I hung up on her before she could say anything else. The guilt trip wasn’t going to work because I no longer felt beholden to her. I’d done the one thing she couldn’t—I’d broken away. Even if it was just for right now, this was the first step of many I felt sure I could make. I never lived for her approval but still sought it out because that was how she raised me. Now I needed to focus on being a better me. And the crying voice on the video monitor was the reason that I had the strength. I finished putting Ami’s clothing in her drawers and made my way into her bedroom.
Overnight she slept in my room, but I was slowly trying to acclimate her to sleeping in her crib during the day. She’d been home for two weeks and now was just over six weeks old so even though she’d come early I didn’t think it was too soon to have her sleep alone. Of course, some days I couldn’t put her down and she just slept in her wrap as I did chores around the house or I slept on the daybed in her room.
“Good morning, Princess!” I grabbed one of the pre-made bottles of water out of the fridge and added her formula to it before placing it in the bottle warmer. When I walked to her crib she was wiggling inside her pink, floral sleep sack like she was ready to be let out.
Ami was a beautiful baby and I could say that without bias because she wasn’t mine. She had that adorable infant scrunch and new baby smell that was so intoxicating. That head full of big curls seemed to have gotten longer in the last two weeks and I wondered if I should get her a little baby silk cap. She was still too young for one but a compromise of silk crib sheets might work to protect her hair.
It was always my favorite assignment when I worked with neonates because even though they were sometimes fighting fortheir lives there was so much hope and promise in each of them. Ami wasn’t any different. She was hitting her milestones despite the traumatic way she’d been born and didn’t seem to have any ill-effects to arriving at thirty-seven weeks.
Ami didn’t return my cheer and her bottom lip quivered as her tiny face scrunched up. I knew she was hungry and I’d thought to change her diaper before she got fed, but that wasn’t what she wanted to happen. I unzipped the sack but kept her limbs braced so that it wouldn’t activate her startle reflex. I scooped her up happy that she hadn’t soaked through her diaper while she slept so I had some time before she had to be changed.
I grabbed her bottle out of the warmer and tested it against the inside of my wrist before I placed it at her lips. She hungrily worked her little mouth around the nipple and began to drink her meal her tiny little eyes finally blessing me with a look. It was a what took you so damn long look, but still a blessing in my eyes.
“Well, there you are pretty girl. Did you have a good nap?”
I swore she stared at me like I was ridiculous to be asking her those questions so I could only laugh and sit down in the gliding armchair that was in her room. Aldrich had given me free rein to buy what he thought was necessary but I didn’t take the liberty to decorate anything. That would be up to him or her whenever she got older.
I was mesmerized watching her have her bottle noting every feature that screamed she was going to grow into the prettier version of her father. She had big cognac-colored eyes like him and a head full of curls just like him. To add insult to injury, she had the audacity to be born with the same deep dimples that dented his cheeks.
Her skin was slightly lighter and that seemed to be the only thing that hinted at her mother doing more than carrying her.
“She good?”
I glanced up noting the way he looked in the room. His steps were slow, a caution borne either from not wanting to disrupt us or spook me with his sudden appearance.
“She is. Ami, you going to say good morning to your daddy?” He seemed to wince at that title and I wasn’t about to touch that emotion for anything. He clearly had stuff he needed to iron out and it wasn’t my place to do any of that. Seeing to her needs was the extent of my involvement and despite how I wanted to heal whatever was going on because Aldrich seemed like a good guy, I wasn’t here for that. But damn if I wasn’t pulled toward trying to help.
Gotta stop trying to fix the broken ones. This man clearly doesn’t want to be saved.There were moments when he seemed to go full-throttle with her and others where he would shrink back into himself. It was almost like the baby had given him PTSD and he was trying his hardest to fight it. I didn’t understand any of it and it wasn’t my place to ask but it was heartbreaking for both of them.
“Um, I wanted to go over a few things with you before I left.” Aldrich was shifting on his feet and I noticed he was looking more nervous than he normally did. He was dressed down and I knew this was probably his attempt at being incognito. The plain tee and basketball shorts with sneakers were helping, but he just had one of those faces that marked him. He was too handsome for people to ignore and then when they realized who he was I was sure he was constantly getting mobbed. Downside of pretty privilege I guess.
“How long will you be gone and will it be okay if I contact you if an emergency arises?” I put Ami up on my shoulder after I noticed she’d sucked down the two ounces of her bottle. Aldrich had looked into a donor milk program but was too wary of allowing what he called a random to nourish his baby. Because she’d been in the NICU there were women who donated theirmilk free of charge to the bank. I could understand the hesitation since the screening processes for a lot of places weren’t consistent. Ami was thriving on her formula so it wasn’t an issue.
Her little face found its way directly into my neck as I rubbed her back soothingly to coax her burp out of her.
“Wait, what?” When I glanced up he looked almost confused and his body was tense, like something I said offended him.
“Oh, some of the parents don’t wish to be bothered if an emergency happens with their children while I’m around. They will give me power of attorney over medical—”
The look of disgust that crossed his face was clearly for my former employers and for me thinking he was anything like them. “No, hell nah. I’m just going to be out for the day, not out of town or anything like that. Not until camp. I didn’t even really feel like taking a vacation this year. Wasn’t in the mood.”
“I mean, no one would blame you if you needed to take a few days. Being a new parent is hard.”
He smirked and shook his head, the big fluffy curls on the top of his head moving as he did. “Be for real. I ain’t done anything. You’ve done all the heavy lifting the last two weeks and I appreciate it too. I can’t say when that will end.” When Aldrich scratched the back of his head nervously I knew he felt some kind of way about speaking his truth but I needed him to understand he had done far more than most families we’d dealt with. When I wasn’t actively working with my cousin I would help him screen potential families especially those that had medical requests. A lot of rich people didn’t have a basic understanding of sacrificing for their kids and wanted nannies to be basically be parents. I’m sure he wouldn’t believe me if I told him the number of times women expected their nannies to be wet nurses to their children.
“You hired me for a reason. If it ends I don’t have a job.” Ami kicked her tiny feet and I rubbed her back a little quicker, hoping to get her burp out of her since she seemed to be uncomfortable.
“Yeah well we never went over days off that you might need or anything like that. I got a card with your name added to my account—”
“That wasn’t necessary. I can use the card through the agency and have them just send you a bill.”
“That seems like a lot of extra steps for no reason, Sterling.”
I opened my mouth to respond but Ami chose that moment to burp and I could feel something wet slide down the back of my shoulder.
Shit.
“Hey, can you grab her for just a second?”
