"Not only your fault," Curtis says, throwing my words from minutes before back in my face. "I kissed you too." He leans his head back against the headboard, his face tipped to the ceiling, and closes his eyes.
I know without asking him he's thinking of the same thing as me: Kennedy. My best friend. His ex-girlfriend. They broke up two days ago.
I imagine the hurt in her eyes when she finds out what we just did. She's going to hate me, and she'd be right to. I can't believe I did that.
I glance at Curtis, and feeling my eyes on him, he looks at me. I notice the front of his shirt is wrinkled, and the sight makes me flush with shame.
"I should go," Curtis says.
Disappointment fills me, even though I know it's the right thing. "Okay," I say, voice hoarse.
He hesitates. "Should I go?"
I look at him. I must look as uncertain as he does.
I remember his words. I kissed you too. And he did. He leaned over me and kissed me hard like I fantasised about.
"I don't know," I whisper.
"I… don't want to be alone," he says.
"I think it's okay, if you stay here," I answer. "If we don't touch each other. If you stay here as a friend."
I'm not sure how true the words are, but Curtis nods, and relief fills me. After a couple of minutes, I turn on the lamp on the closest bedside table, get out of bed and turn off the main light, and return to the bed, the room illuminated with faint orange light.
Curtis and I slide back down into the bed, so we're lying down again, facing each other.
"Are you tired?" Curtis asks.
I shake my head. "No." So much adrenaline is rushing through me I think I could run a race.
We're silent as we search each other's faces. I pick out details of Curtis I want to keep in my mind, in case I never see him like this again. The way his blonde hair falls across his head. Those blue eyes which are light around the edges and dark near the pupil. The curve of his lip.
"At least you now know who my secret crush is," I whisper. My voice is light, trying to lighten the mood, but Curtis just shakes his head, a little amused look on his lips.
"And you know mine," Curtis answers.
I feel like an idiot, because that surprises me, even with everything that happened. For a gleeful moment, I feel elated that he feels the same way — until I remember reality.
"This is a shitty situation, isn't it?" he says, reading my expression.
"It'd be so much easier if I didn't like you."
"It'd be so much easier if I didn't like you," Curtis counters.
"It's weird, isn't it? How we went from hating each other to… this."
Curtis's laugh is soft and breathy. "I think I always noticed you. Before we became friends. Before Kennedy."
My brow furrows.
He nods. "Sure, you annoyed me at school, and yet… I don't know."
"You annoyed me," I say. "Even before Kennedy. I thought you were irritatingly perfect. I was jealous of you."
Curtis's eyes widen, and I'm surprised at his surprise.
"It didn't help that you're so hot, no matter how many times I tried to convince myself otherwise."
