“Because no woman would want to be naked with me. It’s unnatural.”
She sat upright and inclined her head, which led to two things happening at once: strands of her hair rolled down her back, and the upper part of her body became exposed to him. Seraphina heard him take a sharp breath. He dropped the washcloth, which sank with a splash, and drew his hand away. She could’ve covered her breasts with her hands, but she chose not to.
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
“I’m not...” He swallowed, as if his throat were dry. “I’m not someone people want to be close to. Especially women.”
“I want to be close to you, Rune. We’ve been close for a while now, and I don’t believe I ever let you think that it disturbed me. I admit it was different at first, when they put me in your cell, but that was because I didn’t know you. Now I do.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I know you, Rune.”
He shook his head and let it hang low. Seraphina couldn’t feel his eyes on her anymore. He was probably staring at his hands in his lap. Those hands that she wanted to feel on her skin more than anything. The desire had been like a low thrum vibratingthrough her flesh before, but it was starting to develop into something burning and unbearable.
“No–” he started, but she interrupted him.
“You told me what you see when you look at me. I can’t look at you, I can’t see you, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know you. And I know that...” She paused to gather her thoughts. “I know that something bad happened to you and it made you doubt yourself. I know that people called you a creature and said that you were ugly, and you believed them. I know that you don’t function well in the world, and you think you’re undeserving because of it, but you’re not. None of it is true. Not what they called you, not what they said about you, none of it.”
“What is true, then?” He sounded defeated, as if he didn’t expect a positive answer, and if the answer was positive, he was ready to dismiss it.
Seraphina turned to him and gripped the edges of the tub. His shadow was hunched over, and he wasn’t looking at her. He wasn’t even aware her chest was facing him now, her round, firm breasts bare and dripping, her nipples hard peaks.
“You’re a gentle soul who was forced into this terrible world, that is true. I was forced, too. I didn’t ask to be born, did I? Now I understand why you said I’m your mirror. You’re my mirror, too. We’re the same, Rune. They ruined us, humiliated us, then threw us away like trash, and told us we’re filthy and despicable, and we deserved it. They told us we’re ugly, but we’re not.”
She was panting now, the words spilling out of her, and she realized she was telling him all this, but she was telling herself, too, trying to convince herself for the hundredth time that her disfiguration didn’t change who she was inside. And the lack of eyes didn’t make the rest of her body less desirable. She was young, smooth and firm everywhere, and she wanted to be touched. She hadn’t wanted it in a long time, and she’d thoughtshe’d never heal – maybe she hadn’t – but now she’d met him, she knew him, and she wanted to be touched again.
“You’re not ugly, Seraphina. But I am. You just can’t see it, and that’s a small mercy God has granted me.”
She laughed. “Do you really believe in God?”
He huffed and said, “I’m not sure”. And then he lifted his head and looked up at her, and Seraphina felt his eyes burn into her skin. Down the length of her throat, over her clavicle, until he found the swell of her breasts, and he let out a strangled cry. He scrambled to his feet, hit the three-legged stool in the process, and hurried to disappear on the other side of the screen.
“I’m sorry,” he panted. “I’m sorry.”
She heard him knock into the table, then the scrape of the chair against the floor told her he’d resumed his position in the corner. She was dumbfounded. She didn’t know how to react, or what to say or think, for that matter. The man had gotten a glimpse of her breasts and made a run for it.
As she sank back into the water, she realized she felt hurt. She’d bared her soul and chest to him, and he preferred to stare at a wall. Her hand found the washcloth at the bottom of the tub, and she proceeded to wash herself quickly. To wash her hair, she removed the scarf first and draped it over the edge. She scrubbed at her roots thoroughly, allowing herself to enjoy feeling her hair clean for the first time in too many weeks.
She washed her face and gently prodded her empty eye sockets with her fingers. The skin was tender, as usual, but it had healed perfectly, in great part due to the relic. Before implanting Saint Vivia’s bone, she used to get small tears and infections. The sisters had done their best to clean her wounds and help the tissue grow, but her eyes had oozed pus and tears for months after. Once the saint’s bone had been implanted, that all stopped. It was well known that implanted relics strengthened the body and prevented illness. Given the prison conditions andhow she’d had to live on the streets of Ingolstadt, in the cold and damp, Seraphina should’ve become sick many times over. Her healthy, balanced humors were due to the relic.
She got out of the tub and dried herself off with a towel, then slipped into her cotton shift. The scarf went back around her face, the strip from Rune’s shirt back around her wrist, and she padded into the bedroom, barefoot and with her long, blond hair hanging heavy down to her waist.
“The water is still warm,” she told him. “It’s your turn.”
Rune turned to her, nodded, then got up and went behind the screen. He didn’t even linger on her, as if he couldn’t look at her anymore. She considered his reaction for a moment, trying to determine if it was because of her or because of him. He’d told her that she wasn’t ugly. But that didn’t mean he found her beautiful.
Seraphina heard the splash of water as he lowered himself in the tub, and her hands closed into fists at her side. Should she try again? She felt mortified already. She wanted to be close to him, in the steam of the bath, her heart thundered for him, and her stomach ached for him, and...
“Do you want me to wash your back?” she asked because she couldn’t let this go, not yet.
“No.”
“I could–”
“No, Seraphina, please don’t come in here.”
She groaned and felt the most wretched woman alive. To be refused like that by a man... She stomped over to the bed and slipped under the blanket, claiming the spot near the wall. She made herself small, trying to occupy as little space as possible. Her attempts to fall asleep were futile. No matter how hard she tried to focus on the crackling sound of the dying embers, the only thing she could hear was Rune washing himself, watersplashing then dripping off him as he got up and stood like that for a minute before he got out of the tub and dried himself.
