‘Jackson!’
‘I’m just saying.’ He holds up his hands. ‘I won’t, okay? But you said it’s over? But you think you’re’—he grimaces—‘in love with him.’
I slip down from my bar stool and move around the island to join my husband. I put a hand on his back and rub it.
‘I know it’s a lot to take in. It had to finish when the paps got us. I had to deny everything. But I realised later that it was a knee-jerk decision and I hadn’t really thought through what I wanted. And yeah, I love him, but he doesn’t know that. He thinks I chose you.’
This is a really, really shit conversation. I’m hurting my husband, who I love despite everything, and I’m standing at the edge of a precipice, and somewhere, a few miles away, is a wonderful, caring man who’s hopefully still in love with me, which means he’s also hurting. But not for much longer.
‘What do you want, Hon? Like, what do you really want?’
His tone is defeated and curious rather than hostile, so I take the question at face value.
‘I want to be with him. Properly. I want a life with him. And I want to be known for my success as a businesswoman and not as one half of a celebrity couple.’
He juts his lower lip thoughtfully and turns to face me. Our faces are centimetres apart.
‘That’s a lot of change. I mean, I get that you have feelings for him, but he’s been a big part of the whole process of your mum dying. Are you sure you’re not projecting? It would be totally normal to do that. Maybe you’re fixating on him because he’s been an authority figure at a really difficult time in your life. It’s pretty fucking unethical of him, come to think of it.’
‘Stop that. It’s not unethical. He’s done everything he can to maintain an arm’s length relationship with us. We had a totally different doctor—you met her. It’s not about any of that. It’s him. He’s a wonderful person who’s devoted his life to helping families who are in great pain. That’s why I’m in love with him.’
‘Fuck’s sake.’ Jackson rubs at a non-existent spot on the marble. ‘Of course the guy’s got to be a fucking saint.’
‘I know it’s hard. And I’m aware it’ll be a lot to ask of thekids, too. I’m hoping that, when the dust settles, having two amazing and very different guys in their lives will be a positive for them. If Noah agrees to take a chance on me and our crazy baggage.’
‘Of course he will. Who wouldn’t want you? I just wish I’d known. I wish this was all happening differently.’
‘I know, and I’m sorry. But he’s going to be there tomorrow, and I need to talk to him. I need to see if he’s willing to give us a chance. But I need you not to do anything to scare him off tomorrow, okay? Please, honey.’
Jackson sighs, and growls, and digs the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. ‘Okay. But only because it’s a funeral.’
‘Thank you.’
We stand there for a moment in silence, contemplating the seismic changes we’re both facing in life.
‘I can’t believe you were unhappy and I didn’t know,’ Jackson says. ‘We’re good together, babe. You and I are similar creatures—that’s why we work so well together, even if our marriage isn’t the most conventional.’
‘We are similar, but I do wonder if that’s a good thing.’ I look down at my glass. ‘It’s done amazing things for our careers, but I’m not sure it’s healthy. And I can’t stop thinking that maybe you figured that out long before me, and that’s why you fell for that teacher. And I’ve been feeling so bad about it, because the way I handled that—well, I’m not proud of it. And what if I cost you your chance at happiness? What if she was a better fit for you?’
Jackson is quiet for a moment. ‘Jenna was definitely special—I could really have fallen for her. I did fall for her. But I wouldn’t have left you. And I can’t exactly walk away from the fame stuff unless I retire. It’s part of the gig for me, and I have to accept that, and any woman who’s in my life has to accept that too.’
I ask the question I’ve been wanting to ask. ‘And Leila? Tell me honestly, how do you feel about her?’
Another pause, and a smile. ‘She’s… she’s a good one. There’s something there, probably more than I’ve admitted to you, babe, or to myself, to be honest. And she gets it, the fame thing. Or, at least, she’ll have to get it, becauseVet’s going to send her stratospheric. She’s amazing in it. So, yeah. If my wife’s dumping my sorry arse, Leila might be up for comforting me.’
‘Hmm. I suspect if you and Leila were to get it on properly, it may be a silver lining for Mara, too?’ I wiggle my eyebrows at him. ‘A new golden couple for her to go crazy with?’
‘Two new golden couples.’ He nudges her shoulder. ‘You and the pretty doctor.’
‘I’ll have you know, the press is never getting a photo of me and Noah again.’
CHAPTER 37
Noah
This is one of the most sophisticated cocktail parties I’ve ever been to, let alone funerals. We’re in a stunning room at The Montague with ornate plasterwork and pale blue silk-covered walls. There are candles on every surface, and huge silver bowls of white flowers everywhere.
But it’s not just the decor that’s impressive. Well-heeled doesn’t begin to describe the people here. There are plenty of immaculately groomed, silver-haired men and women who I assume are long-time friends of Stephanie. Honor told me a few weeks ago that the memorial would be invitation-only and that she’d be giving Jackson’s celebrity crew a miss, but looking around, I’m reminded that Honor has her fair share of impressive friends.
