His eyes jump up to mine, green eyes big. “No.” The emphatic way he says it irritates me. How can he be surprised when he always takes every opportunity to put me down?
“The one you said about the government housing was pretty creative, I’ll give you that.” When Zaina explained it to me, I didn’t have the energy to be surprised or offended, but I was embarrassed he said that in front of Zaina. I looked so weak and ignorant.
He recoils and lets go of the box. Good.
“Maybe I should have just said that I’m living with Senior. Fin doesn’t know that, does he? I wonder how he would have reacted.”
He stops biting his nail.
I go on. “I wonder how he would have reacted if I told him about the day you…how did you phrase it?Propositionedme.”
He looks away.
“I wonder if he knows what that word means. Probably not. I’d have to explain it in simple terms. That you wanted to fuck me on a regular basis.”
He flushes, and that only encourages me. Good. I want him to feel as awful and low as I’ve felt.
“I bet he — and all your fucking friends — would have been delighted to know that we’ve already fucked twice. That you said my name when you came. That youbeggedmeto touch you —”
“Stop it, Kieran,” he interrupts, his head ducked. “Please.”
That shuts me up. This is the second time he’s ever said please to me in my life. It shouldn’t affect me so much.
He inhales a wavering breath. Is he going to throw a punch? Kick me out? “I know you have feelings too,” he says.
I stare at him. “Wow, you are clever, aren’t you?”
“Just let me say this, okay?” He glares at me before looking back down at his carpet. “I shouldn’t have acted like a dick, when I propos — whatever. You know.” He wipes a hand over his face. “I shouldn’t have said the crap I did. I shouldn’t have been rude at the front door, or said that drug stuff, or asked you if you knew what proposition means.
“And it’s not an excuse, but I was…um…pretty nervous, so that’s part of the reason I acted that way. I didn’t even see that I was being a dick. So, uh…yeah, I lack self-awareness.”
“You don’t say,” I drawl, but my brain’s having trouble computing. Jasper isapologising.
“And I am sorry about the Elizabeth Street comment. That was so unnecessary and inappropriate and… yeah.” He digs his hands into his hair. “I didn’t think. I just wanted to hurt you.”
He goes quiet. I look at him, at his eyes fixed on the ground, the way his shoulders have fallen, so different from his usual confident posture.
An apology isn’t enough to make up for everything that’s happened between us. But I know he’s being genuine. It’s one of the rare times I’ve seen such raw emotion on his face. The last time I saw him look so exposed was when I told him to get out.
If someone told me to get out after I suggested being intimate together, I don’t know how I’d feel. Awful. Wounded. He’d insulted me over and over that day, true, but maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh.
“I would have said yes,” I mutter.
Jasper’s mouth parts like he’s surprised. How is he so dumb?
“You didn’t have to use words,” I say. “You know that, right? We didn’t have to talk about it. You could have just…you could have just taken your clothes off. Or taken my clothes off.” I close my eyes. “You could have just kissed me. Or gotten on your knees. Or pushed me to my knees. Why do you have to fuck everything up?”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
After Jasper left, I decided it was good that I said no. I’m only here until graduation, and after everything that happened with Michael, I’m not here to get close to anyone.
I think of Michael’s brown eyes and slim body. His thoughtful voice. His kindness.
I open my eyes and look at Jasper. He’s nothing like Michael. It’s a good thing. It makes me feel better about what I’m going to say next.
“I’ve changed my mind,” I say, taking the box of clothes. It slips out of Jasper’s hands.
“You are?”
