He wasn’t having it, though. He held me closer and put his mouth to my temple. “It’s not wrong if you want to see him, Ada. It’s normal. Natural. Not to mention, he has a lot of explaining to do. And you deserve answers. But it’s also okay to say no if you don’t have the energy or the capacity to face him again. Maybe it’s not time yet. Or maybe you know you never want to see him again. Either way, just like him leaving you and your sister was his decision, you letting him back into your life—in a way that he does not deserve—is your decision. But enough of this right here. Enough carrying around guilt that doesn’t belong to you and outcomes you had no control over. You were a baby, Ada. Innocent, unaware of the battles he was fighting, and most definitely not the reason he left. Men don’t leave their babies because of their babies. Men leave their families because they have demons too dark and too relentless to see the beauty and life-saving joy in their families. He was a grown-ass man. What he did is on him.”
I was more than a little in awe of Charlie’s matured opinions. How had he known to speak to every one of my fears and insecurities? How had he known exactly what to say to me to soothe my broken heart?
“Thank you,” I told him on a rasping whisper.
He tilted my chin up with his long pointer finger. “You’re painfully beautiful. No man should have the power to hurt you like this. You’re a goddess, Ada.”
I felt my cheeks grow warm at his direct compliment. I wanted to wiggle out of his arms and turn away, but he held me tight in his arms. How could he say that when I’d been sobbing into his shirt for twenty minutes? I was positive my nose was bright red, and mascara streaked down my cheeks.
“Who are you, Charlie English? I don’t think I’ve ever known you.”
Half his mouth lifted in a gentle smile. “Mmm, then get to know me, yeah?”
I got lost in his piercing green eyes for a moment. I must have face-planted into them because I had the sudden sensation of free-falling. “Okay.”
His answering grin was blinding. Perfect. Healing. “I’ll walk you home.”
And he did. All the way to the door of my building. He waited until I found my keys and had stepped inside the door to say, “I’m working on a plan to fix the raise. Be patient for a couple of days. I’m going to get you the things you need.”
I didn’t believe him. I wanted to. But my heart wasn’t on board with the healing experience that was Charlie English yet. Especially because it had come out of nowhere. He had been one source of some of my issues with men just a couple weeks ago. And now he was walking me through some of the worst of my trauma? My brain couldn’t make space for what was happening. So I nodded vaguely and hid just inside the door so I could watch him walk back toward Craft.
When he was out of sight, I floated upstairs and into my apartment. I wasn’t skin and bones anymore. I was helium and a defiance against gravity. When I finally lay down in bed after all the skin care and hair routine, I repeated the story Charlie had only just finished telling me.
My dad had made his own decisions. They weren’t based on who I was as a child. They had nothing to do with me. They were based on his issues. He was broken. And after living for several years in the adult world, I could say I truly understood that. The little girl inside me hated that he had become human. Hated that Charlie had made my dad something less than a villain. Something infinitely more deserving of my empathy and compassion.
I fell asleep to the memory of Charlie’s surprise watershed therapy moment and his arms wrapped around my body. I fell asleep braced for nightmares of my dad only to be surprised by the pleasant, gentle feeling of falling.
nine
“I’ve decidedto text Dad back,” I told Adleigh in the middle of our FridayVanderpump Rules-mimosa marathon. We were only on episode two of the first season, and I hadn’t really been paying attention. Charlie’s words from last night had made me brave this morning.
There were parts of living as a hurt, damaged person I hadn’t necessarily signed up for. The coping and defense mechanisms had snuck in over the years, slipped in through the cracks or broken spaces. I hadn’t set out to be prickly or untrusting or paranoid. I’d simply picked up those character traits as I tried to manage the gaping hole in my chest.
But just because I had heartbreak in my past didn’t mean I had to continue operating from that place of hurt and brokenness. I could meet my dad without expecting him to fix the past. And I could also meet him without giving him room to hurt me more in my present.
Was that outlook a little jaded? Maybe. But I preferred to look at it honestly. He had a lot of power to wound me. And he’d already hurt me. I wanted to try to have a relationship with him. Genuinely. So I wanted to be smart. And careful. And go in with eyes wide open.
Adleigh beamed at me. “Yay!”
“Have you met him yet?”
“Yes, we went to coffee at the beginning of the week.” Her smile turned soft. “We talked for three hours.”
“Three hours?”
She laughed. “It was awkward at first, but then there was so much life to catch up on. He works for the railroad, so he’s lived all over. He’s some kind of engineer. Or he makes sure trains don’t run into each other. I don’t know, something like that. He actually works in Raleigh. But when he transferred back this way, he wanted to live in Durham to be close to us. Well, he hoped it would work out that he could meet us and be in our lives and stuff.”
That sounded too convenient to my ears, but I bit back the skepticism. Because I was mature and all the crap I’d just said about being healthy and having positive boundaries.
Just kidding. I came out swinging for the fences. “Oh, he decided to move back here now? When we’re grown-ass adults? Because now is the time he wants to get close to us again?”
Her dreamy smile turned into a scowl. “Ada, I don’t think he had a choice where he was stationed over the past—”
“Two decades?” She pursed her lips. “Oh, so he was a slave? Indentured servant? Adleigh, of course he had a choice. A lot of parents workandtake care of their kids. It’s really a normal thing to do.”
“Are you going to be this salty when you meet him? Because honestly, it’s rude. I’m not saying you have to welcome him into your life with open arms, but can you not be this...”
“Honest?”
