ANSWERING THE DOOR TO the pizza guy, while trying to hide the fact that I was hard, was a real struggle, but eating had to be our priority right now. In fact, stopping right now, before anything more could happen, was probably a good thing. She needed time to absorb what we’d done already, and for us to deal with any issues that arose from it.
I hadn’t expected she’d manage more than a few little pecks and brushes of lips, but she’d wanted more, and she’d pushed for it. I was more than willing to be the one getting pushed into things, if it meant she could explore her needs safely.
“More pizza?” She asked softly, after we’d devoured several pieces of meaty cheesy deliciousness. She looked relaxed, well fed, in that post-pizza euphoria I found myself in too. I shook my head, and she closed the box on the last few pieces.
“You doing okay?”
She sipped at the glass of water she’d opted for with dinner.
“About the kissing?”
“Yeah.” Hell yeah, about the kissing. I was doing my best not to push her, but if she had fears, I wanted to give her space to talk about them.
“I thought it’d be gross,” she said quietly, rolling her eyes at herself as I pouted.
“Gee, thanks.”
“You know what I mean. I’m… I have all kind of issues, and I’m picky about what goes in my mouth. I never thought a man’s tongue would feel so good.”
I winked at her. “Plenty of amazing things I can do with my tongue. Just putting that out there.”
She giggled, sipping more water. “I feel so safe with you. I feel like I can tell you anything, and you’ll understand, or at least do your best to try. I’ve… I’ve never had that with anyone except my mum. Well, and my cousin V, but she’s… she moved away, but she’s coming home. Bad divorce. Anyway, I feel like you’re meant to be in my space, is that weird?”
Fuck no. It was exactly how I felt.
“I think that’s a perfect way to put it. I really enjoyed kissing you, Caroline. I’m proud of being the man you trusted to do that.”
Her eyes darted away in that familiar way, the way she dodged me when she was about to say something she wasn’t entirely comfortable admitting.
“It made me want more.” Those were not the words I’d expected, and I wasn’t sure what to do with them for a moment. Agreeing that I wanted that seemed like it’d be extra pressure she didn’t need, but not saying it felt like lying to her.
“You’re not alone in that desire, Caroline. When you’re ready, I’ll be your willing victim.”
She took a deep breath. “Sex?”
Whoa. I caught her hand as she lifted her glass once more. She was hiding behind it each time, and now wasn’t the momentfor that. She needed to consider what she was saying, because a lesser man than me would take advantage.
“Caroline, look at me. When you want sex, I’d love to be the man you trust for that, but don’t rush into things.”
“I’m twenty-seven, Harley. I’m hardly rushing. You’re the first man I’ve felt this at ease with-”
“Which is amazing, but that doesn’t mean you have to jump straight to sex, just because I make you feel safe.”
She practically fucking pouted, and this was all out of character for her, or at least for the woman I’d grown to know over the months we’d been building a friendship, and now maybe more.
“People have one night stands all the time, Harley. They get off, and they don’t know each other.” I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, because suddenly I felt exactly like women would say they feel in the reverse of this situation. Cheap? Used? I had no idea, but it hurt.
“You’re saying that’s all you want from me? Like a one night, scratching an itch kinda thing? I thought we… Jesus, listen to me. I’ll be your toy if that’s what you want. I’ll let you scratch all your itches on me, but you need to understand that this… that’s not what this is about for me. I like you. The person. Who you are inside.”
I sounded like a pussy, but realising that maybe she wanted me as a fucking jungle gym to play on, until she had the courage for a better man, that fucking burned.
“Harley-”
I shrugged, feigning something casual when it was the last thing I was fucking feeling.
“I’m just a man with the right parts, I get it. You tell me what you want, and you’ll get it. Fuck buddies, isn’t that what they call it?”
She gasped, almost dropping the water she’d picked up yet again. I took it and put it behind me, which was petty, I’ll admit, but I’d just been reduced to a fucking friend with benefits. Maybe I could indulge petty for a moment.
