For god's sake, Curtis. Stop it.
"You're so beautiful," I say to Kennedy, burrowing my head into her neck.
It's perfectly natural, not wanting your girlfriend's best friend to see the condoms you plan to use. It's perfectly natural, wanting to keep your sex life private.
I suck on the curve where Kennedy's neck connects with her dainty shoulders.
And Liam's reaction was perfectly natural as well. The cloud that passed over his face. The way his eyes dimmed. The false peppiness in his voice.
My stomach twisted at the sight of it. It was embarrassment. Just embarrassment.
Kennedy says something, and I miss it.
"Hmm?" I say, raising my head.
"I want you," Kennedy repeats, wrapping her hands around my back. She brings me down and we kiss.
Kennedy tastes the way she always does, and I wonder how many times I've kissed her. Hundreds of times? A thousand? It's the main thing we do when we hang out. Sometimes we'll pretend to do another activity, like watching a movie or studying, or something else, but it's all about kissing.
Although, during this holiday, we haven't kissed much. I guess it's because Liam and the cousins are here, so we get fewer opportunities. Kennedy spends a lot of time with her cousins. And I… I spend a lot of time with Liam.
I jerk my head back at the thought but disguise my weirdness by moving back and kissing a line down Kennedy's body. Kennedy's gorgeous body, because she is stunning. There's no doubt that her body turns me on, and my younger self would want to have sex with her immediately.
I consider my current self to be more mature, taking Kennedy's personality and our relationship into consideration. And she's great, and we're dating. So I should be even more excited to sleep with her.
When my head arrives at the space between Kennedy's legs, I pause. "Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask.
Kennedy props herself up on her elbows and looks down her body at me. "For you to…" she nods her head at me.
I shake my head. "I'm not talking about the foreplay, I mean… having sex."
"Of course, Curtis. We've been talking about this for ages."
"But are you sure you want to do it with me?" I blurt out, straightening up so I'm sitting on the bed rather than lying. "It's your virginity, and —"
Kennedy rolls her eyes. "The concept of virginity is so antiquated, and it's just another product of patriarchy. It's fine, Curtis. I want to do this with you." Her voice softens, and she tilts her head. "Is everything alright with you?"
I manage a nod. Even if she thinks the idea of losing her virginity isn't a big deal, I don't want to mess it up for her. I lower my body down on the bedspread again. I close my eyes and kiss the inside of Kennedy's thighs, moving upward, listening to her encouraging sighs of contentment.
In the darkness of my closed eyes, I imagine Kennedy and me having sex, once the foreplay is over and we're both ready. Even though my body likes the idea, my brain tells me it's a bad idea. What the hell is wrong with me? I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter and try to think about Kennedy. My girlfriend. Us. We're a couple. Me and Kennedy. Kennedy and I —
Brown eyes. Messy hair. Ridiculously thick lashes and those cheekbones. That perfect, lean body.
I tear my mouth away from Kennedy. The worst part is that I can't even pretend to be surprised.
"Curtis?" Kennedy looks at me, her cheeks pink. "What's wrong?"
"I thought I heard someone," I say, and feel guilty for lying. But how could I tell the truth to Kennedy without ruining everything?
"There's no one here," Kennedy says, looking around, through the windows. The curtains allow us to see the vague silhouettes of the outside world, and in the front yard, I can see the swaying branches of a tree and the wooden fence.
I crawl up on the bed and sit beside her. Kennedy looks confused as she curls up into a sitting position. "What's going on?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," I say, running a hand over my face. "I… I'm just freaking out, and I know you said not to pressure myself, but I can't help it… I just don't think I'm in the right headspace to do this for you."
Kennedy reaches for me before changing her mind and settling her hands in her lap. We look almost like strangers, sitting like this, except for the fact that we're naked. "Okay," she says.
"I'm sorry," I repeat.
