I ran a hand down my face and exited my truck, making the trek across the parking lot as I let my thoughts continue to ping-pong around in my head. There was far too much going on for me to work any of it out for myself. I scanned my badge and made my way up to the third floor—somewhere I hadn’t had to visit in a long while. I’d been sitting here for far too long just looking and taking up this man’s precious time. But speaking felt like my thirteenth reason, despite how the words seemed crowded at the back of my lips waiting for a chance to spill out.
“Money, there’s only so much I can do with you sitting here with your head in your hands.”
I came to the only place that really felt like home to me. The only refuge I had now: the team facilities. But instead of working out, I was sitting in front of the only man I’d been able to be weak in front of since my father died. My trust in him was probably higher than he understood and I hadn’t even broached all the topics that I truly needed to talk about. But I guess we all had to start somewhere.
I glanced up at Doc and saw the smile on his face. I wished it was mocking, even jovial, but instead it was concerned. And that made the knives in my gut start stabbing again. He didn’t worry about the time and instead worked in multi-hour blocks of time. If you needed to talk he let you continue until you stopped. Doc seemed to understand the lifestyle that we lived or at least the troubles it could bring. He didn’t mind staying late hours because he wanted our mental health to be protected as much as possible from everything we had to balance.
“I’m not sure what to say right now.” That was truth tinged with a lie. There were obviously issues that were front of the line but how could I explain my hesitation and my emotions without discussing the root of it all? And even if I did, would I be judged for the way I was reacting to the situation? Would they think I was just taking out the emotions on an innocent baby?
“How is the baby?” Something I was sure he thought was a lob but only reminded me of the weight I carried into his sanctuary.
“She’s good.” I felt like shit that I hadn’t even thought of a name for her until Sterling said something. I was sure that she thought I was a terrible person but her professionalism prevented her from looking at me like scum. I still looked at myself that way even if she didn’t vocalize it.
“I understand the media has been hounding you. Is that was has you in my office?”
“No.”
He smiled in that soft, understanding way, the lines around his mouth clearly from smiling and not with age despite him being close to retirement. It was the type of smile to disarm you yet I still didn’t relax. “I didn’t think so. I’m assuming the abrupt nature in which your daughter’s existence was made known to you has you here.”
Doc was getting closer so I gave him a brief nod. “Somewhat. I don’t know how I’m supposed to adjust to how life is going right now.”
“Do you have help?” Another gentle question to get me talking.
“Yeah. I hired someone and she’s well-recommended. My mother is going to come when my younger siblings get out of school in a few weeks.”
“Are they coming with her?”
“Probably. But I think she just wants to get the lay of the land. She doesn’t want to step on the nanny’s toes but she wasn’t about to have just anyone watching her grandchild. And of course, she wants to meet her so I’m shocked she’s waited this long.”
My mother was probably video chatting with Sterling when I wasn’t around just so that the baby would know her voice. We didn’t get the benefit of interacting with her while she was in the womb and I knew that had us at a disadvantage now. But she seemed to be okay with me and Sterling so far. I just prayed it continued and that Ami didn’t have any lasting effects of not having the woman she shared DNA with around. My mama made a point of telling me she liked Sterling when I introduced them on a video call. I knew Sterling had a cell phone but I added a line to my plan so that I could give her a business phone. I didn’t want her to feel as though her life was going to be overrun with me and my needs simply because she worked for me now.
“As a grandfather myself, I can understand her stance. If you’ve got help coming, it appears the change is something that is being made easy for you.” That was a broad statement but more of a probing one because he was attempting to softly get to the root of my issue.
“Yeah. But the weight of the responsibility for someone else is…a lot.”
Doc nodded and I was sure he could relate. He had to be a first-time father in order to be a current grandfather and despite our situations being different I know he was thinking of how he felt all those years ago.
“Also understandable. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, tell me what’s on your mind.”
I studied his face and noticed the shift. The one from allowing me to skirt my problems the last few minutes to forcing me to sit down and face them.
I ran a hand down my face before squeezing the back of my neck. The tension didn’t ease and I wasn’t sure it ever would. “And what I say stays between us?”
I knew it would but this was just a stall tactic while I attempted to figure out where to start. His office was familiar. Large desk in front of windows with a view of the practice field. Mini bar area stocked with food just in case sessions ran long. Furniture big enough to handle the three hundred plus pound players he saw regularly. Doc’s degrees on the side wall along with a portrait of his family. It all gave off exactly what it was supposed to give: a sense of trust and partnership with a person you could tell your deepest secrets to. I knew that the lack of team and religious signage was on purpose. Doc wouldn’t want anyone to think that he was going to put anything above their needs. Which is why so many people had such deep respect for him.
“I value my license too much to play into idle gossip by spreading your business around. I take my job too seriously. I won’t discuss what you say with the staff or the owners. I’m here for my patients, you all are just players. Now what’s wrong?”
“I resent my daughter.”
The words made me feel even more disgusting as I spoke them but they were the truth. Everything about my life had changed in a way I couldn’t recover from. I hadn’t had a choice to make such drastic changes and I couldn’t help that I resented that shit. And her.
“Okay.”
His face was emotionless and I would’ve almost felt better if I saw judgement there. This silent acceptance was fucking with me.
“You’re not going to ask questions?” I needed to bounce this disgust for myself amongst someone else. But his inability to give me that was only frustrating me more.
“This isn’t an interrogation, this is a session for you to tell me what’s wrong and we come up with ways to help you navigate the issue. Give you coping mechanisms until it’s solved or until you learn to live with it.”
