‘Okay.’ I can see his cogs turning, trying to find a way through the problem. ‘Right. Well, I can—we can speak to Mara, maybe? And?—’
‘No, no.’ I interrupt him. ‘Sorry, I’m not being clear. I know that’s your life. I’m not asking you to walk away from your career. I’m saying I want out.’
‘Out?’
Shit. That was probably a little too abrupt. Those blue eyes I’ve loved for so long are wide with shock, and now that freedom is on the horizon, I have a pang of preemptive grief for everything I’ll be giving up. Him, and that aura of magic that still captivates me, despite myself. These things are never clear-cut. Of course I’ll miss my husband. Our marriage. Our life. But I know, in a profound way, that if Noah lets me choose him, I’ll be doing the kindest thing for myself that I’ve possibly ever done.
‘I want a divorce, Jackson. I’m sorry to land it on you like this, but there it is.’
‘Adivorce? But—but what about Burberry?’
I laugh out loud then: I hurl a scoff right out of my body, because his reaction is so un-bloody-believable and yet so fucking predictable. Getting the ink dry on our next piece of high-paying publicity. Seriously.
‘Burberry is not happening, because every time I think about locking myself into this for five more years, my anxiety goes through the roof. Come on, Jackson. I’m telling you I don’t want our life or our marriage anymore. Burberry should be the least of our worries right now.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He holds up his hands. ‘You’re right. I’m just—in shock. I thought this was what you wanted; you’ve always been as ambitious as me. You know what—I suspect the past few months have taken their toll on you. It’s been a lot to juggle, and now you’re grieving. You’ve just buried your mum, for fuck’s sake. I think anyone would advise you not to make big decisions when you’re in such an emotional state.’
It’s a little patronising and a lot sensible. It’s exactly what I’ve told myself, and my therapist has told me.
‘Look. I agree with you. But I’ve had weeks to think this over, and honestly, I owe Mum a debt of gratitude, because knowing I was going to lose her has given me a real kick up the arse.’
‘But why not take it slowly, babe? Why not let things settle down and see how you feel in a month or two? This is your whole life you’re talking about.’
Exactly. It’s my whole life. That’s why I can’t live this life for a moment longer than I have to.
‘Because,’ I say slowly, ‘there’s something I haven’t told you. I had a—relationship with someone over the summer, and it’s not going on anymore, but I’m in love with him.’
The guy reels, and despite everything he’s done over the course of our marriage, in this moment I pity him.
‘What the actualfuck?’
I can see he’s about to go into full wounded-male-ego mode. ‘Beverycareful about how you judge me on this, Jackson.’
He takes a deep breath and visibly collects himself,running his hand over the top of his shaved head. ‘But you didn’t tell me.’
‘No, I didn’t tell you, and that was wrong of me. But you and Leila were all over the tabloids at the time, so I figured I deserved a bit of fun.’
‘Is that what it was? A bit of fun? Who is this dickhead?’
‘That’s all I thought it would be, but I got in too deep. And he’s not a dickhead. It’s Noah.’
‘Noah?Fuck.’ He pushes himself away from the bar and gets off his stool, pacing around the island, before stopping and dropping forward, putting his head in his hands. ‘Was it going on in France?’
I swallow. ‘Yeah. That’s where it started—it was the night that server from Marmont hit the news. I was seriously pissed off, and so was he, on my behalf, and it all just... went from there, really. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’
‘God, so those photos of you guys…’
‘They were real.’
‘I’m such an idiot! I just never thought you would?—’
‘What? Sink to your level? Or get disillusioned with what we have and look for some human connection elsewhere?’
He groans. ‘Both, I guess. Not just because I expect you to be more principled than me, but I didn’t realise you were unhappy. And now I feel like a total jackass. And?—’
‘What?’
He laughs without humour. ‘It feels really, really shitty being on this end of it, and I know I have no right to be, but I’m seriously fucked off. I want to punch his lights out.’
