“Imagine how Sophie feels,” Jay pointed out, and he groaned.
“Okay, back to the subject at hand. Love this. Love all of it. Do it with the old lady room, agreed, Grease?” He was deferring to him since he was bankrolling this shit for us, and Grease nodded.
“So now we just need to make it happen.” I nodded to Caroline, who pulled up the lists of information we’d compiled, suppliers, supplies we’d need, like temporary shacks for running the club, for Church, and for those who lived here to stay in.
Caroline
IT WAS AMAZING, TO be honest. To be accepted like this by these people I barely knew. To be listened to, like my ideas and suggestions were impressive, to be respected for what I’d done, how hard I’d worked.
It was more empowering than I’d imagined, like I’d grown up a little just during this process. That was part of my problem until now. I’d never really felt like an adult, just like a teenager trying to behave like one, trying to mimic their behaviour so I’d fit in. Harley’s acceptance of me, along with their acceptance of me, exactly as I am, had done wonders for my confidence. It’d proved to me that maybe I’d never been pretending, but I’d needed others to see me this way for me to actually feel it. While I didn’t like the idea of my self-worth being predicated by their belief in me, by any other person’s belief in me, I had to admit that it felt good. It seemed to settle something inside me that had always been trying to measure up.
“Set a date for the demo party, and let’s get this shit knocked the fuck down,” Micro said, slamming a hand on the desk in his excitement, making me jump.
“Shit, sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, and Harley growled under his breath.
“No, it’s not okay, you all had one job. Don’t fucking startle my old lady.”
“Speaking of old ladies, when are you guys getting inked? I’m still waiting for Has-Been to come here and tat me, and make Jay mine for good.”
“I am NOT having a tattoo that calls me your fucking property, Grease!”
I blinked slowly, sluggishly, as their words permeated my senses, and I realised what they were saying. Tattoos. Tattoos were a part of being an old lady?Oh. My. God.
“Caroline? Hey, baby, look at me. It’s okay, you don’t have to have one if you don’t want to.”
“I mean, it’s kinda mandatory though,” Grease argued, and then something slammed again, and I jumped once more.
“Ow fuck, Jay! You nearly broke my finger!”
I squeezed my eyes closed as the noise level rose in the room, making me feel penned in, trapped, constricted. Tattoos. Mandatory. If I didn’t get the tattoo, I couldn’t be Harley’s. How did I not know this before?
“Can you fuckers shut it?” Micro suddenly snapped, lurching up from his seat, and almost manhandling Grease out of the room, closely followed by Jay, who was still snapping at him.
“I’m sorry, you guys. This feels like a chat you two have to have privately, but hear me on this. Yes, tattoos have always been a part of the old lady ceremony, but I’m hardly likely to not recognise your union if that doesn’t happen. Family doesn’t treat each other like that.” Micro disappeared out of the room, and Harley dragged my chair round, so his knees sat either side of mine, encasing me in a bubble of warmth and safety.
“Caroline, baby, you know I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. I know you love me either way.”
He cupped my cheeks and waited until my eyes regained their focus, landing on his solemn gaze.
“All I want is you, however you want me, and if ink isn’t something you want, then it doesn’t happen,” he frowned briefly, “scratch that, I’d still get the tat calling you mine. I feel like I’ve needed that on my skin ever since we started to get closer. Like an itch under the skin telling me that your name belongs on me. It doesn’t mean there’s any pressure for you to do the same.”
“But… but how can I be your old lady when I’m such a coward that I’m even afraid of a tattoo?”
Harley smiled, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. “You know what? You’d look sexy as fuck with my tattoo on your sweet skin, claiming you as mine so every fucker knows it, but I’d never want you to feel forced into something like that. Tattoos are a lifelong decision, and someone who struggles with being touched is always going to find it damn near impossible.”
My eyes lowered, and I sighed. “I want to be brave, but every time I feel like I’m stepping up, and being like everyone else, being a grown up, something else comes up that makes me realise I’m still just a kid playing pretend.”
“Definitely not a kid,” Harley whispered, kissing the tip of my nose, “definitely a grown up. Definitely mine. Definitely braver than you realise. With or without my ink, you’ll still be my old lady, baby.”
He dragged me out of my chair, so I straddled his lap, and practically crushed me against his chest, but his words kept going around and around in my head. Brave? That was the last thing I was, because I couldn’t even sit in a room without jumping at a loud sound, or going into a panic spiral over a simple concept like a tattoo. How could I even be an old lady without a tattoo?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
CAROLINE GOING TO VISIT her mum, not long after our gathering at the club, and that revelation I hadn’t broached with her yet, was a bad sign, I could feel it. I had to stick around to meet with Henley, and show him around, introduce him to Micro and a few of the others, so we could see if he’d be a good fit for us, and vice versa, but watching her leave was eating at me. We’d both come here on my wheels, so a prospect had taken her back home, so she could ride from there, but I wished I’d been able to take her myself.
I felt like there was a fucking chasm opening up between us, and I hated it. Was she that afraid of a tattoo, or was it more about the commitment it would represent? I wouldn’t hesitate to wear her name on me, but maybe that wasn’t what she wanted long term. My name on her skin would be a pretty long term investment, and maybe that wasn’t what she was willing to sign up for, after all. Maybe she was already starting to realise she could do better than me. I was hardly a catch, right?
