Was he talking about hookups? “It's a different kind of affection. Yeah, some people don't mind hugging, cuddling, or kissing, but it still felt empty, or, at least to me, it did because I knew that it would end the next morning.” I paused. “I think every human being in the world wants love.”
Then I remembered our conversation in the Union House. The way Leo’s eyes had skittered away.It's complicated.
“Do you want that?” I asked.
He hummed noncommittally. “I think I’d mess it up. Most people get to practice in high school, but I didn’t.”
“Practicing dating?” I asked.
“Any of it. Dating, intimacy, dealing with how embarrassing all of it is. It freaks me out.”
“You didn't seem scared today,” I pointed out.
“That's because it was you, Winnie,” he murmured. “I’m not stressed when I’m with you because you make me feel like I’m okay at this kind of stuff. It’s easy with you.”
“It’s easy for me, too,” I said. “It’s always easy with the person you like.”
He didn’t reply but ducked his head the way he always did when he was shy and started massaging my other foot.
“In the past,” I began. I couldn’t help my curiosity. “There must’ve been people you wanted.”
“Of course,” he replied. “I’d just convince myself otherwise, and the fear would be way more powerful than the wanting. Maybe I would have gone along with it if someone had made a move like you did on our first date.”
We were referring to it as a first date now, were we?
“In my experience, normal people wouldn't be okay with someone just ‘going along with it,’” I said. “And people have made first moves. You told me about that girl who tried to kiss you.”
He was quiet for a minute. “When I say ‘go along with it’, I don’t mean unwillingly. I meant that I prefer someone else to take the lead.”
He was very obedient in bed, but I stopped myself from saying that. I already knew that it would make him flush, and I didn’t want him to feel insecure about it because I loved it.
“You have taken the lead before, though. You asked me to get HSPs.”
“As friends,” Leo said.
“Well, what about today, when you showed up at my door?”
“Like I said, I was jealous.”
Neither of us spoke for a few minutes as Leo massaged my foot with single-minded focus. It wasn’t sexual. More…loving. I was about to break the silence when my phone started ringing.
"It’s my mum,” I said, reading the caller ID.
“Do you need me to…” Leo made a loose gesture. I think he was asking whether I needed privacy, but there was nowhere to hide in my tiny studio, and besides, I didn’t mind.
I waved my hand, letting him know he could stay where he was, and then answered the phone. “Hi, Mum,” I said.
“Eunwoo-yah, what are you doing?” she asked in Korean. As usual, she was speaking right into the microphone, so I had to jerk my head back to prevent myself from being deafened.
“Nothing,” I replied in English. While I could understand Korean, I was terrible at speaking the language. Whenever I was forced to speak Korean, like when I visited relatives, my sentences were broken and I felt like a toddler, so now I almost always spoke English to my parents. “I’m just watching TV.”
“Why aren’t you studying?” Mum asked.
“Mum, it’s almost 9.”
“So?”
“So it’s relaxing time.”
