Karen’s face goes solemn, and she comes over and puts a couple of fingers to Mum’s neck.
‘I can’t feel a pulse.’ She puts her hand gently on my shoulder. ‘I’ll just page Noah.’
Ally and I stare at each other across the bed until Noah shows up, a stethoscope already in his ears, and I have a fleeting and completely inappropriate flashback to our role-plays before the part of my brain responsible for basic human decency pulls me to the present moment. He feels her neck with his fingers and uses the stethoscope to listen to her heart, before pulling out the earpieces and bowing his head.
‘I’m afraid your mother’s gone. Honor, Ally, I’m so very sorry for your loss.’ He checks his watch and turns to Karen and tells her in the same low, reverent voice, ‘Time of death, oh-eight-fourteen.’
And just like that, the mysterious veil between life anddeath drops, and my dam bursts, and all the equilibrium and quiet resignation I’ve been feeling this past night is submerged in a tidal wave of grief. Mum is gone prematurely—both our parents are gone prematurely—and the world will never be quite the same again.
I cry as Ally rounds the bed to hug me and weep onto my shoulder before slipping out to call Ted, and I cry as Noah takes me in his arms and holds me, and I wonder if he’ll let me cry on him for as long as I need. Because I know Ted will be on his way as soon as he gets the kids off to school, and my desire to have Jackson wade in here and comfort me is non-existent.
Mumand I had a chat yesterday, during a brief period of wakefulness for her before Ally turned up to join me on the night shift, and that it was the last proper conversation we ever had imbues it with even more solemnity in my mind, when I replay the scene now.
‘I saw you and Noah last night.’ All she’s capable of is a croaky, laboured whisper, but I can hear her well enough.
‘Did you?’ I stroke her hair away from her face.
‘I woke when they changed my catheter. I saw you asleep with him. What are you doing, darling?’
My instant reaction is defence. ‘We were just sleeping—he was keeping me company. It wasn’t anything more.’
She tuts. ‘I don’t mean that.’ She’s quiet for a moment, catching her breath. ‘Don’t tell me you two don’t belong together. When are you going to take a deep look inside and go after what you really want, rather than what you think you should want?’
Her unexpected insight and the generosity of her advice hit me right in the chest, and the mere suggestion that I shouldallow myself to entertain the idea of being with Noah brings tears to my eyes. Because the only way I know how to survive is to pick a prize and keep my eye on it and not allow myself any distractions. And I’ve chosen my prize; I did that a long time ago. And I can’t veer off course now. I’m not allowed.
‘I don’t think I know what I want anymore. Or—I’m worried that if I let myself change my mind, it will say things about me.’
‘Say what about you?’
‘That I’m fickle. Or I don’t put the work in. Or that I’m a bad parent. I can’t just go after what I might want—I have to think about the family.’
‘Darling. I may not agree with the lifestyle you and Jackson lead, but Rollo and Serena are two of the most well-adjusted, delightful children I’ve ever met, so kudos to you. And you’re allowed to change your mind about what you want. You don’t need to ask anyone else’s permission. It’syourlife. If you were lying here in thirty years’ time, dying, who would you want holding your hand? Jackson or Noah?’
Oh my God.Oh my God.Fucking hell. It’s Noah. When Mum puts it like that, there’s no question. Jackson isn’t even in the picture. I can’t answer, but I’m pretty sure my face tells Mum my choice.
‘Well, then.’ She nods. ‘Whew. Give me a moment. I’m so tired. But I need to say this, darling.’
We sit together in silence for a few moments, and I’m on tenterhooks as I wait for her to impart this nugget of advice, pleading for her to find the strength.
‘You always pushed yourself. And we encouraged it, supported it, cheered you on. You’ve always been so single-minded. I don’t know where you get the energy. And you’ve done so well, but you’ve paid such a high price.
‘And you are allowed to walk away. You’re allowed to grow as a person, and find new things that bring delightand meaning and purpose to your life, and you’re allowed to choose happiness over success. Remember the sunk cost fallacy, darling. Digging your heels in just because you’ve already invested so much in this path is plain stupid. And you, my darling, are anything but stupid.’
She sinks back into her pillows, but she squeezes my hand with more force than I thought she was capable of, and I squeeze back. She’s right, of course. I’ve used the sunk cost fallacy a million times in business. We use it to evaluate when to shut down underperforming products and when to double down and put more investment behind them. But I never thought about using it in mylife.
‘It makes total sense when you say it like that. But I can’t help but thinking I’m being selfish. Or flaky. Or weak, by walking out on my husband and our brand just because I’m in love.’
Mum sighs, and I’m sure it’s exasperating for her to have to dig deep for energy in her final hours on earth because her daughter is being obtuse.
‘It’s not weak to acknowledge that you want something different and to go after it. It’s strong. You’d be weak if you knew it and were too afraid to act on it. And this isn’t just about men, darling. It’s about what they represent. Jackson represents power and money and success, and you already have that on your own. And he’ll always be the kids’ father.
‘Noah represents deep love and fidelity. He’s an extremely compassionate person. Look at what he’s devoted his life to. God knows where I’d be right now if you hadn’t met him—probably dying under strip-lighting in some ghastly hospital. It seems to me that what Noah represents is exactly what you need at this very juncture of your life. You might even say it’s fate.’
Noah as a way of life. The mere idea of it makes me feel warm and fuzzy and loved. Mum’s right. Again. Everythingabout Noah is good and true. He’s a person who cares deeply about his fellow humans, and has done amazing work to make other people’s dying moments profound and beautiful. It’s not just about the attraction of him. It’s about what I’d be like if I were with someone like that. What my life would be like.
‘I’ll make a deal with you.’ Mum’s voice is fading; she’ll drop into sleep in moments. ‘When I cross, if I see that you’re with Noah, I’ll send you a sign to tell you I approve.’
‘Mum!’ How ridiculous. I roll my eyes.
