Jerry and Sam looked at each other and then agreed. “Sounds perfect. Any objections?” Jerry asked me.
I chuckled, my eyes briefly straying over to Mia, her gray-blue eyes blinking up at the mobile of stars dangling over her head. “You guys know this isn’t going to be my actual name, right? It doesn’t matter what I think.” Though now that I thought about it, why not take on a new identity? There was nothing in my old life worth keeping. Maybe I could just… start over, just me and Mia.
She hardly seemed real, even though she was right here. When I thought back to her delivery, it was like looking through thick fog. I’d been resolved that I had to give my daughter up, so I hadn’t let myself truly think of her as mine. I would do anything for her—and now that she was here beside me, I was having a hard time believing that she was a piece of me. I wanted so very badly to be allowed to keep her, but I couldn’t imagine a time when that would be safe. So even though I wanted very much to reach for her, to count her fingers and toes, to kiss her belly, I forced myself to turn away.
As soon as Sam had packed up all the scraps from his art project, Lazlo and Jerry brought out a chicken stir fry, with pineapple and cashews, and a huge bowl of coconut rice. My stomach growled like I hadn’t eaten in days, which… probably wasn’t too far from the truth.
“Here, guests get served first,” Jerry said from my left, scooping a huge spoonful of rice onto my plate.
And even though they’d said Lazlo didn’t live here, the doctor leaned over from my right and spooned some stir fry on top. “Eat as much as you’d like. Your body’s been through a lot.”
I nodded, unable to argue. Iwashungry, and my bodyhadbeen through a lot, between pregnancy, childbirth, and then the postpartum infection. And that wasn’t including everything that happened over the past three years.
Dinner erupted around me in a swell of noise, and I instinctively flinched. Everyone was grabbing food and drinks, talking about their days. There was so much laughter, and little by little, I let myself begin to relax. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been around a table like this, everyone eating and talking. No anger, no fear. This was what a family was supposed to be. Loud, messy, imperfect. Happy.
I ate far past being full, my stomach fit to burst. They kept feeding me like I was their pet project. Even Sam kept asking if I’d had enough. “Please, no more,” I whined with a laugh, holding my stomach. “You’re going to make me sick.”
“I guess I’ll just have to eat this last bite of brownie myself then…” Jerry teased, waving the fork in front of my face.
In a last moment of gluttony, I leaned forward and inhaled the bite into my mouth, groaning in both ecstasy and the best kind of pain.
“Good boy,” he said in praise, aiming that satisfied smile my way, and the words brought a shocked heat to my face. Was I his good boy?
When Mia started fussing beside me, my chest tingled with a letdown of milk, and I pressed a hand into my pec, wincing. Every instinct told me that she needed my milk, but I couldn’t bring myself to reach for her. I hunched in my chair, embarrassed by the damp fabric spreading over my chest.
Jer quietly told Sammy that he could go play some video games before bed. It was the weekend, after all. Lazlo pushed back from the table and took a stack of dishes to the kitchen. Should I have offered to do that? Why else would they want me here? When Jer came back with a bottle of formula, it only seemed to make everything worse. The guilt, the longing, the physical need I felt… It all pressed down on me until I thought I might shatter.
I bit down hard on my lip as I watched Lazlo unbuckle Mia. Who were these men who’d stepped in to take care of my daughter, while I just sat here, useless and afraid?
“Can I…” The words were choked off before I could complete the sentence. I just wanted to hold my daughter. Had I given up my right to her by leaving her on Jerry’s doorstep? Would she ever forgive me, or would she grow up knowing I hadn’t fought for her? That I hadn’t done enough.
I’d cried so much over the past few days, but it seemed I wasn’t done yet. My eyes overflowed, and I wrapped my arms around myself to hold everything together. I felt like I was falling apart, and now that I’d let the tears start, I wasn’t sure I would ever stop.
“Hey, you’re okay.” Two sets of arms reached out for me, tentative, but I surprised everyone, me included, by throwing myself into them. In my heart of hearts, I just wanted someone to take care of me. There was no doubt they were nothing like Victor, and as careful as I told myself to be, the first bonds of trust had already begun to form.
Their voices soothed me, told me I would be okay, their warmth and their hands rubbing circles on my back, and gods help me, Ibelievedthem. It felt dangerous, when everything could explode in my face without warning, but I needed that hope like the air I breathed.
When my sobs had finally calmed down, I heard Mia’s fussing starting to get a little louder, frustrated that no one had listened to her call for food. Lazlo pulled back to look down at me. “You want to feed Mia?” he asked, and I nodded, wiping my cheeks dry. “Okay, let’s get you somewhere comfy.”
When I tried to stand, though, the stitches pulled. I whimpered in pain, and suddenly Jerry was there, sweeping me into his arms like I weighed nothing. I gasped, clinging to his shoulders. “Wait! No, I’m too heavy!”
He scoffed. “Not even close. Lazlo could climb on for a piggyback at the same time and it would still be fine.”
Lazlo laughed from behind us as we climbed the stairs. “I’m going to make you prove that one day.”
Jerry smirked crookedly. “I’ll be looking forward to it.”
They brought me into my room, and Jerry laid me down on the bed, propped up on a few pillows. Lazlo set Mia gently in my arms, her weight so familiar, even though I’d barely had the chance to get to know her yet. Almost immediately, she began to root around at my chest like she could smell the milk there.
“Oh, honey, I wish I could feed you like that.” The memory of trying to feed her and failing was still tender, like a bruise that hadn’t healed. I looked up at Lazlo. “The cleft… Did I… do something wrong, to cause it? Is it my fault?”
Lazlo sank onto the edge of the bed beside me, and when he reached for my hand, I held on tight. “Of course not. Sometimes these things just happen. And look at her… she’s perfect.”
I smiled down at her. She was pretty perfect.
Jerry sat down on the end of the bed and set a hand on my foot, and that small point of contact kept me grounded. “You know, I have a chest pump in the closet. It turned up in the supplies from CPS with one of my fosters by accident, and I just never got around to returning it. If you wanted to try, we could add your milk to one of her bottles. Even a small amount, it all helps.”
“Yeah… okay.” I sniffled, that spark of hope growing into a tiny flame.
