I was past and present. Heartache and healing. Curiosity and too much knowledge.
And I had a brother. A teenage brother who may or may not know he had two sisters.
There was too much all at once. I was drowning in visceral feelings and hazy memories. I couldn’t remember how to fight my emotions and hold them back. I couldn’t remember how to keep my tears from falling.
So as soon as I was safely locked behind my apartment door, I crumpled to the floor and dissolved into tears. Or rather, wracking sobs that shook my entire body and threatened to scream through the whole building.
It hurt. Everything hurt.
I had made peace with not having a dad. There had been men along the way who’d filled in that role for me—my grandfather until he’d passed away. My mom’s best friend through middle school and high school was a guy named Alex. He’d been at the house to see me off to prom. He gave game day advice when I played varsity soccer. And he was still supportive and encouraging even though his job had moved him to California. He even visited my mom in Florida twice a year, and Adleigh and I always tried to make it down there at least once to see him. My Muay Thai coach, Jen, was an older man whose wisdom in all things was a special gift. Even Will often stepped in with advice or an endearing sort of gruff love.
Okay, maybe Will was more a big brother than a father figure. But still, my life wasn’t lacking positive male role models.
So why now? Why after all this time, when I’d outgrown my dreams about my daddy coming home and stopped needing him for all the things dads were supposed to do for their kids... why was he suddenly here? And involved? And hoping to help me move?
I cried because the grief of what had been lost had finally bubbled over. Twenty years of missed birthdays and family dinners and big accomplishments and bigger failures. I’d lived in eight different homes since he’d left. And he was only just now arriving to carry boxes.
I cried because even after all this time, the little girl inside me still wanted this to work. I loved the men who had been there for me all these years. And I was grateful for the love and support they’d sown into my life. But there was still a dad-sized hole in my heart. And I wanted it to be healed. I wanted this to work. I wanted him to be the man he said he was.
I cried because I was scared that he couldn’t be that for me. Because I was scared he would leave again.
I cried because I’d quit crying because of him. Because I was tired of being sad all the time. Of feeling abandoned and unwanted and the girl without a dad.
I cried because this was more fucking stress during an already stressful time.
It didn't have to be real when it was just Adleigh telling me about him texting her or wanting to meet. It could be some distant, not real thing I never had to face.
But now he was here, in my life. He wanted to get to know me. He wanted a relationship. He wanted to help me move.
My dad was back in my life. So... what did I want?
twelve
A couple of hours later,my phone buzzed with an incoming text. I was elbows deep in cleaning out some of my bedroom drawers and rolling all my clothes into suitcases so I could save the packing boxes for other things. My face was puffy from crying earlier. And my hair was pulled back into minuscule twin buns at the nape of my neck because my blunt bob was so short. The hair around the front of my face kept escaping the hair ties and getting in my face.
Needing a break, I reached for my phone and plopped down on the edge of my bed. The text was from Charlie. I did not smile when I opened it. My lips did an involuntary twitch into something that might be misinterpreted as a smile. But it was definitely not a smile.
Charlie:I’m bored. Entertain me.
Me:Whatever you’re doing right now is less boring than what I’m doing.
Charlie:Impossible. This isn’t a competition, Kelly. Tell me what you’re doing, though, so I can decide for myself.
Me (definitely not smiling at all):Packing up my underwear drawer.
Charlie:I’ll come over and help.
He added the running emoji, and I actually cackled with laughter. What an irreverent flirt.
Me:I hate to disappoint you, but I’m almost done. And I don’t have any food in the house. You would hate it here.
Charlie:You don’t know me at all, Ada.
I was starting to worry that was true. But anyway, back to packing. I’d forgotten how much work it was. Memories of moving into this apartment with Adleigh had started to come back. Vague promises of never moving again . . .they’ll have to carry my cold, dead body out the front door before I ever do this again . . . I would rather light the whole thing on fire and leave all my possessions behind to burn than move this shit again. . .
Just very nebulous snapshots of promises and threats. Nothing too serious.
But here we were. I was so excited to get to the loft and make it mine. My heart practically grew three sizes like the Grinch at the end of the movie every time I thought about my life from that loft. Every time I thought about eliminating rent from my monthly expenses.
