“And I am attracted to women. In case you thought differently,” I say. I’m rambling, but I can’t stop myself. “I’m not saying I’m attracted to you, or Imogen, or Kennedy or Zaina. Not that you all aren’t pretty. Because you are…”
I’m panicking, that’s why I’m talking like a crazy person.
“I understand,” Trinity says gently. She leans back in the chair and stares at the backyard. “I think for me, the reason I know we’re just friends is because you’re sort of… distant. Like emotionally unavailable.” She turns to face me. “I figured you had a lover or something back in Sydney.”
“Oh.” Michael’s face flashes in my mind. After he broke up with me, it used to haunt me. I told myself I’d never love anyone again, not when my first relationship hurt so much. I knew before coming to Easton I wouldn’t date anyone. It was out of the question.
My eyes find Jasper, standing under a gum tree. Maybe…maybe if…
I rip my eyes away and look at Trinity, who’s watching me. “Well, I don’t,” I answer.
Her brows jump up for a second, but then she nods. “Did me answering that make you feel better?”
I pick at a thread on my jumper. “I don’t know.”
Imogen returns and tells us about the guy in her economics class who won’t stop flirting with her. I excuse myself to head into the house, trying not to look at Jasper on the way. I sneak a peek, though, and that’sdefinitelymy hoodie, and clench my jaw.
Ever since our last hookup, I’ve been oscillating from angry to sad whenever I think of him. I know it’s not his fault that Fin arrived, but it is his fault that Fin’s his friend. The fact that Jasper’s friends with Fin reminds me who Jasper is, and why I shouldn’t get close to him.
Even though he apologised to me, and told me about his parents, and bought me that book. Even though every time we’re in his bedroom, he kisses me hard and clings to me and draws patterns on my skin with his fingers.
I head into the lounge room to grab another drink. If I drink more alcohol, maybe the night will be more bearable. As I turn to leave, Jasper appears in the doorway.
“Hi Kieran.” He doesn’t look surprised to see me. He must have followed me in.
I tense. “What’s with the hoodie?”
He spreads his lips into a careless smile, but he’s fidgeting. “Maybe it was dumb,” he says with a shrug. “But it’s warmer than my other clothes. So.”
Bullshit. As if my old hoodie is warmer than those three-hundred dollar cashmere or wool jumpers he owns.
“What are you doing in here?” he continues.
“Getting a drink,” I say, then explain how I’ve stored my drinks in the cupboard.
“Smart.”
I grunt.
His smile slips. “I know you’re mad at me,” Jasper says. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise.”
“Well, I am, okay? I know it was shitty pushing you into the wardrobe. And I know you hate Fin, so the fact that it was him that almost caught us made everything worse. And you didn’t even get to finish —”
“I don’t care about that part,” I interrupt.
He stares at me. “I just feel guilty about that, too. Especially because I did —”
I don’t need him to remind me of that, of how warm his body was, of the way his mouth fell open when I — I shake the memory away.
“Not everything has to be completely transactional,” I snap. “Oh right, it does. That’s why you took my hoodie, isn’t it? To make it fair? Or to prove a point that I’m too stubborn because I refuse to wear your hand-me-downs? Fine, congratulations. You’re better than me.”
His pink lips part. “Calm down, Kieran.”
“If that’s not the reason, why did you wear it?”
He looks away. “Why are you so mad about it? It’s just a hoodie.”
