He looks pained. “I don’t understand you. I don’t understand why you do this.”
“Do what?”
“That night, you let me take you home. You let me look after you.”
I don’t know what he’s going on about.
“You listened to me talk about my dad. You gave me your hoodie.”
Is he going to talk aboutthat? Now? “You asked for it,” I say.
“You kissed me while Senior and Juliet were in another room. You had sex with me and always made sure it was good for me.”
I can see where this conversation is going. He’s going to accuse me of breaking the agreement, of having feelings —
“I don’t understand how to can stand to have anything to do with me,” Jasper finishes.
I blink. “You’re the one who started this,” I say slowly. “You’rethe one who pursued me.”
“That’s not the point,” Jasper mutters.
“Then what is the point?” I ask loudly. “You’re talking in riddles and I have no idea what the hell you mean —”
“We’re not even friends. We don’t even like each other. It’s just sex, ” he says in a monotone voice. “Isn’t that right?”
My body feels as if it’s turned to ice. For a moment, the entire world goes silent. I take forever to respond, and I can’t force myself to lie and agree, not when I told him to tell me the truth. “I’m going to leave,” I say eventually.
“Yes. Good idea.” He looks away.
I walk through the garden alone, and then through the empty cold house. I push through the front door by myself, like I’ve done so many times before.
27
Jasper: Fin's Secret
After Kieran leaves, I sit in the garden for hours. The sun is out, and burns my skin, but I don’t care. If Juliet saw me, she’d yell at me to put on sunscreen. If my parents saw me, they’d yell at me to stop wasting time and do something productive.
I replay my conversation with Kieran over and over again. I shouldn’t have picked a fight, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to remind myself that there’s no hope. I can’t be in love with him. He’d never love me back, not when we’re not even friends.
Not when I’m an awful person.
Not when I was friends with people like Fin who tormented him for months, and I did nothing.You’re best friends with him,Kieran said.
I couldn’t stand the sight of that long, mustard-coloured bruise on his perfect face.
Now, I take a deep breath and lean back against the bench. There’s a bigger problem to worry about at the moment: Fin. He has a perfect opportunity to expel Kieran, just because he can, and I know he will. Fin’s always had the power to hurt his enemies, and so he always does.
If Kieran’s expelled, he’ll go back to Sydney. The thought makes my heart beat speed up. I squeeze my eyes shut.Calm. Down.
*
I lie in bed, trying to read a novel for English class, but the letters are a blurry mess under my eyes. It’s the following morning and I can’t concentrate on anything. At the beginning of this year, I had a sex problem. Now I have a Kieran problem, because I can’t focus on anything without thinking about him.
I’m trying to think logically about the Fin situation. Fin’s always been lazy but if there’s one thing that motivates him, it’s getting the best of others. It’s his one talent, because he’s not very smart —
Actually, that’s wrong because Fin’s been getting amazing grades all year. Every time he tells me about his latest results, I die a little from shock —
I go still. The wordubiquitousappears in my mind. Fin pronounced ituh-bick-i-tousin his assembly speech, and I remember talking about it at dinner with Senior, Juliet and Kieran. What had Kieran said?He probably didn’t even write it.
