Curtis: I get that.
I watch Liam's text bubble with three dots appear, then disappear, then appear again. Is he going to reply, or is that the end of our conversation? I think of our second last conversation in the common room. I wish I never kissed you. I think about that sentence far too often.
Liam: I should go to sleep. I bet you were still awake because you were reading a finance book?
Curtis: I was trying to sleep too. But I was reading before bed, half an hour ago.
Liam: What was the book?
Curtis: It's about good personal finance habits. It's not that great. I'll probably drop it.
Liam: Hahaha okay. Maybe I should read a finance book.
Curtis: You should. I have a hundred recommendations.
Liam: Or maybe you could just tell me all the finance tips you know.
Curtis: I could. There's a lot though. You'd have to listen for hours.
Liam: I don't mind. You'd make it interesting.
I don't know how to respond to that. Minutes ago, when I was trying to sleep, my body had relaxed, my breathing slow. Now my heart is speeding up like I'm talking to Liam in real life. It's going to make it hard to fall asleep later.
Liam: Well. I should go to sleep. Goodnight.
Curtis: Wait.
Curtis: I'm sorry. But can I ask you something?
Liam: I'm scared.
Curtis: Hahaha don't be.
I'm laughing via text, but in reality, I'm the one that's scared. I wish there was a way to ask him what I wanted to ask him without being vulnerable. I could never ask him and never expose myself like that. That's what the old me would do — avoid communication, avoid trouble. But I want to know the truth. I need to, especially when Liam was messaging me like he was still interested, when he said I don't mind. You'd make it interesting.
And there was that English class. It was painful as hell, but my heart fluttered around him, which is embarrassing to admit. I have to know.
Liam: What is it?
Curtis: So.
Curtis: What did you mean that day in the common room when you said you wished you never kissed me?
I know Liam would never be cruel to me. He wouldn't make fun of me for asking that question, an emotional relationship-y question. But he might say, I'm not interested in you anymore…
I stare at my screen, my grip on the phone tight. He hasn't replied yet. How long has it been? And then my phone buzzes.
Liam: I meant I wished I never kissed you because it messed everything up. You know, because it made Kennedy hate you and then you went home and then it made Kennedy hate me, and everything is still a mess and I don't know if Kennedy will ever forgive me or you. This is all obvious stuff that you already knew and that's not what you're asking because you're smart. The answer to what you're asking is… I wanted to kiss you that night, and I did, and I still want to. But now I can't be your friend (as well as all the other stuff that happened). So I'm saying I wish I stayed your friend rather than kissed you, because at least if I was just your friend, I could talk to you and hang out with you. I still like you, Curtis. I don't know if that's obvious.
I read the message three times to make sure I understand, and then my fingers are flying over the keyboard.
Curtis: Well, I'm a pretty oblivious person, so I didn't know.
Liam: Is this why you've been weird?
Liam and I don't talk at school, but sometimes he seeks eye contact with me, and I avoid it. In that English class, I was jumpy as hell next to him.
Curtis: Yeah. But I'm relieved now.
