Not that I’m any better. Obviously.
“What can I do to make this up to you?” I ask, knowing she’ll give me an honest answer instead of the bullshit ‘just knowing you’re sorry is enough’ response she’d give everyone else.
Deidre and I have always had a unique sort of relationship. Part parent and child. Part aunt and nephew.
And entirely each other’s only connection to the woman we both loved desperately.
I know she loves me just as much as the sons she birthed, but it’s in a different way. Not better or worse, just different. And on some level, that’s always left me the odd man out. In spite of my aunt and uncle’s continuous attempts to make me feel like I’m no different.
But I am. Always will be.
“All I want is for you to be happy. To find something—orsomeone—besides your career that brings you joy.” She gives my knee another pat before standing up. “Because one day I’ll be gone, and I don’t want to look down from wherever I am and see the five of you still working yourselves to death.”
It’s a great thought—to find someone—but I don’t see how I can make it happen. I’m in no position to burden a woman with my swinging moods and frequently shitty disposition.
For years, I put off dating thinking I would eventually have closure. That if I just waited long enough, I’d be able to close one door and open another.
But twenty-five years later, I have to accept it’s unlikely that will happen. That this is potentially the best my life will ever be.
And I wasn’t lying earlier when I told Deidre I was happy. I am.
My version of happy. It’s not pure or unblemished, but it’s good enough.
It will have to be, because if I can’t give all of myself to someone else, I sure as hell won’t ask them to give everything to me. And with all I’ve lost, I don’t see myself being the kind of man who’d be willing to settle for half.
6
Titus
“HELL.” I LEAN back, rubbing at my stinging eyes. I’ve been at this for hours and I’m no closer to figuring out how in the hell someone breached one of our customer’s servers than I was when I started.
I’m exhausted, but I need to get to the bottom of this. If for no other reason than my own curiosity, because if it can happen to them, it can happen to us.
Pushing up from the chair where I spend the bulk of my time, I kick through the mess of empty water bottles and protein bar wrappers littering my workspace before ducking out into the hall. I barely reach the top of the stairs before my phone starts to ring.
I quickly connect the call, hopeful I can finally crash and get some much-needed sleep. “Heidi. Tell me you’ve got good news.”
The technical team Pierce has at Alaskan Security is unmatched. Even by my own team at McKinley Security Systems. When I gotthe call from one of his in-house hackers, I was shocked they hadn’t been able to figure this out on their own.
I was also flattered to be the one they called for help. I work hard at what I do—though maybe not in the same capacity most other people would—and it’s nice to know it doesn’t go unnoticed.
Even if that’s how I normally prefer to be. Unnoticed.
“Ugh. I freaking wish.” Heidi sounds as tired as I feel. “I haven’t figured out how they got in yet, but I think I’ve got us locked down tight enough they won’t make it through a second time, so you are relieved of duty.”
I pause halfway down my darkened stairs. “Are you sure? I don’t mind keeping working.” I want to sleep, but not at the cost of their company’s security. They deal with too much high-level shit to be susceptible.
Even though everyone is technically susceptible. All it takes is someone a little smarter than everyone else and with access to tech a tiny bit better than what most of the world is working with.
I try to be that person, but someday someone might beat me. In all honesty, Heidi gives me a run for my money. If I thought I could convince her to leave Alaskan Security, I’d offer her a job so fast it would make her head spin.
“Nah. We can pick it up again tomorrow. If I don’t show up to Thanksgiving on time, everyone will come find me and drag me out of the office anyway.”
“Thanksgiving?” I squint at the heavy drapes covering my windows. “What time is it?”
I’ve been so wrapped up in figuring out what happened to Alaskan Security, that I haven’t been keeping track of the hours.
And now I’m wondering if way more of them have passed than I realized.
