"Sure, we do."
I don't reply.
"Well, does it matter?" she says. "I thought you liked spending time with me!"
"I do," I say, "but we have nothing to talk about when we're alone."
Kennedy shakes her head, and I don't know whether it's in disagreement or incredulity. "I can't believe we're having this conversation now."
She stands and looks at the packet of condoms on the blankets. She picks it up with a before chucking it at me, but her throw is weak.
I catch the box of condoms and stuff them into my pocket. "I'm not saying this to hurt you. I like hanging out with you, and I think you're beautiful."
Kennedy scoffs.
"It's almost like a romantic relationship, but not quite."
"And how would you know?" she asks. "You've never been in a serious relationship before. Neither have I! So how would either of us know? What if this is what it's supposed to be like?"
I wouldn't feel like I have to think of something to say. I wouldn't feel like you don't want to hear about my life or my thoughts. I wouldn't feel like the novelty from the beginning of our relationship has faded.
Because if this were real, I wouldn't feel like I still have to pretend.
"You deserve someone better," I say, standing up, but keeping my distance. I don't want to fight. I just want Kennedy to understand.
"I can't believe you're speaking in cliches. That you're pretending it's out of concern for me. 'I deserve better?'"
"You should be with someone you can you can fall in love with."
"How do you know that couldn't have been us, Curtis?"
"I just know," I say. Maybe that's why Liam's words stuck with me all this time. The things teenagers do for lust. I knew in my gut how Kennedy felt about me. I wasn't offended. It was just the facts.
"That's why I stopped," I say, gesturing to the bed. "Because you shouldn't sleep with someone like me for your first time. It should be with someone —"
"For fuck's sake," Kennedy snaps, stepping forward, and up close, I can see that her eyes are a little red. "How many times do I have to tell you I wanted you? Is it so bad that our high school relationship isn't the most serious? Is it so awful that I want to sleep with my boyfriend? I've told you, over and over, that I don't care about the special romantic crap associated with the first time." Kennedy's voice has risen and now she's shouting. She walks towards me, and I walk backwards, my hands up in surrender. "I'm mad because I feel you're just disregarding my autonomy to make my own decisions when you say shit like I should sleep or date with someone better." Kennedy stops, her head hanging, her chest heaving. "You're acting just like Liam did when he wouldn't stop annoying me about you. I shouldn't even be surprised. Fucking men."
"Your decisions are your choice. I know that. I don't want you to feel like I don't understand that," I say after a minute has passed. "But I couldn't go through with it. Not when I felt like it was a betrayal to you. Not when it was something I didn't feel certain about. I hope that makes sense."
A minute later, Kennedy's breathing calms down and she looks up, meeting my eyes. She opens her mouth, about to speak —
And the master bedroom door swings open. Kennedy and I jump. Erin stands in the doorway, frowning, with Liam and Bonnie lingering behind her, shifting timidly.
"You two," Erin snaps. "Kitchen. We need to have a discussion. Now."
18
Liam: Truth
Everyone does things they regret when they're drunk, and I did way too many stupid things in one night. Making that comment about Curtis on his knees. Finding the box of condoms in his drawer. Another dumb thing I did — we did — which didn't seem so dumb at the time was taking about a hundred photos at the club. I forgot that happened, and when Bonnie and I went with Erin to buy groceries, we were more preoccupied with trying to look normal than remembering what happened the night before.
We'd almost arrived at the centre of town when Erin received a phone call. As soon as she answered it, Erin's smile slid off, and I could hear a stern voice on the other end of the call. Bonnie paled, and we shared a look.
"Open Instagram," Erin said to Bonnie once the phone call was over.
Bonnie blinked at her.
"Do it."
