads trying to stay together.
However, my mind is starting to side with my heart as I carefully analyze my discussion with Dani. She made goodpoints. I love Andrew, and I know he loves me too. Our relationship is worth fighting for, and I will always have to live with the what-ifs if I don’t try. I’m no saint, and I was being such a hypocrite for expecting him to be perfect, especially after all that we’ve been through in the past year.But is that my heart or my mind talking?I just don’t know.
My watch beeps at me, notifying me I hit ten miles. My last mile was 6:30 pace. It’s insane how fast I can run when my mind is occupied.
I pull my phone out of my pocket. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to Andrew since we made up earlier this summer. I know we both said some very hurtful things, but I still can’t believe he hasn’t texted me. I thought he believed we were worth fighting for, but here I am, alone. I guess he decided it’s not worth the fight if I don’t want to be fought for. Here’s the thing, I know now that I do want that. I’ll have to be the one to fight for us now.
Me
Hey
