His gaze was averted as he spoke; he was focused on mounting his horse and trying not to cause himself too much pain in the process. “That,” he said, “and other things.”
“What other things?”
Kevin glanced over at her. She was sitting atop the wagon bench, reins in hand, looking about as regal and beautiful as he had ever seen her. She was a woman with great courage and great heart, and simple wisdom that he was coming to depend on. She had been so cold to him on the ride from Staines and it had been agonizing. He didn’t like it when she was angry with him. He liked moments like this when they were the only two people in the entire world.
That was his problem… he didn’t want to share her. He wanted her for his very own. He wanted to marry the woman and take her home to his mother, to show her and his entire family that he’d managed to overcome his heartbreak from his lost love. As he gazed at Annavieve, he realized that, at this moment, he was completely healed from the loss of Penelope de Wolfe.
Annavieve had done that for him.
She was such an uncomplicated, natural creature, and he found those traits so incredibly appealing. It seemed to be a habit with him, however, to fall for women he could never have.Here he was, falling for yet another unattainable lady. It was so very stupid of him and he knew it, but his heart had the tendency of being stupid. Perhaps that’s why he had caged it up, so he wouldn’t have to respond to its stupid wants. But somehow, someway, the past three days had erased six years of careful cultivation. The walls around his soft-centered heart were shattered and Annavieve was the one who held the hammer that beat them down.
She didn’t even know it.
“So many other things I do not even know where to start,” he said after a moment, pausing to look at her before mounting his horse. “You should not ask questions you might not like the answer to.”
Annavieve was serious. “I did not realize that was an irresponsible question,” she said. “But since we are on the subject of questions, I must ask you one and I hope you will not be offended by it.”
“What question is that?”
Annavieve paused, hardly believing she was about to ask a question that had been prevalent on her mind for two days but, at this moment, she felt as if the timing was appropriate. She was coming to wonder if perhaps his hot and cold behavior was because of something she was doing and, if so, she wanted to know what it was. Perhaps she was offending the man and didn’t even realize it. She hoped he would tell her.
“Last night when you took me to the festival,” she said quietly. “You were joyful and attentive. We danced and we laughed. I thought you were enjoying yourself as I was, and our association was most pleasant. In fact, I’ve never known such delight. But then this morning, after we… when you dressed and left, you were so cold, Kevin. What did I do to make you turn that way? You have behaved that way towards me several times andI cannot seem to understand what I have done to cause it. Will you tell me?”
Kevin simply stood there and looked at her. Had she noticed his fear, his attempts to rebuild the cracking walls around his soft heart? Either he was very bad at hiding his emotions or she was particularly adept at sensing them. He couldn’t lie to her about it; he had a good deal of respect for the woman who was caught up in this horrible circumstance just as he was. He sympathized with her. He felt for her. Dropping his horse’s reins, he limped over to her.
Reaching out, he took one of her hands and brought it to his lips, kissing it sweetly. He couldn’t think of anything else to do. He couldn’t think of what to say. All he did was kiss her hand, more than once, before looking her in the eye.
“You have done nothing,” he said hoarsely. “I am sorry if my behavior has upset you. That was not my intention.”
His gentle kisses on her hand brought a lump to Annavieve’s throat. “I am your duty,” she said, struggling not to cry because she saw so much emotion in his face. “You do not have to explain yourself but I wish you would tell me what I have done to make you cold towards me so I do not do it again. I… I do not want to offend you, Kevin. I would rather die than upset you.”
He kissed her hand again, pressing her fingers against his stubbled cheek. “Youaremy duty,” he murmured, “but I fear I am becoming attached to my duty. You need not say anything to that regard because it does not matter; neither of us has any right to feel anything at all. So if I seem cold to you at times, it is because… because my emotions are getting the better of me where you are concerned and that is not something that should happen. You will forgive me for telling you this, but I did not want you to think you have done anything wrong because you haven’t… I have.”
Tears sprang to her eyes, coursing down her cheeks. “Oh… Kevin,” she stifled a sob. “I have felt the very same thing. You are everything a woman could want in a man, in a husband, and when I look at you, I find myself cursing God that you are not the man I married. I wish with all my heart that you were.”
She was beginning to cry and he shushed her softly, wiping at her cheek, kissing the hand he still held in his big grip.
“No tears, sweetheart,” he said, happier and more grieved than he’d ever been in his life at her admission. “You must not cry.”
She couldn’t help it. “But this is wrong,” she said, unable to stop everything from coming out. “This is all so very wrong. I want to be with you. I adore everything about you, but I am married to a man who cares nothing for me. I had never known happiness in my life until I experienced it with you. I feel as if we are both trained beasts for Dorset, to perform when he commands it. It is my destiny in life to be used as a pawn but you… you are a legendary knight. He should not command you to do such immoral things. None of this is right!”
He had his hand on her cheek. “Mayhap it is not right, but for now, it is what we must do,” he whispered. “Hush, now. Do not upset yourself so. We will ride to Longcross and we will spend time together, as demanded by the duke. Two nights ago, I dreaded those demands but now… now I do not. It is wrong of me to look forward to our time together, but I do. I am coming not to care that it is wrong.”
She sniffled. “Nor I,” she whispered. “But this situation we find ourselves in… will it always be like this?”
He shrugged. “I am not for certain,” he said quietly. “It is far more complex than you or I can possibly imagine. De Ferrers wants me to impregnate you.”
“I know.”
He lifted his eyebrows, a gesture bordering on frustration. “He told me he would send you away as soon as you conceived for the duration of your confinement.”
“Send me where?”
“To Sempringham,” he replied. “Considering you will be pregnant with my child, I am not entirely sure I will allow that.”
“Allow what?”
“Any of it.” He stroked her cheek, wiping away the tears that were falling. “Please stop your tears, now. We must leave. We have already been here over-long and I fear for your safety.”
