Because once they knew, they’d look at him differently. Not as the man who ran into a burning building. But as the reason the fire was lit in the first place.
So he smiled, knowing it didn’t touch his eyes, and said, “Thanks. Good luck with the move.”
He then slid into the Romeo, turned the key.
Freddie knocked on the glass by his head.
Jude rolled the window down. “Did I forget something?”
“No.” Freddie took a breath. “Why don’t you come out with us one night? Get a beer? No pub quiz. Just…us and a chat.”
Jude blinked the sudden wetness forming in his eyes and swallowed. The gesture was nice. It was. And he was grateful for it. But, fuck, if it didn’t sting.
“It’s not good to stay in all the time.” Freddie crouched to the window.
Jude took a breath. “No offense, Freddie, but if it’s all the same to you, I’m not really up for socialising with the first man I let myself think I could have something with after a really fucking long time—” he peered up in the wing mirror to where Nathan was putting away tools, “—and the man who took him from me.”
Freddie hung his head, gripping the door.
“I’m happy for you, Freddie. I am. You and Nate make a great couple. Nathan is solid and you deserve him. I see how happy you are. And I see the effect it’s had on Alfie and you have no idea how much it means to know Alfie has you both so he doesn’t stray to where we all thought he might. I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me. But getting over how I almost had you? That’ll take some time. Not that we would have worked, anyway. We probably wouldn’t. Not once you knew. But I liked to pretend for a while.” He tilted his head to show no malice. “Don’t worry, I’ve survived worse.Muchworse. Worse than a silly break up with someone who barely got past the doorstep and a fire that didn’t kill me. I’ll get over this. Just…let me not be okay about it all for a while, yeah?”
Freddie said nothing. What could he say? So he nodded.
And Jude smiled. And whilst he hated himself for putting that wedge there between someone he’d believed he could have a friendship with, it was necessary. To stop any more prying. The last thing he needed was Freddie to find out about his past.
So he drove.
Not home. Around town, out along the coastal road, until he found himself under a canopy of trees near the beach. He killedthe engine. Sat there, staring at the dark stretch of sea, the hiss of waves carrying through the cracked window. The worst kind of torture.
Close enough to touch, but too far to reach.
Like everything he wanted.
Including Warren.
Chapter fifteen
Dilemma
Warren sat at the kitchen table in the safe house, staring at the wall.
His thinking spot. Cooling-off corner.
He’d been there far too long. The room was black but for the sodium glow leaking through the blinds. He should be asleep. Or better, he should’ve already called it in. Passed his handler the intel on Callum Reid. Added everything he’d picked up about Jude. That should’ve been hours ago.
Instead, he sat here with his jaw locked, head a churn of heat and static, trying not to picture himself marching back to Jude’s place, putting Callum Reid through the floor, and kissing Jude like he meant it.
Christ. He shut his eyes.
He was fucked.
He’d thought he’d blown it on his last job. Got benched for months after going off script, chained to a desk sifting fraud reports he barely understood had been his penance. Then came the official slap on the wrist and whispered warnings about “protocol.”
But this… This was worse.
Because there werefeelingshere.
Not just sympathy, or the human urge to get an innocent out of harm’s way. He had a stake in this one. A personal horse in the race. The thing every training manual and every briefing told him not to have. And the answer to whether he could act on it? The right answer? The professional answer? Well, that was simple: no.
