“I’ve never done this before,” he confessed. “You’ve probably guessed that since I wrote that I’d never even been kissed. All I’ve ever done is receive one blow job from Josh. I didn’t even blow him back, so I’ve never even seen another guy’s cock.”
Matt smiled, disentangled from their embrace, and plopped onto the bed beside Adam, propped himself up on an elbow, facing him.
Adam rolled over to face him.
The mattress dipped towards the middle, causing them to roll even closer.
They both laughed.
“I have—done it before,” Matt said. “More than once. With different guys, including Vincent-Bella.”
These were things that hadn’t been discussed in their letters. Matt felt that he owed Adam this truth—now.
Matt watched Adam’s eyes as they processed what he had just heard. Saw a flicker of sadness. Realized that he and Adam weren’t on the same page, which wasn’t surprising, but which was still troubling.
Matt caressed Adam’s lips. Kissed them.
“I want to…” Matt searched for the right word. “Fuck” was too impersonal. “Make love” was too much. He settled for Adam’s earlier phrasing. “I want to be inside you. I even brought condoms.”
Adam smiled. His nose crinkled. His eyes glittered.
The next words out of Matt’s mouth were ones he regretted as soon as he said them. “But let’s not do that tonight.”
Matt’s snake was furious to hear that, promised blue-balls-from-hell, threatened to fake impotence the next time Matt wanted its help.
Matt wasn’t too happy with himself either. Sometimes this whole fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, follow-your-gut-instinct thing got wearisome. He wanted to take it back.
“Because I’m so fragile?” Adam accused. “Because of this?” He brandished his scarred wrist.
Matt shook his head, even though part of his decision did involve Adam’s vulnerability. But that wasn’t the only reason. “Because of me,” he said. “Because this—us—feels so different from anything I’ve ever experienced…”
He cupped Adam’s chin with one hand, nuzzled his nose. “I know how to fuck. Part of me wants nothing more than to fuck you right now.”
“Why not do it, then? Fuck me?”
Matt had to talk past a lump in his throat. “Because I’m already dreaming about spending next New Year’s with you. And the one after that. Because I’d rather risk going too slowly than losing us along the way.”
Adam bit his lip, thought a minute. “It may be weeks or even months before I can see you again. You know that, right?”
Matt nodded.
“What’s that going to look like?” Adam asked. “For us?”
“What do you mean?”
Adam faltered. “I—I feel stupid asking this. It’s not like we’re boyfriends or anything. And please be honest with me—”
“Honest about what?” Matt interrupted.
“Honest about whether you’ll be fucking other guys in the meantime.”
“I won’t. I promise.” Matt knew that he was expected to continue shaking hands with the rest of the GM, strengthening the bonds that held them together. In a way, his making a promise like this to Adam was almost a negation of everything the GM stood for. After all, Evan and Luke were a couple and managed to stay together despite, or maybe because of, their handshakes with others.
All the same, the decision was not a difficult one for Matt. Adam was worth it.
Adam giggled. “My parents will be relieved to hear that we didn’t have sex tonight.”
“WHAT?”
