“I hope this isn’t a bad time. I just wanted to give you something.” He thrusts the envelope at me.
I take it and slide my thumb under the flap to open it when Aaron says, “Open it later. After I’m gone. It’s not anything bad, I promise. Just a…a little present.”
I feel my cheeks colour. “Oh,” I say.
Behind me, Mum’s footsteps approach and recede as she disappears into her bedroom. I shift. “Do you want to talk in my room?” I ask.
He nods, and once I lead him into my bedroom, I see it with fresh eyes. My bed’s unmade, my dirty clothes have been left on the carpet, and there’s a whole pile of tissues on my bedside table, which would be embarrassing enough if they were used for jerking off, but I used them to wipe my tears.
“Um. Usually, my room’s way cleaner,” I say.
“Don’t worry about it.”
I place the envelope on my desk and sit in my desk chair, which I regret because it means the only place for Aaron to sit is on the edge of my bed. This is literally the worst time to have gutter thoughts, but I can’t help remembering all the things we’ve done and wondering how it would be different to be on an actual bed and see his face —
I clear my throat. “I wasn’t expecting you to visit. How did you find my address?”
“I called the school and said I’d picked up your phone at a party,” Aaron says.
“And they just told you where I live?”
He shrugs. “The school knows who I am. I hope you don’t think I’m a creep coming to your house.”
“I don’t think you’re a creep,” I say.
“That’s good.” His laugh is gentle and uncertain. “Uh, so. I wanted to come and apologise. And we don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready. Or if you never want to talk about it. That’s cool, too. I don’t want to make things worse.”
I look at him. His hair is slightly dishevelled — the way it usually looks at school compared to how neat it was at the party. There’s a greyish tinge to the bags under his eyes.
If I ever imagined Aaron would show up at my house, I would’ve thought I’d yell at him. Maybe throw a pillow in his face. But now, seeing him right in front of me…
“I’m okay with talking,” I say.
He nods, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I went about things in the worst way and wish I could do it all over. And I know it’s not an excuse, but…I was afraid. I meant what I said on Friday night. I was scared that if you found out who I was, you’d be disgusted and regret everything we’d done —”
“Why would I feel disgusted?” I interrupt.
Aaron brings his hands up like it’s obvious. “You said it yourself, Jude. I’m unattractive.”
I briefly close my eyes. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Okay, maybe not, but I know how you see me. We talked at Mimi’s party, remember? You said I seemed like the type to watch footy, drink beer, and go to the gym, and it’s not like that offends me, but it’s such a surface-level stereotype. I promise this isn’t me picking a fight. Everyone makes assumptions. But…it was clear you thought I was simple and basic, so you can see why I thought you weren’t interested in me, Aaron, for either my personality or my looks.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I…I never bothered to get to know you or consider the idea that you’d have dreams, anxieties, and interests just like every other human being. I shouldn’t have made assumptions. I shouldn’t have written you off. I know you’re not the two-dimensional person I stupidly thought you were because we’ve talked, and I know there’s so much to you. I’m sorry for calling you unattractive. I didn’t mean it at all. All your friends were looking at me and I panicked. To be honest…” I trail off.
“What is it?” Aaron asks.
I’m going to make things awkward and I’ll make myself vulnerable, but I have to be honest. “I think you’re really good-looking,” I admit.
He blinks. Then lets out a nervous laugh. “I thought I repulsed you.”
“God, not at all. I noticed you were…” I gesture at him to convey the magnitude of his looks “…ages ago. Way before I knew you were R.”
“I thought you were good-looking too,” Aaron says softly. “And then I found out and…you must’ve caught me staring so many times.”
I think about it. “Not really. I probably figured it wasn’t for a good reason if you did.”
Aaron’s eyes trail down my body, but then he averts his gaze and his jaw twitches like he’s admonishing himself. “Anyway. I was afraid that once you found out I was R, you’d regret opening up to me the way you did. I was worried it might scar you and you wouldn’t do it again, and I don’t want that because I’m so grateful you trusted me enough to talk to me about all of those personal things. You listened to me talk about my stuff, too. That’s why I wanted to end things before you found out who I was.”
