I was rendered speechless my pro-choice opinion of mothers mattering more almost feeling relief that she hadn’t been considered in the equation.Lord, forgive me.
“Basically.”
“Do you feel better talking to me about it?” I wasn’t a professional but I could at the barest of minimus listen to him while he worked out his feelings. I could tell they were weighing him down hard and I wondered what triggered him into thinking about her.
“No. I’ve been in therapy and even Doc says the same shit that you do but it doesn’t make me feel any less…fucked up.” He flopped down on the sofa and ran his hands through his hair like he didn’t know what to do with his body.
I stood there speechless feeling like a fool and not knowing what I could say or do to help him process this. He’d clearly been working on it by himself but I was sure that this level of vulnerability was hard for him.
“Fucked up is an understatement. I’m not about to tell you to look on the bright side of this. It’s a blessing and a testament to the type of man you are for you to have kept Ami. To have provided for her but for your heart to have opened up to her the way it has. For you to love her despite how she got here. That makes you a truly exceptional man, Aldrich.”
He peered up, a curl falling over his eye as he studied my face. “My being a good dad now doesn’t change how I was then. Denying her and probably stressing her out in the womb. That’s not a good dad.”
I had to laugh because if I knew anything I knew shitty parents. And that wasn’t just from my own parents but also from the ones I’d worked with. “Shitty parents neglect their kids. Even when they decided to have them. You didn’t have a choice. Think of the vast number of men who choose to have kids and then abandon them.”
“Sounds like this is hitting home.”
“Some. But at the same time, it’s just an honest depiction of some men today. So please stop putting yourself down because you had a normal human reaction with the information you had. And seeing how you love her isn’t admirable, it’s the model for men to love their children. Selflessly, completely and without the feelings of the other parent tainting it. A lot of co-parenting situations would be much better if they could do that.”
Aldrich nodded again and then seemed to notice the distance between us. “Why you so far away from me, Ling?”
“I didn’t know if you wanted me to be close while you were talking. You needed the mental and physical space of being able to lash out however you needed. Taking me into consideration right now isn’t where your focus should be.”
He motioned me closer and I hesitated. “I need to feel you, Ling.”
I knew a lot about people using different mechanisms to cope with trauma and I didn’t want to be that thing or that person for Aldrich. Right now I wanted him to feel my presence and hope that wasn’t what he was going to do. I walked closer to him and he pulled me the rest of the way, pressing his head into my stomach and just resting. His entire body relaxed into me and I felt a tear fall. My hand threaded through his hair scratching gently against his scalp and felt his body shudder and his breath release heavily. The more he relaxed, the more of his weight I bore until I felt my muscles started to slightly strain.
I felt him shift before my legs were swept up from beneath me. “Aldrich!”
He settled my legs around him before resting his head on my chest. “You feel good on me, Ling. I’ve been telling you that. Warm, safe, like home. Let me have that for a minute.”
“Of course you can.” He snuggled me closer to him and I wrapped my arms around him.
“The only reason I’m able to function like this with her is because of you.” Aldrich’s voice sounded sleepy, as though this confession had taken that much energy out of him.
“That’s a nice thing to say but I’m sure that you were going to come around to it eventually.” I lowered my tone to match his and I felt my eyes getting heavier as his breath on my chest started to lull me.
“I’m glad you have that faith in me. I know myself, though. I would probably have fucked all of this up and damaged her. I’m glad I didn’t do that.”
“Well, my faith is based on the person and you’ve clearly earned it. I don’t take trusting someone lightly, and you’ve earned that. I’ve broken a fairly big rule of my own with what has happened between us—”
His head eased up, his eyes now wide open. “I hate that you feel you’ve compromised your morals by giving in to the attraction between us.”
“Not morals. More like professionalism.”
“Fuck that job.”
He responded so fast and so seriously I couldn’t help but crack up. “Aldrich!”
“I ain’t joking and you know that.”
He leaned over and his full lips met mine, stealing my breath as his kiss turned soft and then sensual. I tried not to get wrapped up in it hoping I didn’t push him too far but when he started to rub my back, his hands going beneath my shirt and finding my nipples, I started to roll my hips.
His hands had new calluses on them from camp but the roughness felt so good against the sensitive skin of my nipples I could feel myself getting aroused.
A whimper and then a slight wail from the baby monitor had us both breaking away from each other.
“Not my baby cockblocking.” He sounded so put out that Ami needed us right at this moment that I almost felt bad for him. I mean hell I felt bad for myself because I was interested in getting some loving too.
