“No reason. I’m just asking because you said you don’t like weekends. And I don’t want you to feel lonely or anything.” He’s speaking slower than usual. Maybe he’s a little tired after the orgasm.
“It’s not too bad. Genuinely.” I have work to keep me busy, and calling R has lifted my mood more than I thought possible.“I’m pretty used to how life is with my mum, and the knowledge that I’ll be able to move away soon keeps me going.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Everything will be better once I leave. I’ll be able to see my sister again.”
“What happened?”
I hesitate.
“Sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
I would be lying if I said Iwantto tell him. I don’t want him to know how dysfunctional my family is. I wish there were nothing to tell in the first place. But at the same time, I know I’ll feel better telling someone. And…I trust him.
“No, I’m happy to talk about it. But it’s a long story.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Well. My sister, Winona, has always been...more sensitive. Of course, if she heard me say that now, she’d elbow me and say her feelings are totally justified. But I remember her being sad a lot when we were younger. She’s one year older. When my parents divorced, I think she wished our dad had taken her with him. I don’t really remember the details about the divorce or the fighting before that. It happened a long time ago.
“The point is, Winona always fought with Mum. Mum would say Winona liked our dad better, and Winona said that Mum obviously favoured me, which wasn’t true. Our mum was never very affectionate. She treated us more like pupils rather than her children.
“When she was sixteen, Winona got into her first relationship with this boy Mum called a troublemaker. He was the type to vandalise stuff with his friends and go to parties, and he’d gotten detention a hundred times for vaping at school. Mum told Winona to break up with him, but Winona wouldn’t. They fought about it a lot. Full-on shouting matches. I genuinely didn’t understand what Winona saw in this guy at the time, and I stilldon’t. I think she just wanted someone — anyone — to show her attention.”
“Where was your dad?” R asks quietly.
“He’d started dating a woman at his work who had a daughter. Winona refused to visit Dad because she didn’t want to meet the new girlfriend or the potential future step-sister. It’s not like Dad tried very hard to keep in contact. He barely ever called me, and half the time, it would end with him complaining about my mum being crazy.”
“He’d say that?”
“Yeah, they always badmouthed each other in front of us. Part of me can understand that they were emotional and angry, etcetera, etcetera, but they should’ve handled the whole situation better. Anyway, Winona gets involved with this guy, becomes friends with all of his friends, and starts skipping school. Or sometimes, she’d show up late or leave halfway through the day. She’d also be involved in fights. Never actually fighting, but she’d be on the sidelines and would get called into Mu— into the principal’s office. One time, she and her friends were accused of shoplifting from a clothing store. They didn’t get charged, but every time something like that happened, Mum would get angrier and punish Winona, and Winona would get more rebellious. Mum would ground Winona, so Winona would sneak out and spend the night at her boyfriend’s while Mum drove around, trying to find her, freaking out. Mum confiscated Winona’s phone, and then Winona bought another. Mum would yell at Winona not to embarrass her.” Especially in front of her colleagues, but I can’t say that because I don’t want R to figure out my mum works at a school. “My mum has always been very conscious of how she looks in front of coworkers, parents, even our neighbours. She already felt embarrassed about separating from Dad, and in her view, Winona was humiliating her. Whichto be honest, she kind of was. Maybe that was part of her motivation.
“Everything came to a head when Winona came to school stoned one day. She had to be expelled. Mum was furious. They had the worst fight they’d ever had, and Mum said something like, “Get out of my house. I never want to see you again,” and Winona was like “Fine, I hate you anyway.” She didn’t say anything to me. She just went to her room, packed a bag full of stuff, and then left. That was last October. I haven’t seen her since.”
“Where did she go?”
“To her boyfriend’s, I think. After one night, my mum went to find her. Despite telling Winona to get out, she didn’t actually mean it. Or, she might have meant it in the moment, but she wasn’t as pissed anymore, so it was time for Winona to stop pretending she’d run away. Mum told me she was getting Winona and left the house. Several hours later, she came back and said Winona wasn’t coming back and to not talk about her. I was worried because she was eighteen at the time, but still. How was she going to live by herself?”
“Did she go to your dad’s?”
“I thought that. I called him, but he said he hadn’t seen her in months. I tried her phone number, but it didn’t work. I asked her friends, who didn’t tell me anything. After a month, I got a call from an unfamiliar number. It was Winona’s boyfriend’s phone. She told me Mum had taken her phone before she left and she was going to get a new one. She was staying with her boyfriend, and things would be fine. She just needed to get away from Mum. I asked about high school because she needed to finish Year 12, but she wasn’t concerned. She laughed it off and said she didn’t want to go to uni anyway and that she’d start working. I worried she was throwing her life away. Mum always emphasised school, and although I study a lot, Winona nevercared. Later, my mum found out that Winona called me and told me I wasn’t allowed to speak to her. From then on, she’d constantly check my phone to see if I was communicating with her. She deleted Winona’s boyfriend’s number as well.”
“So you listened to your mum?” he asks.
“Not at first. I tried contacting her through social media, but they were all inactive, and I didn’t receive any response. Maybe she’d been locked out because she didn’t have her old phone and couldn’t remember her passwords. I don’t know. Mum found out what I’d done, and I got in a lot of trouble.
“I don’t think that’s the only reason Mum checks on me so much, though. She’s never said it, but I think she’s afraid I will get caught up in something dodgy, and she needs to prevent it. And yeah, I know this whole story is depressing, but at the start of this year, I decided I wouldn’t waste any more energy feeling sad. All I need to do is graduate and move away. I can see Winona again. Part of me is mad at her for everything that happened, but most of me feels sad.”
“I’m so sorry all that happened.” R’s voice is gentle.
I try to go for nonchalance. “It’s not that bad.I’mnot the one who got kicked out.”
“No, it’s… I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but it’s a sucky thing that happened, and you don’t need to downplay it. I wish you could be happy now instead of waiting until you move out.”
“Well.” I take a deep, wavering breath. “You’re waiting for high school to finish, too, aren’t you?”
He’s quiet. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m doing the same thing, telling myself I can be free when I’m living in a big city. But right now, I’m realising that maybe I should stop living in the future.”
