He deflated with a sigh. “No, she was in nothing but a diaper, wrapped in a towel.” I didn’t like the sounds of that. It implied that her parent had probably given birth on their own.
Jerry watched, gnawing on his lower lip, as I checked her over. She was dehydrated, a little jaundiced, but she certainly had a good set of lungs on her. That was a very good sign. All her scores came back okay.
“I brought the bottle,” he said, pulling it out of the diaper bag. “Do you want to…” He trailed off, holding it out to me.
Cradling her in one arm set off every single parental instinct I had—to protect and care for her. When I set the bottle to her lips, she attacked it ravenously, but I could see what he meant. While her lips moved as though she were suckling, the level of the formula wasn’t going down. I couldn’t hear her swallowing at all.
“Let me try something,” I said, passing the bottle back. Then, I set one gloved finger to her mouth, and when she tried to suck on my finger, I felt no suction. I frowned, huffing a sigh as I wentthrough my medical knowledge in my head. I had a suspicion of what this was. I felt along the roof of her mouth, and sure enough, there was something there…
Setting Ladybug on the exam table, I took out a penlight. She made it easy to take a look inside her mouth when she tilted her head back and cried, long and loud. The poor girl was hungry, and I couldn’t blame her. “Uh-huh, would you look at that,” I said. I gestured for Jerry to take a peek too, and he crouched down into my space, filling my senses with his rich, warm scent.
“What is that?” he asked, frowning.
I cleared my throat and stepped back from him. I could still feel the heat of him, his commanding presence like gravity, tugging me in. It made my heart race, but I couldn’t let it show. I smiled gently as I delivered the news, letting him know it wasn’t too serious. “She has a cleft palate.”
His face contorts with grief. “I had no idea…”
I rushed to assure him, “It’s not your fault. It’s easy to miss since it’s right at the back of her mouth. In most cases, it’s accompanied by a cleft lip as well, but not always. There are different reasons for why this happened, physiological and also genetic.”
A crease formed between his eyebrows, every one of his muscles tense with concern. “Do I need to take her to the hospital?”
“No, she should be okay. It’ll mean surgery in her future, but not until she’s older. The only thing we need to worry about right now is how it affects her feeding. She can’t get any suction on the bottle. Just give me a moment. I think I should have some supplies here for you to take home.” We tended to collect a lot of free samples from different health agency reps, and sure enough, on the top shelf in my office, I found what I was looking for.
When I came back to the exam room, my feet stalled in the doorway. Jerry was cradling this sweet girl to his chest like hewas born to do it, singing her a familiar lullaby, something that echoed from my childhood. She was still crying, but his deep voice seemed to take the edge off her rage. I took a shuddery breath. The way this large man was so gentle with her did something to me, almost knocking me back a step.
I closed my eyes in a long blink, dragging my professional doctor persona back on, but it didn’t seem to fit as well, leaving parts of me exposed. “Here you are,” I said, smiling shakily. “These are some special bottles. They have soft sides, so you can squeeze the formula into her mouth for her.” I set the box down on the desk and pulled one out to show him. “Did you want to give it a try?”
Jerry settled into the chair with Ladybug while I opened a fresh bottle of formula. “Now squeeze it gently, not too fast,” I instructed him. “She’ll probably swallow more air than you’re used to, so burp her frequently. And don’t be worried if any comes out her nose. That’s totally normal and won’t hurt her.”
It was obvious when she finally got her first mouthful, guzzling with noisy swallows, and I watched as the tension leached from Jerry’s shoulders. He sighed, then let out a little laugh, and when he looked up at me with such gratitude, there were tears beading on his lashes. “Thank you. You have no idea how much I…” He closed his eyes and shook his head, sending a tear scrolling down his cheek, and he tried to wipe it off on his shoulder without letting go of the bottle.
Now my eyes were stinging a little too. “Of course. Just doing my job,” I said, and while that was true, it felt like so much more. “Why don’t you two hang out here for a bit. Get her fed, changed. Take your time. I’ll take care of some other patients and come back to check on you in a bit.”
Jerry nodded, his eyes red-rimmed, but he was still smiling, and I forced myself to walk away. I tended to a couple other patients—a sprained wrist, a follow-up on a new medication—but it felt like I wasn’t fully present. My heart felt heavier in my chest as it beat slowly, and I found my eyes kept wandering toward the door, wondering how they were doing.
After half an hour had passed, I allowed myself to drift back toward exam room one and knocked softly on the door. It was totally quiet. When I eased the door open, I found Jerry with Ladybug on his shoulder, a burp cloth draped under her chin. She was entirely limp, fast asleep.
Jerry’s smile was tired but content. “She finished the bottle and crashed right away,” he whispered, though I doubted anything would wake her up right now.
I sat down in the chair next to him and ran my finger over the tiny hand where it dangled over his biceps. “What will happen to her?” I asked, my throat feeling tight. I told myself it didn’t concern me, that she would end up exactly where she needed to be in order to get the care she needed, but I held my breath, waiting for the answer.
Jerry shrugged stiffly. “I’ll call it in to CPS, but I don’t see why they won’t let her stay with me, at least for a little while. It’s just…” He trailed off, lips pursed.
“Her parent?” I asked, and he nodded.
“Something doesn’t feel right about this whole thing. She wasn’t just abandoned. I don’t live in the city, so it feels almost like they picked me… you know? Like it wasn’t an accident. And what if they come back for her, but it’s too late and she’s already moved on? What if they’re out there and they need help too?”
We sat in silence for a moment, just listening to her breathe. When I shifted, our shoulders brushed, and it sent a frisson of tingles through me. Was it just me or was there a hitch in Jerry’s breathing? He seemed to lean into the contact. I wasn’t great at reading signals, especially when I was sleep-deprived, and I didn’t want to imagine something into being. I’d been wrong about the man at the hotel this morning. Maybe I was just lonely.
I sighed and stood up, trying to clear my thoughts from this fog. “I’d better get back to work. Don’t feel like you have to rush out, though. Take all the time you need, and why don’t you book her for another appointment for next week so we can check on her progress.”
“I would really appreciate that, thank you,” he said genuinely. “It would be nice to see you again, Doctor Zappek.”
“Please, call me Lazlo. You’re not my patient, after all.” I chuckled awkwardly, and I could’ve sworn I saw something that looked like yearning in his gaze as he watched me, his eyes meandering down my body in a casual perusal that felt far from innocent. It seemed to take effort for him to look away.
Nerves gnawed at my gut as I toed a line I should never cross. I repeated to myself that Jerry wasn’t my patient, that there was no ring on that finger. We were two single men with nothing standing in our way, if I wasn’t misreading this chemistry between us. There was no harm inlooking, at least.Wantinga man was something else entirely from making a move.
And yet, no matter how much I vowed to keep this professional, I still found myself saying, “You know, I could come by your place to check on her later… if you wanted.” I didn’t do house calls, but I couldn’t seem to help offering to for this sweet, selfless man.
