That time was one of the latter. Jonah had shown up late the night before, looking like someone had run him over with their car. I had seen him cry when we were little, but I was seventeen, and he was almost twenty then... and it had been a while since he’d looked this... defeated.
My mom had welcomed him into our home immediately. Even my dad had been kind to him. They couldn’t do anything for him other than feed him and give him a place to stay. He was an adult. His mom wasn’t supposed to be able to crush him anymore.
But she had.
Oh, how she had.
Will had been home too. They’d stayed up late talking, drinking, and eventually passed out. I’d had to leave for school before they were awake, but I couldn’t wait to get home and hang out with Jonah. I had it so bad for him. But I’d also liked being his friend. At seventeen, Will had started to let me hang around more often. I hadn’t been as annoying to them as I’d used to be. I could even make them laugh and beat them at video games.
The night had been everything I’d hoped it would be. I’d helped my mom make dinner, and the boys had been ecstatic to have her homemade roast chicken and cheesy potatoes. Then Will, Charlie, Jonah, and I had started a movie marathon. Probably Austin Powers. But Charlie had abandoned us to play video games in his room. And at some point, Will had decided to go to bed too.
It’d ended up being just Jonah and me. And just like last night, we’d started on opposite ends of the couch and somehow had found our way to the middle. We’d laughed about the movie. And joked. And kept touching each other. Flirty at first, where you’d linger but pull your hands away. Then we’d stopped pulling our hands away. And just touched.
I’d looked at him when the credits were rolling. He’d looked back. Those gray-blue eyes darkening and softening and somehow also intensifying. I’d said the thing I’d wanted to say to him for years. “I’m sorry your mom doesn’t know how amazing you are.”
And then I wasn’t sure who’d moved first or kissed who, but we had suddenly been kissing.
I had only kissed two other boys before Jonah. The first, a kid who’d begged me to kiss him under the bleachers after school, had been a total disaster. And the second had been a couple of months before at a party. I’d been in love with Jonah even then, but Colin was a nice kid from my science class, and I’d felt like... I should at least have some idea of what I was doing if I’d ever hoped to impress Jonah—who had been in college at the time and had dated plenty of girls.
Honestly, I’d never really expected to get to that point though. Jonah was so out of my league. So beyond my hopes and dreams. So everything I’d obsessed over and everything I’d been afraid to try for.
But there we’d been... kissing... and kissing... and kissing... and I’d thought I would combust right then and there. His hands had cupped my face, rough and calloused, where my skin was smooth and soft. His tongue had been insistent and exploratory. He’d made a sound in the back of his throat that I knew meant he’d enjoyed this as much as I had. And just when I thought we would take things a step forward... he’d pushed me away.
“I can’t,” he’d mumbled. He’d sat up with a start and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, Eliza. I can’t.”
I might have managed something like, “Huh?”
Jonah had thrown a hand back against the couch, punching the cushion. “He’s going to kill me.”
I’d reached some outer space dream world where I sat on clouds and felt wonderful all the time and had access to Jonah Mason’s lips, so when he’d pushed me away, I hadn’t come back to reality. I’d actually fell off my puffy, perky cloud, careened through time and space at lightning speed, and crash-landed back on earth with an ear-splitting thud. My body had actually hurt from the impact. Still, I’d managed to ask, “What?”
“Shit, Eliza, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what?” I’d asked like a total moron.
His face had been bright red, and he’d all but jumped to the other side of the couch to put as much space between us as possible. “That!” he’d said dramatically, gesturing toward me. “I promised Will I’d never touch you. Like that. I swore on my life I’d never, uh, get with you.”
The pieces to this puzzle had been there, but I’d been in slow motion trying to put them together. “Wait, you promised Will? You promised Will what?”
“You’re his sister,” he’d said plainly as if I’d somehow forgotten. “And he’s my best friend. And it’s not that I don’t think you’re awesome because I do. You’re amazing, Eliza. And so pretty. And nice. And...”
He’d said only good things, but for some reason, they’d felt like punches in the gut instead of compliments. I hadn’t wanted to hear how awesome he’d thought I was. Or how amazing. Or how pretty I was.
I’d wanted him to come sit by me again. To stop talking about Will and start talking about us. And for fuck’s sake, I’d needed him to kiss me again. Right then.
“I don’t understand,” I’d told him. My hands had started shaking, and I’d felt the embarrassing prick of tears building up. I wasn’t going to cry over this.
Okay, that was a lie. I was going to sob forever over this. But at least I wasn’t going to do it in front of Jonah.
I’d save it for later when I could lock myself in the bathroom, crawl into a scalding hot shower, and curl up on the floor. Then I’d cry. And cry. And cry.
But not yet.
“I like you, Eliza. Like for real, I like you. You’re so cool. You’re exactly the kind of girl I want to date. But...”
My heart had dropped to my toes, and the sick feeling in my stomach had intensified until I’d have sworn my skin actually turned green. Nobody had ever hated the wordbutmore than I had at that moment.
Nobody.
