Kevin’s expression hardened and he took a big gulp of the cider. “Nay, we are not simply liars and cheats,” he said. “But we are spies. Spies are, by nature, liars. Pretending to be something they are not. Mayhap that is where I failed… pretending to be something I am not.”
“What is that?”
“A knight who has no business in a position of power,” he said. “I am better when I am following orders. I can command the greatest armies in the world and go to battle better than almost any man alive, but politics– and making decisions that I have told myself are for a common good– is where I have failed. I tried to be something that I am not and it has cost me everything. I do not belong here, Sean. Let me go back to Lansdown with you and command your armies. I would be better served.”
Sean listened to that confession with some heartbreak. “Kevin, you are a man whoshouldbe in a position of power,” he said. “Your goals and ethics are noble. Look at what you a have done for Wybren since you have arrived– you have provided steady income for the poor and you have dispensed justice. That is great and noble.”
Kevin shook his head, looking away. “It was the weak failings of a fool,” he said. “What you have done with your life, Sean–that was noble. I never told you that and I should have. You risked your life every day for nine long years. You gave advice to a king–a king, Sean. Not every man can say that. You are greater than I can ever hope to be. I just… I just want to go back to what I was. I want to forget I ever came to Wybren and tried to be something I am not.”
“You will never be what you were again,” Sean said softly. “You have a wife now. You have been touched by love. That changes a man forever, Kevin.”
Kevin turned his head even further away, but Sean could still see the tears starting to stream from his eyes.
“I have a wife who hates me,” he said hoarsely. “Truth be told, I hate myself. I do not blame her.”
“Oh… Keev,” Sean murmured with sadness. “She does not hate you. I spoke with her after you wandered away. She is simply hurt, but I believe she will forgive you in time. She loves you, you know.”
Kevin sniffed, wiping at his leaking face. “Mayhap she did,” he said. “But I’m sure she does not any longer.”
Sean leaned forward in his chair. “You will never know unless you ask her,” he said. “I escorted her home but I believe you should go to her. Talk to her. Do not let this fester between you. The longer you do, the more chance there is that she may harden herself. Do not let her think terrible things about you.”
“Why not?” Kevin suddenly turned to look at him, more tears on his face. “They are all true. She has every right to think it.”
“And you are just going to leave it like that?”
Kevin stared at him a moment before turning away. He completely forewent the cup of cider and grabbed the pitcher, drinking directly from it.
“I cannot face her.”
“Do you want her?”
“Of course I want her. But I do not deserve her.”
Sean had enough. He stood up, grabbing the arms of the chair his brother was sitting in and spinning it around so that he was facing him. The pitcher of cider flew out of Kevin’s hands as he found himself facing his angry brother.
For a brief moment, the deadly Lord of the Shadows flashed in Sean’s expression.
“Cease the self-pity, Kevin,” he hissed. “It does not become you. You are a seasoned knight, a veteran of King John’s wars, and a de Lara. You are not some foolish weakling that succumbs to self-doubt. I have seen you rip the throat out of a man in battle for cursing the de Lara name and I have seen you kill, easily and steadily, all in the name of the right and true cause, so cease this idiocy. I have had enough of it. You are the Lord of the Trilaterals and you aremybrother. That makes you better than almost every man in England. Do you understand me?”
Kevin was torn between despair and defiance. “You do not understand.”
That only made Sean angrier. “What don’t I understand?” he said. “That you made a decision that could cost you something dear? Shut your foolish mouth, boy. I made a decision eleven years ago to become the trained dog of a hated king. It cost me my brother for several years, but he came back to me because he loved me. Difficult decisions are sometimes made, but you make them because you feel they are necessary for the greater good. That is what you did and now you are suffering the consequences. Youknewthere would be consequences, so stop behaving as if this is all surprising. I thought you had more courage than that, but mayhap I was wrong.WasI wrong, Kevin?”
Kevin was staring up at him, suddenly not so drunk. Not one thing Sean said wasn’t true. It was a verbal lashing that had an effect on him and he took a deep breath, digesting every word his brother had just said.
They made sense.
They were true.
There was a time when Sean had made decisions that had cost him far more than the one Kevin had made. Suddenly, Kevin felt like a fool.
“Nay,” he said, swallowing hard. “You were not wrong.”
Sean’s furious gaze lingered on him a moment before he let go of the chair and stood back. “Good,” he said. “You said once that you want what Dani and I have. I think you have a chance for it, but if you truly want it, then you are going to have to fight for it. Go to her, Kevin, and take her father with you.”
It was everything Kevin needed to hear. He was looking at it from one perspective. Sean was looking at it from another. He’d let his thoughts of failure consume him when he should have been looking at how to fix the problem.
He’d let his fears run away with him.
