Paler. She was definitely fucking paler now. “Old ladies as in… as in women connected to bikers. As in their girlfriends and wives.”
I nodded, giving her a moment to process everything, because rushing her now wouldn’t be fair to her. It was a lot to take in, and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest as I watched her, because I didn’t want this to be something that drove her away from me. I didn’t want fear to push us apart before we even got together properly. Finally, I spoke softly to her.
“Caroline, you’re safe, baby. We’re all safe. This was a thing that happened, but we’re patched over now, and it’s a good club. Good people. All good people, I promise.”
She forced a deep breath, and fixed those warm brown eyes on me.
“What’s a patchover?”
Good. She was moving onto details. Details were easier for her to handle, than actual events, than actual people hurting other people.
I took her hand again and squeezed it.
“It’s what they call it when a biker club is taken over by another, and becomes a new chapter of that club. Our cuts, with the patches on? The big patch on the back? That’s our colours. That’s what we’re honouring by wearing these. When we were patched over, we shed our old cuts, our old colours, and we wear these now instead. Phoenix MC. A new club rising from the ashes of the old club. The bad club. Do you see?”
I watched her processing again, almost feeling her emotions as they evolved, and the colour seeped into her skin again, warding off that wan shade that had me wanting to sit her down until she looked herself again.
“So itwasa bad club, but now it’s good… and that’s all over now. No more attacks from old members?”
I hoped I was about to tell her a truth here, and not a lie.
“Absolutely,” I said firmly, “the culprits won’t be back, and the members who are left are happy here. We weren’t happy with the old club, but it was all we had. Now we have a better home. Trust me, there wouldn’t be a baby onsite if it wasn’t safe.”
She nodded resolutely, taking a step forward, encouraging me to move with her.
“Okay. I understand. So you want to knock down all of these buildings and start again? So this site literally rises from the ashes too?”
I couldn’t have put it better myself.
Caroline
IT WAS A PRETTY intimidating place, so I was really relieved to be seeing it for the first time without the other club members around. The two men on the gate, who Harley merely addressed as ‘prospect’ as if they didn’t have actual names, seemed okay, and meeting Cammy actually helped a little. Harley made good sense. Who’d bring their child to this place if it wasn’t safe? Surely if these clubs were so bad, and dangerous, good parents would keep their children away.
I couldn’t imagine being raised in a bad club, with all the violence and cruelty I was imagining could happen to a child. Just hearing a little about the Halloween party had freaked me out, but I just kept going back to the fact that there was a baby here, so it had to be safe.
“This is where the guys stay over, and that over there is ‘Church’, like I said. We don’t go in there unless there’s a meeting, and generally that’s during the day.”
“Do you stay over here? I mean, we’ve been to my place a few times, but I hadn’t considered that maybe you just live here.”
Harley looked thoughtful for a moment, like the answer was more complex than even he’d realised, and he sighed, turning to look at the lodgings building again.
“I don’t live here, but that was my plan. Sell my flat, and move here, bring as much of my business here as possible, and make this my life. The club is everything to me,” he hesitated, turning back to look at me, his conflict evident on his features, “but now… now you’re everything to me, and I’m trying to work out how I can balance the club, the family I’ve always needed, with the incredible woman I’m in love with. Knowing you might neverbe able to hang here is… difficult. I really want you to know these guys like I do. Meet all the old ladies, and maybe start to feel like this is home for you too.”
He clearly saw the panic on my face, because he rested his hands on my shoulders, two patches of comforting warmth in a place that was getting colder by the hour. The stars appearing in the sky made one thing clear. A frost was coming tonight.
“I’m never going to push you into something you don’t want, or are uncomfortable with, Caroline. If you never feel safe here, or can never come here, I’ll find a way to work the club around you, because you’ll be my priority. I’ll keep my flat, or we’ll make a home somewhere together, and I’ll just be a VP who goes home each night, just like I often do now.”
I felt like he kept giving up things he wanted for me. Kept giving me what made me feel safe and at peace, regardless of what it meant he missed out on. I couldn’t be the reason he kept giving up things he loved. He’d grow tired of me, and he should. He should find me frustrating, and feel like I’m derailing his life, because that’s what I’d do. I wouldn’t mean to, but I wouldn’t be able to help it. I’d leave him feeling like he always had to choose, and that wasn’t fair on him.
A lump rose in my throat, as I saw everything I thought I could have disappearing, right before my eyes, and I didn’t want to lose it. Didn’t want to lose him. Specifically him. Couldn’t I just be brave for once, and face my fears for him?
“Caroline, baby, whatever you’re doing to yourself in that head, just remember, I want you, exactly as you are. I don’t want to try and change you, or make you fit in a box that you don’t deserve to be constrained by. I will always work around your needs and wants. Your comforts. This is what we do. We fall in love, and we adapt to work our lives around the ones we value most. You’re not stopping me from doing anything. I can see you beating yourself up, so please stop.”
I swallowed hard, glancing back at the lodgings building, needing some distance from the hard truths which might be just around the corner for us. The thought that this might have to be temporary, because I couldn’t give him what he needed or deserved. That it wasn’t just about me, but about him, and all the things he should have in his life too.
“I…”
“I do have a room I stay in sometimes when I’m here late, and don’t want to ride back home. Why don’t I show you? It’ll help with the planning of the new site.”
