I stroke his dear, handsome face. He’s heart-stoppingly gorgeous, those huge brown eyes swimming with unspilt tears that almost send me over the edge too. But I have no right to cry. Not in front of Noah, anyway. This is all my doing, and he’s beautiful, blameless collateral damage in the car crash that is my life. ‘I need you to know. This is not about me feeling less for you than you feel for me. Okay? I’m in as deep as you are.
‘But I’ve spent fourteen years building a marriage, and a family, and a huge web of business interests with Jackson. And maybe those things shouldn’t be tangled up, but they are, and I can’t just walk away. I have a duty, to Jackson, and to my kids, and to everyone we employ. What I want doesn’t count as much as you might think it should.’
‘Don’t cry.’ He pulls out a tissue and dabs my face with it, gently, lovingly. ‘And please don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy. I knew what I was getting into. The last thing you need right now is to expend any energy on me. Use it on your mum.Your family. And on yourself. You have a tough few weeks ahead, my darling. Your mother is an absolute trooper, but I can’t imagine she’s got more than two or three weeks left here.’
‘You’re right.’ I sniffle. ‘I need to go and see her and confess that I’ve dropped her in it with the press.’
‘She’ll understand. I know how protective she is of you.’
There’s a pause, and I look up at him, and his face tells me he’s thinking the same thing as me. That in a moment, I’ll walk out of this room, and a veil will drop between us, invisible but devastating, and I’ll cease to have any rights where Noah is concerned, any access beyond being a client of his hospice.
‘It’s unfair to ask you this.’ I get to my feet slowly. ‘But… will you be my friend? I don’t think I can get through this without you.’
He rises and gives me his best Noah smile. Puts his arms tightly around me. ‘You’re the most important woman in my life, darling. Of course I’ll be your friend. I’m here whenever you need advice. Given my conflict, I need to stay away from any medical decisions between now and the end of your mother’s life—that has to be purely Elena’s domain—but I’m here to answer any questions you have and to walk you through whatever you need. I know it’s scary and intimidating.’
‘Thank you. God, that makes me feel better.’ I sigh into his neck.
‘But when your mother has passed, I’ll need to put some distance between us. Not that we’ll have a reason to see each other, unless it’s through my parents. I just—my heart can’t handle seeing you, if I can’t be with you.’
‘I understand,’ I whisper. ‘I don’t want to make your life harder than I already have. I’m just sorry I dragged you into this toxic clusterfuck that is my life.’
He kisses me softly. One last time. Then smiles against my lips. ‘I’m not sorry for any of it.’
CHAPTER 31
Honor
There’s an overwhelming sense of peace when I walk into Mum’s room. The serenity hits me: the quiet whirring of a fan, but no intrusive beeps. A heavenly scented candle burns, making the room smell more like a spa than a medical facility. It’s all deliberate, of course. Noah and his team have engineered this cocoon with every detail arranged just so.
And when I shut the door quietly behind me and lean against it for a moment, I have the impression of having left all the craziness behind for a moment. No one and nothing can get to me in this refuge.
Perhaps it’s also the emotional kick of seeing the two women I love most in the world in one room. Mum’s awake, propped up on pillows, and Ally sits by the bed, a book in one hand, Mum’s fragile, blue-veined hand in the other. Ally told me this morning that she’d be here for me today, and I’m beyond grateful.
Ally raises her eyebrows questioningly, and I shake my head and roll my eyes, pressing my lips together to hold backthe tears.Are you okay? Not really.A sisterly communication. Words unnecessary.
‘Hi.’ I kiss Mum on the forehead before pulling up a chair to the near side of the bed and sinking into it. I’ve had a firm policy of censorship where Mum is concerned these past few weeks. No news flow or personal stuff that might upset her is allowed through her bedroom door. But we’re way past that now.
‘How are you doing?’ Ally asks quietly, and it’s my undoing. I drop my head in my hands and shake, all that suppressed emotion swelling through my system now, shuddering its way out through tensed shoulders and wet eyes and burning my throat and my jaw with its desperate need to escape in loud wracking cries I’m trying my best to repress.
‘Oh, God.’ I moan into my hands. The tears are coming faster now. ‘I’m sorry—I’m so sorry, Mum.’
‘Darling?’ The quiver of concern in Mum’s already weak voice is another dagger to my heart. ‘What on earth is the matter?’
‘Oh, sweetie.’ Ally jumps up and rounds the bed and kneels by my side, bowing over my lap and gripping my waist with her arms. ‘Let it out. You poor baby.’
‘Honor. You’rescaringme. Speak.’ Mum reaches out for me, and the gesture is comforting enough to allow me pause to breathe. It’s time to spill, even though it will hurt and worry Mum, because putting up more walls of secrecy between us is not an option this far down the line for Mum.
‘Whew. Okay. I’ve messed up. Badly. I’ve been seeing Noah, Mum. Having a fling with him, since France, and it got way more serious for both of us than we ever expected. And last night we got papped outside here, and I’ve managed to bury the story, kind of, but I’ve had to deny everything, and—there’s no way forward for us.’ I shrug, desolation hitting in a fresh wave. ‘We’re out of options.’
Mum stares at me with the oddest expression. ‘You and Noah,’ she says wonderingly. ‘I knew it.’
‘What—you guessed?’
‘No, no. But I told you you should have married someone like him, didn’t I? I knew you two would be good together. Really, really good. It was so clear to me.’ She sinks into her pillow as if defeated by the effort of speaking.
I pull a handful of tissues from the box by the bed and wad them against my eyes. Makeup be damned. ‘Well, you were totally right. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m married, and our luck has run out.’
‘Have you spoken to Noah?’ Ally releases me from her embrace and squats back on her heels.
