He turns to me. “Can I have it?”
I must have heard him wrong. “What?” The word comes out sharper than I intended.
“You can say no,” Jasper says. “It’s just…you know. A fair exchange.”
“You’d never wear it.” I don’t know why I’m protesting. I don’t care about the hoodie that much. “Don’t feel obligated to — ”
“That’s not it,” he says.
I try to decipher what he’s thinking and fail. “Okay,” I say. “You can have it.”
“Thanks.” He folds up the hoodie into a neat square and sits on the end of my bed.
I sit beside him, our legs touching. Outside, the wind rushes.
“Don’t let people see it’s mine,” I tell him after a moment.
“Because they’ll know we’re hooking up. I know.”
“No. Because they’ll think we’re dating,” I correct.
Jasper bites his thumbnail. “Have you had a boyfriend before?”
I force my voice to remain casual, even though my heart thumps inside my chest. “Why do you ask that?”
“Well, you’ve had sex with a guy before me. You know how to do…everything.”
I look at the ceiling. “Yeah. I had a boyfriend. He broke up with me when I got expelled.” Talking about it used to make me feel like someone was squeezing my chest with a death-grip, but surprisingly, mentioning it now doesn’t hurt. It feels like something that happened a long time ago.
Maybe that’s another benefit of sleeping with Jasper. I’m forgetting Michael.
“Oh. I’m…sorry,” Jasper says.
“I deserved it.”
“Did your dad know?” he asks after a moment.
“That I had a boyfriend? Yeah. My dad’s known I was bi since I was in primary school.”
Jasper unfolds the hoodie and folds it again. “We should return to the reading room. Senior and Juliet might get suspicious.”
I nod. That whole conversation was… weird as hell. Jasper’s wearing a strange expression on his face. I wonder if something’s wrong, but he’s not exuding his usual annoyance. It’s something smaller.
A couple minutes after we return to the reading room, Senior and Juliet come back and show us some of the funny family photos they found. Juliet stacks them into an envelope and decides that it’s about time she and Jasper go home.
Senior and I see them off at the front door. Juliet notices the hoodie in Jasper’s hands, but doesn’t say anything, only shares a glance with Senior.
23
Jasper: Locked Door
It’s the last week of term and things are getting more hectic than ever. More and more Year 12s study in the library during lunchtime, and everyone’s discussing university preferences. I’m stressed too — I think I’m studying a lot, but every time I take a break, Dad’s voice echoes in the back of my head, saying that it’s not enough.
I try to ignore it because I know perfection is unattainable. Thinking about what Kieran said when he spooned me in my bed is helpful. It makes me feel better, that maybe I’m not in the wrong.
That’s why I had to pay him back with a measly book. I couldn’t have him doing kind things to me for no reason. That’s why I asked for his hoodie. It’s all about being fair.
I wish I could have given him something nicer in return for listening to me rant. I thought about other stuff I could buy, but I know he’d refuse anything expensive.
