I turn away and walk for the door.
“Where are you going?”
I don’t bother turning around. “He was right. You’re not my friend.”
27
Eve: This Is The Worst
If I thought things were bad on Monday morning, they got worse during lunchtime. But Noah walking away from me was the worst.
No, it’s not the worst. It doesn’t affect me. Pay attention to class. I don’t care at all. Stop ruminating.
I don’t care; I don’t care; I don’t care.
Despite the mantra I repeat in my head, I can’t help rewinding everything that happened in my mind, searching for the moment it all went wrong and fell apart.
Is everything my fault?
At recess, Tiana, Alison and Sana promised not to say a word about Noah and Henry. I talked to them long enough for their sly smiles to fade away. Sure, spreading rumours about someone is awful. But exposing Noah and Henry like that, before they’re ready? That’s unforgivable.
I’m sure they understood. Even if they’re the biggest bitches in our year level, they must have some compassion for Noah and Henry — they’re all friends. Or friends adjacent.
And even if they are heartless, they won’t risk the chance of being cancelled by the rest of the school. Teenagers are aware of these things now.
What I know for certain is that they are vicious, and when I said that they could expose me instead, they pounced on that. It’s 5th period, and people are giving me looks. Notwhat-a-slutlooks.What-a-psycholooks.
My eyes go out of focus, reducing my teacher to a blur. I want to go home and cover my face with pillows and scream. I want to leave school and never return. I want to go back in time and undo everything.
Ruby is gone.
Oliver is almost definitely gone.
And Noah. I don’t know why it hurts so much. Maybe it’s because we’d never argued before. Maybe it’s because I didn’t expect it. Guilt is heavy in the pit of my stomach, even though I was right.
Wasn’t I?
Henry was an asshole, and there’s no way I was going to take it. Noah shouldn’t have expected me to. He should have done something.
They know how Noah feels about you.
Can’t you see how much he cares about you?
You don’t deserve him.
I cover my eyes with my hands as if I can make the memory of my words disappear. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
When the bell for the end of school rings, I get the hell out of the classroom. At my locker, I stuff my books into my school bag and by the time I’m finished, most students are still wandering back from class.
As I walk to the front of the school, I hear laughter and whispers. My body stiffens, though I’m not sure people are talking about me. But who else would they be judging?
I try to distract myself by coming up with an elaborate revenge plot on Tiana and her friends, but it’s not as satisfying as I thought it’d be. I’m furious at them, but they weren’t there at lunchtime when everything went to shit. I was.
I sit on an empty bench nearby the car park, thankful no one my age is nearby. Two Year 7 boys throw a cricket ball to each other. Under a tree, a circle of girls eat Zooper Doopers from the canteen.
I connect earphones to my phone and play music loud enough to block out the thrum of vehicles or the two mothers in front of me who lean against their parked shiny cars and chat about home renovations.
It’s only when he’s taking a seat next to me do I notice him. Oliver.
