She relaxed next to me, melting into the bed and my arm and the gentle grace of those words. Uncovering her face, she threw an arm around my middle.
“When did you get so smart?” she whispered.
I breathed a little deeper now that she sounded less fragile. “I’ve been on a weird healing journey lately. Honestly, I wasn’t even looking for it. But... here we are.”
She laughed lightly. “Is that why Charlie’s okay now?”
“Yeah,” I said carefully. “Yeah, actually. I think it is why.”
We were quiet for a couple more minutes before she let out a watery sigh. “I hate that you were right about him. God, I wanted you to be so fucking wrong.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, but I decided to save them for later. “Just so you know, I hate that I was right too. God, I would have given anything to be wrong about him.”
Another few minutes of silence. Another few soul steps toward shedding this horrible hurt. “What now?”
Taking a deep, settling breath, I said, “Well, you get to decide that on your own. For me? I’m going to treat Chris with the same consideration he’s shown me. And I will think about him as much as he’s thought about me.” I looked down at her and gave her a tiny, sad smile. “I’ve made room in my life for the people I love and who love me back. And since he doesn’t do either, there’s not room in my life for him. And I’m okay with that because I have the best tribe and people surrounding me. My life is whole, full, and so happy without him. And I don’t think I’m willing to upset that peace by shoving him into it when he has so clearly shown me he is not interested in being a part of it.” I leaned over and kissed the top of her head. She wasn’t only the big, bad grown-up with a real job and amazing talent in the kitchen. She was my little sister who needed me and looked up to me and sometimes still wanted to be me. Or at least borrow my jeans. “But, Ad, you have to figure that out for yourself. You’re the only person who gets to decide how much room he takes up in your life. If he reaches out to you again, and you want to continue a relationship with him, do it. Make space for him. But also know who he is and what he’s like. And if he never reaches out to you again, I’ll help you be okay with that too. It would have been nice to have a present dad who loved us and wanted good things for us. But it’s okay that we don’t have that too. Because we have each other. And Mom. And everyone else. We’resoloved, Ad. And if you ever forget that, I’ll be delighted to remind you. As many times as you need to hear it before you believe it.”
She sniffled next to me and squeezed me in a tight hug. “I love you too, Ada. So much. You’re the most amazing person I know. And I would be lost without you.”
“I know,” I told her, laughing lightly.
We emerged from the bedroom a few minutes later. We decided to forget Chris and feast without him. Charlie and I stayed late, sharing the bottles of wine and laughing over good food and even better conversation.
By the time we called an Uber, Shane and Charlie were old friends, and Adleigh and I got to laugh at their antics. We hugged goodbye and promised to do it again soon. Charlie rode back with me to the loft, where I asked him to come upstairs.
Not to fool around, though. I asked him to stay the night because I didn’t want to be alone.
And when we crawled into bed and he scooped me up in his warm, strong arms, I finally let go of trying to hold it together. I cried and wept and grieved the truth I knew and the truth I didn’t want to face until I had to.
Charlie held me the entire time. He whispered encouraging, healing words and reminded me of all the good and solid people in the world. And for the first time in my life, I realized that Chris and Charlie were nothing alike.
They’d both left me. But Chris had left a little girl who didn’t deserve to be abandoned. He’d walked away from his family because he was too selfish to see they needed him.
Charlie had walked away from me because he’d seen how his selfishness would hurt me. But then he’d worked on himself until he was a man worthy of my time and commitment. And when he’d come back, he’d done it with the intention to stay.
Chris had refused to face himself. He’d refused to mature. He’d refused to make anyone else a priority other than himself.
Charlie had faced himself head-on and hated the man that he’d let himself become. So he’d spent every day since putting that old self to death. He’d stepped into a better life, a better wholeness, a better happiness.
Charlie wasn’t anything like Chris.
And as I lay there in his arms while the fresh betrayal settled in my heart, I let fresh healing wash over me too. Charlie wasn’t Chris. And he wasn’t going to leave me because he got bored or scared or inconvenienced.
Charlie was here to stay. And I realized I was going to let him.
nineteen
“Hey.”Charlie’s smooth, settled voice met me as I walked into the bar from the kitchen. The tone was so intimate, so... sultry... so...
“Hey, Ada.” Eliza’s voice was the opposite and so chipper it actually hurt my ears.
I blinked back to life from the puddle of useless goo I’d accidentally melted into when I saw Charlie standing behind the bar smiling at me like he couldn’t believe I was real and attempted a smile for Eliza.
She flinched.
Do you know what I loved about Charlie? He didn’t act like my expressions were jump scares.
Shit, did I just say loved?
